Sadness creeps...and I cannot fight it

All I see is the sunshine, the balcony, the laughter, the warmth...and I cant stop crying.

I never really talked about the subject, because I didn't want this to happen. Now I am alone in my room at 4am, crying.

Crying over Rachel.

I...She was the reson I had hope again. She kept me from giving up on everything.

I remember ohw we met..kinda. I made a fool of myself the first day of Parrs Drawing I class. I don't know what she thought of me that first day. I avoided her alot, because looked strikingly like another person i knew and feared. As time progressed, I began to talk to a Punk style girl named Madison, and continued my stretched friendship with a guy named Zach.

God I can't even remember how we began talking to eachother. I guess the inital moment in time doesn't matter does it? Madison and Rachel started me on finally taking the bus to and from school. Sure, I was nervous, but Rachel showed me where to catch my bus before walking to Josh's parents place. Mind you, 3 seconds later I almost got myself run over by the 80....god I was so stupid back then..

This all started over the song we heard in the studio. The song that always reminded me of her....

...Samson.

I spent so much time with her. Learned who she was. I had to know if she was real or just a figment of my desperate imagination. I still remember sitting in her kitchen, fiddling with her laptop with this song playing while the door was open and she was cleaning her room (seemed like she was always cleaning that room)

Or the night before NYC where I slept at the foot of her bed like a guard dog.

Even the first time I was allowed upstairs, sitting in her rocking chair, sipping tea while she worked on 2D.

I barely knew her a year. It would of been a year in August. Shows that I can't keep anything nice.

But how? How could I get so involved, so attached to her so quickly?

She was my Best Friend, and I couldn't say good bye. I never get to say goodbye.

Even now, im trying to push another very good and kind friend away because I know where he is now is not where he should be. He has to find a better place, but I realize I have to let go again, and after losing Rachel, after losing so many people who I loved in my life...Ill be totally alone, like I am right now.

She had no idea how much she affected people. How much people truly loved her, and I don't know if she ever will.

They all move on. I see it so many times. They will likely never remember the name, or the face of the person who was obessed with some japanese director, who fell asleep at their easel.

Who looked at everyone else with dismay, knowing that she could never fit in properly. Who always questioned wether or not she should be an artist.

Who questions if she should still be alive.

They are happier only knowing me for the time they did and allowing me to fade away into memory. I can't keep people forever, even if mine heart doth protest.

Good night
~Alyssa