oh believe me....it hurts

its Tuesday... and i spent it all in the apartment on the third floor. im in so much pain i don't know how I'm typing.

I was talking to Rachel, seeing as internet talking wasn't cutting it. and she was painting with her father (how cute!)

So I gave her updates on what was going on...
She didn't seem to happy.

I wont discuss it, because well it was a conversation between me and Ray.

She did get me into thinking about the past week, and namely Saturday when me and Josh talked about the stuff in my previous blog.

I don't know if what I'm doing is right. Everyone tells me not to get my hopes up, and I shouldn't. I know better..or at least should.

Rachel once more voiced her dislike of blogs.

I consider it an outlet. My personal reality show in a way. Its dumb, I know.

I keep wondering to myself 'how can I not get my hopes up when I have so little to hope for?'

A few people I know read the blog, and were angry to think I'm beginning to eat even less for a mere chance.

I laughed it off....I don't know why I laugh my worries away... Maybe so they don't disrupt my dreams.

Dream feel alot better than reality, ya know?

I often wonder why i pour every little detail out in here. Some read this, and laugh at me. Others use it against me... and for others, it makes them feel on the spot.

I had another dream last night. My older sister, her husband, and their two kids came over and we reconciled our arguments.

I cried I was so happy. I haven't seen my sister for three years and I think thats how old my niece is.

Why aren't I good enough?
Wouldn't all the things I did in the past, all the things i worked over mean anything to anyone? Ill never be 150 or even 175, if i work out like I have, the fat turns to muscle....I'm not meant to win I guess.

I'm going to lay down. I'm in a lot of pain after moving alot of stuff. I swear to god, If that woman complains I will quit right out. Dog, cleaning, everything.

-Alyssa