Set Phasers to KILL!!

(look! the title and picture don't match.... too bad.Lol)
I didn't sleep at all last night :(
I couldn't get my mind to stop. It just kept going and wouldn't let me sleep. I started crying because it actually got painful to think anything because new layers, aspects opened themselves up. Why? what the hell is this? I know i wanted to understand but this is a bit much!So meanwhile I get up, and actually prep for school seeing as I wanted to do a photo shoot today. I go to wake up Katrina....and shes GONE. She left me again. Mom says she will drive me but not before bitching the whole way about how art shouldn't occupy so much of my life and etc and other bull. I know I should love her and stuff but it just made my head hurt even more to think about how I saw myself in her eyes (seriously! You can knock this off at anytime brain!) Get to school, and couldn't use the studio, and Madison decided she didn't want to help me shoot because I didnt come in last night to help her print.

So I'm screwed. I don't have a tripod for this camera, and I got used. AGAIN.

Its funny how when I fail on my own it's because I gave up. This time in panick mode because I put my faith in others. People whom have their own agendas and reasons for doing stuff.

I'm suppose to meet with Dani again today to 'hang' and let her do work. I feel like an empty being. So much being forced around me. A loud buzz in my head and I'm just....calm accepting my fatalism. For once I was prepared, but because I trusted again, it fell apart. Like a cake. The baker entices the helper to aide in carrying the layered cake by giving him a brownie. He becomes so obsessed with the brownie, he stops his aide and the baker struggles to handle it alone.

I would love to scream to cuss, but then....it all shuts down. I'm finally tired and want to rest, but it's too late. Worse thing is, the place for comfort i have is an empty pixel canvas. Staring at people absorbed in their own lives. It was odd to try and delicately put on make up. For a moment, I looked acceptable in my eyes. Then I looked closer and saw who was really there. Here reflected is a pathetic being, not even sub par to be called door mat. I don't understand. Then again, I may never understand. Some days I feel content even happy about who and what I am, and then I crash back into my spiral of abuse to figure out if I am even worthy of life. If I should even be in public when my negativity affects others so much.

I think I saw Josh when I was getting dropped off. Well not Josh but this brown jacket that looked exactly like one I looked at online last night. Looked really nice.

I guess I'll wait for Dani, jsut to have her stand me up too.

Post later

a.f