Oh dear..... seems i kinda blew up didn't I?
I can salvage this.
I realize now, that things in this blog, will stay in this blog.
I will no longer talk about what i discuss on here, for sake of my friends, whom I hold very dear.
I didn't get to apologize theway I really wanted to to Josh. It kinda happened at the last moment before I left. I had another great day with him though while i was watering the plants. I took a look at one of the hanging plants in the front room and had to move it outside. Its fully infested with spider mites. I almost dropped it though (GASP!) but it's fine. He gave me a Twisted Tea and we watched the fifth element with Riff Trax, and talked in General for a long time. Josh said that he doesn't usually talk that much, that he doesn't usually babble. I didn't consider it babble. What Josh has to say and discuss is really cool and I could talk with him for hours, and I did. We would start with one subject, and it grew and expanded kind of like a tree. It starts as a seedling and then has a firm foundation before extending its branches in all different directions. I never really touched Josh that much because I didn't want to invade his space, but before I left, he hugged me, and it was really nice. Yes, yes I know. I'm still putting my hopes far too high.
I'm not the kind of person who will make a first move unless its really obvious. I always thought about it, but I don't want to do something and create an awkward situation if the other person is thinking otherwise.
It's weird though. Josh said that when I'm around his geeky side comes out. It made me giggle. However, at the same time, I've never been that comfortable with a guy and still be happy. Eric, I would get comfortable with him, but he was always so tense, always afraid to make a bad move, and I think it rubbed off. I'm gonna try as hard as I can. Iknow my goal is reachable, and his is one of the little motivations to keep me going. I was a little depressed when I upset Josh when he found out I talked to Rachel. I was crying for hours to think I betrayed his trust. I want to try all I can to at least try to see if anything could happen, but at the same time I don't want to hurt him or our friendship.
It's like those game shows. You have something good right now, and you have a chance at something better. If you miss tough, you lose it all.
I find it uncomfortable to even try to start that kind of conversation.
If its to happen, it will happen. I cant force things.
Josh did show me how to play sodoku though, that was cool!
People don't usually explain things to me, and I hoped i wasn't making him angry by pointing little things out. After he showed me the basics, my brain started skipping ahead and plotting where all the missing numbers have to go.
I love him. I really just have to say that. Not because I wanna get in his pants (jesus Christ I can't believe i said that) but I love the person he is. Smiling despite his demons. A world of information behind him and his head looking to the future. I never met anyone like him.
I hate this blog at times, because I can articulate how i feel and what I want to say here,but it's hard to me to actually talk it. To say these things in the spoken voice.
i almost want to skip tomorrow and jump to Friday just so I can talk to him again. Its corny i know!But I can't get that sly grin out of my head.
I have to let karma and life take its due course. For all I know, he could have another person already to go with, and I don't care. Sure I will be disappointed and depressed for a little bit, but he will have what hes looking for: Happiness with a girl who loves him for who he is. I will always make sure my friends are happy and content, before I start looking for my own contentment.
It's just how I am.
~Alyssa
p.s If you are reading this blog, could you do me a favor, and type a quick thing in the comments so I know how many people read this sappy crap? lol ty
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