So.... Let's see. Its Monday. It's raining, and
I wish I were dead.
Yup. Wishing I were dead. Wanna know why? Of course you do, or else you wouldn't be reading this far would you?
I grew up a spoiled kid. Third child out of five, naive of the world through my catholic schooling. I probably would still be until I was 15. I was procrastinating my Confirmation, and decided to hold it off a year, so that it wouldn't interfere with my older sisters graduation, as hers did when it was a week before my older brothers high school graduation. High Honors, how proud. A confirmed Catholic, how wonderful! An acne faced, overweight otaku failing math? let's skip over that one.... A move over from elementary to middle school with a kid who has not had a pleasant time in school, hopeful. A young star who sings at everything and is being offered record deals before 13? well there you go!
I was always the rogue of my family. My siblings all entertained guests. I tried, and would get yelled at because I would always mess something up. So i went back to my corner, and stopped talking and just watched from the sidelines. My older sister would be the family jewel, no doubt about that. My younger sister their little entertainer. My brothers would be tech guys, and I would do what I always do... Help out where I could because I could and hope I wouldn't get in trouble for messing something up.
Why do I want to kill myself? oh...seems i kinda beat around the bush huh? well you can't make a judgment until you you know where I'm coming from, can you?
Everything was set as I just stated, then it all crashed. Literally. At the age of 16, my sister was killed in a one car accident while riding with my older brother. He had whiplash, she didn't make it to the hospital. Suddenly, The quiet little girl in the corner has to rise up and try and fill the shoes of an older sister who was best at everything. I was hoping as I grew older, I would learn from her mistakes. I went to school with my siblings since i was 3. I was use to getting the bus with them, eating lunch with them, and riding home with them. One morning I had 4 with me on the first bus, 2 with me going to school. 2 going home. and then
.... I was alone.
For the first time I was alone. I didn't have my sister, or my brother. I stared down the halls of my school. Blue lockers I would peer at to glimpse my sister laughing with her friends before i would go to homeroom. I remember how eerie those halls were when I went to school the day after the accident. Something I can't forget. The biggest teacher in the school, Gillooly, a history teacher. Offering to help me carry my lone notebook. Knowing that people now were looking at me as a sense of strength, when I was hoping to gather the last memories of my sister from them.
Things went downhill in the next four years to now.
I spent more time at school, 14 hours a day in Albany, to avoid my home and the lack of footsteps from the room above mine. Her room.
You may ask "Does she want to kill herself because she misses her sister?" no.... not quite.
I was in wishing I was dead at that point because of my bad grades in high school. Mary Kate was going to be a teacher. Going to go to Mary wood. So many scholarships, and suddenly I realized, I had nothing. I had bad marks, and volunteer work. I had nervous attacks and shows that I never got any head nods from. Out of four years of tennis, managing track, doing tables for volleyball, fixing computers, making school videos, setting up presentations, leading 3 clubs at once.... a little shiny plaque.....for all of my trouble.(that and a banged up knee.)
In May of 2006, I found myself more lost than ever. My brother dropped out of college, and I had no idea as to what I was in for. All of my friends deserted me to go on their summer holidays, and I stayed at the computer. Talking to people in Australia about little trivial things that would never make any difference later in life.
I figured for a long time that this would be the way I lived and died. Alone, with little friends and no one to love for fear of hurting again.
heh, then I met Eric.
he was great to me, i cant deny that. however, he was older than me, and already knew what he was doing, i was still trying to find out who i was, he had proposed to me and i couldn't give him an answer. i was 18, i wanted to live my own life.i did awful things to him. i broke his heart, something i cant forgive myself for. im surprised he still talks to me. for a long time i thought it was an accident he was into me, because when i made the first move he was asking about my best friend. e wanted to go out with her. heh....yet another way i was selfish...
Right right! Why I want to kill myself....
Right now, I have a handful of very very good friends. A change from what I'm use to.
I was allowed to explore some form of love, and let it go -reluctantly-
However, my past does not enjoy my present.
When my parents found out I had sworn off guys, they were furious, they still think I'm lying.
They don't like that when I go out, I might have a purpose and a reason....Well reason other than fixing their E machine.
Right now I'm still trying to let go of my past. Rachel kept trying to talk sense into me:
Rachel: uhm
All you have to do is get a job.
Save money.
Find your own place.
Move in.
Tada.
me: k..
Rachel: So what's the damn issue?
the issue? *sigh* I'm afraid of failure. Of making someone angry. If I mess up, it's all over. I'm still a Dependant, but every other day I'm either getting help for next semester or I'm not. My self esteem has been barraged so much, that days I would go out and look for a job end up being a day where I try to repair myself, because I feel worthless.
The truth? I'm ashamed of who I am.
I had so many opportunities, but I let them go, to make sure other people were ok. I suffered in high school because I spent too much time trying to make the school experience better for other people.
I'm selfish, to want to take my own life.
I feel so out of place though. I'm not doing well in school, even though I play it off as otherwise. I don't fit in at home, and I rarely feel like I'm doing o.k with my friends. The whole time I'm afraid I'll screw up. Be unable to play the part each section of my life wants me to play, and Ill get yelled at. Like I did this morning...
Last night, I went over to Josh and Rays to bring them some dinner, but more to keep an eye on Josh. I don't care how he looks on the outside or the public opinions of others but I'm worried about him, and like in the past with countless others, if I can help him even just by listening, I want to. Perhaps its the empathy acting up again. Sometimes I can feel exactly how hes hurting, which makes me think that is the reason the pain in my leg is not over and done with.
