Its another one of those nights...I wonder when day will break.

After freaking out over my internship I emailed Sim and explained everything. Hudson Valley wouldn't let me go this far and then hit me in the head would they?

Anyway, I went onto Facebook to see if one of my friends was still going. I see Rachel and her updated staus message on her grades. Of course she is going to have alot of friends comment about it too.

That moment in time I felt most alone. I had no one to talk to who actually cared. I wanted to be a good person, and all it got me was an internship in the air about to smash like ribbon candy.

I looked and found everyone from the old class..... and realized I was never ready for change. But the problem is, I cant control it. I see all the people I helped in my life, wether cheering them up, giving them support, or helping them through what we thought was the end of the world. I see how happy they are, so Sucessful.

Why did I fuck it all up?

I could of been a better person, but I gave it all up for what? FOR FUCKING WHAT?!!!

for other people to just glide through while you sit in the nosebleeds? For no one to recignize you when they are famous or successful?

To always be made fun of....wether or not I was in school. I helped EVERYONE, and all I got was pain....and a destroyed future.

I miss it all...my school, my few friends, her....because I had a life then. It was a happy life. Im standing...at the point of utter collapse because i know if I lose this.....it's all over. Everything rides with Disney.

If I should die....I want to go back to that morning....to that hallway...to poke my head down the corridor....to make sure she was there. She was always there.... but like everything else in this cursed life. I got use to her being there, and the moment I think everything is going to be fine...it gets destroyed.

Not in my hevan. In my hevan, I'm back in the halls of Bishop Maginn, back where my family, my WHOLE family of students, faculty, friends are there.

I want the pain to stop. I cant ignore it anymore, and its only going to get worse.

I stand at the point of oblivion, and I dont know how this is going to end.

(stares blankly....unable to string any other words together to express the feelings still left)