--Yeah I realize thats a corny title. I wrote this throughout today in my notebook--
I guess today is going to be a bit better, but I will update where my last blog left me; in the HVCC Computer lab, miserable, and wishing I were dead.
If you cannot tell by my writing style, I'm doing better. For all those who read this blog, I ask them all this: Do not take my emotion into full account. If I sound angry, upset, or any other negative emotion, it is limited to that blog in particular and possibly 5 min after it is finished. If I were angry, I would tend to to not tell a lot of people. However, this blog allows me to kinda re-enact The Dead Poets Society and yell " I'm mad as Hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore!" I would ask that you, The Reader, would focus on my thoughts and the imagery I try to extend to you. At this point, you might be able to see my writing style. I write my blogs like letters. Letters to whomever wants to read them.
So, after my EMO/Miserable 5 min were up, I went to drawing.
As many people suspect, Drawing II(figure drawing) involves a live model. We have two models, Paul and Sarah. I personally like Paul more. Not that I can draw the sharp angles easier than Saras curves, but I love his wisdom and knowing that he graciously shares with us as students, besides the opportunity to learn off of his body. I often try to engage him in conversation so he doesn't fall asleep (same position for 3 hours under warm lamps? you stay awake).
That wasn't the case today. Paul was sick. He walked sick, looked sick, talked sick and was just....sick. He didn't respond much when I tried talking to him and suddenly, while we were all about 10 min into a 30 min pose, he dashed off with his fist to his mouth.
At first I assumed a cough, he was sick after all. Then a single thought screamed in my mind, "I hope he makes it. Please make it"
He didn't.
And seeing Paul hunched over, I tried to get past easels that were separating myself from Paul. I knew the situation needed to be contained and cleaned from the "Protein Spill" as Disney aptly names them, off of the floor.
In the moment, as people gagged, rushed to leave, and said unanimously that Paul could not continue, I saw.....well, something different.
How much I had grown since the start of the semester!
Here was a man in pain, naked. Before, I would of ran like everyone else. I saw instead a beautiful man who tried as hard as he could no matter how sick he was.
I felt awful, and pity that he didn't make it, but also love, i guess, for his kind of person. Models. True Models, not the rich ones who are just bones wearing millions of dollars of clothes, but those who pose with just their bodies, just to help further art.
Needless to say, class was over.
6:45...wow. So, after Paul left to take a shower, I went outside and had a cig in a dry spot and waited for Ray and Maddy. The walk to the bus stop was gonna suck. The rain didn't let up at all. Worse still. my leg was still in pain ( As is it right now as I write this). Madison was wearing flats with no socks, so she ran. Ray was wearing clogs, so she was walking fast. I was wearing sneakers, so I yelled "Wait up! I can't limp that fast!!!"
We got to the stop at 7:10, under my assumption that the bus left at 7:15. After I looked at the schedule , I found out I was wrong about the time......by about 30 min. When we finally got on the bus (at 7:45), I looked distant I guess, because Madison kept making comments and asking me things. I don't quite remember what she was saying, because I wasn't paying attention, I was too busy listening. Something I have appreciated since I was 3. I was deaf as a child, having "womb juice" get caught behind my eardrum and blocking my hearing. After they fixed it, I stopped talking because I was more interested in listening and learning from the world around me. So that night I listened to the bus engine. How long between rope pulls? Who is polite with 'Thank yous ' and ' Have a good nights'. A good swipe, Dollar is having trouble going in, "Card not valid.", "There you go."
The whole time I was convinced I would never make my 7:58 bus to Wynantskill, seeing it was 7:58 when I got off at Rachel's stop. Two stops away from where I would usually get off.
That has an interesting story itself. When I started taking the bus in October, I had no idea what to do. I would get off with Ray, and she would point me where to go in order to get the 80. Soon, I learned on my own, and observed what I needed until one day, I had to tell Ray we were at her stop.
After that, I always got off of the bus with Ray, talked a little, and I would continue on as soon as I knew she was safely in her building. It doesn't matter to me, I still have a half of an hour to kill after that. One time, we got off of the bus at 9:23 and I was able to walk from Liberty, to Congress to get cigs with Rachel, back to Liberty and then back to Congress with 10 min to spare before my 10:10 bus out of River and Front.
When I was assured Rachel was inside, I made my way to Ferry and 4th....in a lot of pain.
My other leg started acting up, as did my hips. I got to the stop at 8:06. I stood there rummaging for my smokes when the bus came. 'LUCKY!!' I thought to myself and texted Ray I was going home early... Come to think of it, I haven't heard from Ray since we got off of the bus...*shrug* oh well.
Shes a busy person. I did start talking to Josh though on Google Chat. I don't remember much of it because of the pain in my leg that was beginning to overwhelm me , and I was a bit tired, but at a point I expressed my gratefulness for the rain because it keeps me from smoking alot.
Josh responded something along the lines of
'you know I'm going to say this, but smoking isn't good for you.'
Everyone knows that. Smokers just choose to ignore it.
Then I thought about it.:
"He's right. I'm starting to plan things around cigs now, like breaks and where to sit, and my wallet isn't enjoying this either."
I told Josh I'm going to try, that it takes up too much brain time and money.
Then something interesting happened. Josh said he believes me. Either that or he said trusts my word or something, I'm having trouble remembering.
I was touched and flabbergasted at the same time.
Most people, at least that day, were accusing me of things and calling me a liar and I wasn't use to trust anymore. Interesting, huh?
Well I have to wrap this up and finish my laundry. My room got...well..... I'll just say it looks like a cotton and polyester landfill since I've had to sort more clothes... I tell ya, I'm ready to just them all out and get new clothes. Not 30 years worth like what wound up in my closet ( Four words: Lavender brides maid dress. +3: FROM THE 80s!!!)
But...manageable.
TTYL,
btw, as of Tues 12 am I have had 0 cigs...but have been tempted thrice
--Fluty
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