Thoughts from a Bewildered breather

To place the setting correctly. Just outside the doors of the Marvin Library, closest bench to the stairs, and closest to the doors.

(To focus the mind and ready it to write amidst the people)
Hush. Ignore the people around you. None of them notice you, and you won't find the ones you seek.

Taking a breather away from many reminders of my personal failures. Dani never showed. I wonder why I still scan around, thinking I might see her like a puppy waiting for its owner to stroll up the walk. 11:30 the clock chimes in its melodious computer setting.
Why did the thought ever cross my mind that by giving so much of myself, my talents and my time that I could or would get anything in return. Just alone, as usual. Too timid to strike a proper conversation. Realizing I will be a blasphemous nun. Uninterested in sex. Only focused on art. Perhaps they are right and art is a fruitless course to take. Can I strive to capture beauty in the world, when it is so hard to find it in myself?

Red bench so cold now

the warmth of hearts vanished
quickly, snow sets in.

Why aren't I happy with myself?
Why do I only see the bad and the sadness? The failures and every other flaw I have is all that I perpetrate on myself

For what? To teach myself a life lesson? to show the world what they shouldn't become?

I look in the mirror and say softly,"Why? Why do you have to hate me so?"