The Last Post

its come to my attention, that this blog causes more harm than good.

Ill put it short and sweet like this:
I messed up, like i always do.
I went no where.
I ruined another very good thing.
Why? Because I wanted for once to do something for me.

I wanted to feel important. Screw it.
If you fucking didnt want me to talk about it, should of said something but if im thinking about changing my whole world, do you really want me to do that on my own?

I was an idiot.. (-.-) what an idiot.

I was comfortable with myself, I was fine. I hadn't felt good about my body in years. I was fitting into clothes i thought I would throw out until i wore them again. At the same time, clothes that are fucking cut different, are a pain in my ass!

How would You like it, if you could fit into a size 14, but not a 16 because its too tight?

you dont realize how awful i felt, how much i yelled at myself for having to wear size 20 because someone decided to cut the pants different.

It doesnt matter it doesn't. One fact stands true against them all: I was wrong.

I always will be wrong and im ok with that. You should follow your instincts.

I'll quote from Elle Woods:
Love
I put my faith in love
I followed where it led

To my personal circle of Hell
It has not worked out well
I wish that I were dead

Im going to go back to listening. Theres no reason I should talk anymore, in blog or otherwise.

Im sorry for the trouble i have caused.

~Alyssa Fluty

p.s NO! This is not a suicide note. This is a blog to say 'ive failed' ok?
I dont know why I still care anymore, anytime I try to care I get hurt. Im always getting hurt. This was suppose to allow me to put my thoughts down so I wasn't crying myself to sleep every night, because If i kept thinking these things without letting them out I would cry everytime because I thought if i blogged it, someone could of seen and understood what I saw.

I hate myself...so much.

I hate myself because i screwed up! Because I couldn't be good enough. Because no matter what im always the last pick. Why am the last pick?! why do i have to give up hope that anyone left is good? why do i have to give up hope that ill finnaly love.

WHY DO I ALWAYS HAVE TO FACE A BROKEN AND EMPTY HEART?!

TELL ME WHY!

Forget it, im going to walk the dog, smoke a cig ( i had been off for a long time but screw it) and go to bed, maybe stick around and listen to the people on paltalk who hate me, yell at me more.

Ja-nae