Living the "Good Life"

I don't feel like blogging, but I will update on my weekend anyway.

It's getting to be like it use to be. All things going back to normal. There are days I wake up, and wonder if the last year was only a dream. All I find that I am faced with now is my failures.

I got up and went ti Wilton with Eric on 3 hours of sleep. It should be fine working there Friday. I think about Disney, about the dreams I want and feel that I need, and wonder if it's even practical anymore. Everyone has a camera, they can take their own pictures. No one wants a photographer anymore. They want photojournalists. No one wants a movie director, because they have enough already, and anyone can be one with a flip of their cellphone and gets lots of money videoing Lohan getting dumped with flour because she wears something she earned.

I hide. I've been hiding in the bathroom. It's so disparaging. I am usually a person who tries to inspire hope and happiness in others.

I'm forced to stop caring, even though thats not true. I still care, and it hurts because I can't do anything. I never could. Just have to watch people walk away, and do what they want, no matter how much it hurts.

I made the mistake of readin the old emails Josh and I sent. It just re-opened that feeling I had, and those 'what ifs'.

I guess all that can happen now is that they know I've always cared, but I have to do so from very far away.

If you see me on the street, and you decide not to avoid me, you can see how I feel. How the decisions have finally taken their toll, and that one more hopeful flame is gone.

Put on a sweater.

~af