The pain in my leg (which was caused when I brought someones dog back to them) was so much, that I crashed on their couch and actually slept for a little bit. I remember waking up and just listening to the rain, and then the alarm clocks, and then Rachel gathering everything and going out the door....to come back after forgetting something, and going out the door again.
I looked at my phone, knowing i was going to get calls. I only told my sister I was going for a walk, don't wait up. My parents were at the casino, why the hell should they worry if I'm not there one night?
But, I was wearing a t shirt, and stood in the rain grabbing my bus home. My mothers car was gone, 'doubtful' I thought to myself 'that she is out looking for me.' She had to drive a younger sibling to school. I scrubbed the pot and pan i dirtied the night prior when she walked in, and started yelling at me. Things like
'where were YOU?!'
'you and Katrina are two alike' (Katrina being the girl who moved into the guest room).
I should of yelled back?
I should of just walked out?
...I stood there, quietly, taking every word in as my punishment. My parents stopped hitting me when I was bad, they saw after a while my body would take their words and do the damage for them. She went upstairs after a hard nights gambling, and I kept scrubbing the melted feta cheese. I told her I went downtown, and her response was 'oh! they got into another fight?!' Obviously taking every word I said as lie. She yelled not to be taking her food to them, and went upstairs. I finished scrubbing, finished drying, put them away, then made some toast and sat down.
It weird to feel a part of yourself die.
The food tastes weird, the drink stings.
I sat there with the television on low, eating my toast, drinking my lemon juice, dying inside.
Dying because i did something bad...
See how selfish I am?
Who in their right mind, would want to kill themselves after being given a life like that? i failed myself, and they see it. Its hard to see someone who doesn't see my failure. And it's hard to talk to anyone anymore. They all have their motives. I cant confide in family. I barely have any friends.... late at night I cry for her, wishing I could talk to her one more time... but I can't, shes dead and I cant change that.
more and more I feel like I do in my bed, alone, hopeless, with no set reason for living here...or at all.
Why am I writing this? I don't know. there is too much of a chance that a family member will see it, and then shove that in my face... it's happened before. I poured my heart out to my mother and a week later she started teasing me with it while i was crying... Shows I can't be weak
When you are weak, you crumble and fall.
To live in this world you have to be strong. Stronger than pills, stronger than death.
the little weak sparrow can't outrun the hungry cat.
so? what emotions do you have? do you hate me now? pity me? or are you like I am when I see this? Ashamed with the heavy collar of a bitch tightened around the neck.
I look around... and I see a world that without minor inconveniences, would be indifferent to my life or death, thats why I don't care if i die.
the issue? *sigh* I'm afraid of failure. Of making someone angry. If I mess up, it's all over. I'm still a Dependant, but every other day I'm either getting help for next semester or I'm not. My self esteem has been barraged so much, that days I would go out and look for a job end up being a day where I try to repair myself, because I feel worthless.
The truth? I'm ashamed of who I am.
I had so many opportunities, but I let them go, to make sure other people were ok. I suffered in high school because I spent too much time trying to make the school experience better for other people.
I'm selfish, to want to take my own life.
I feel so out of place though. I'm not doing well in school, even though I play it off as otherwise. I don't fit in at home, and I rarely feel like I'm doing o.k with my friends. The whole time I'm afraid I'll screw up. Be unable to play the part each section of my life wants me to play, and Ill get yelled at. Like I did this morning...
Last night, I went over to Josh and Rays to bring them some dinner, but more to keep an eye on Josh. I don't care how he looks on the outside or the public opinions of others but I'm worried about him, and like in the past with countless others, if I can help him even just by listening, I want to. Perhaps its the empathy acting up again. Sometimes I can feel exactly how hes hurting, which makes me think that is the reason the pain in my leg is not over and done with.
The pain in my leg (which was caused when I brought someones dog back to them) was so much, that I crashed on their couch and actually slept for a little bit. I remember waking up and just listening to the rain, and then the alarm clocks, and then Rachel gathering everything and going out the door....to come back after forgetting something, and going out the door again.
I looked at my phone, knowing i was going to get calls. I only told my sister I was going for a walk, don't wait up. My parents were at the casino, why the hell should they worry if I'm not there one night?
But, I was wearing a t shirt, and stood in the rain grabbing my bus home. My mothers car was gone, 'doubtful' I thought to myself 'that she is out looking for me.' She had to drive a younger sibling to school. I scrubbed the pot and pan i dirtied the night prior when she walked in, and started yelling at me. Things like
'where were YOU?!'
'you and Katrina are two alike' (Katrina being the girl who moved into the guest room).
I should of yelled back?
I should of just walked out?
...I stood there, quietly, taking every word in as my punishment. My parents stopped hitting me when I was bad, they saw after a while my body would take their words and do the damage for them. She went upstairs after a hard nights gambling, and I kept scrubbing the melted feta cheese. I told her I went downtown, and her response was 'oh! they got into another fight?!' Obviously taking every word I said as lie. She yelled not to be taking her food to them, and went upstairs. I finished scrubbing, finished drying, put them away, then made some toast and sat down.
It weird to feel a part of yourself die.
The food tastes weird, the drink stings.
I sat there with the television on low, eating my toast, drinking my lemon juice, dying inside.
Dying because i did something bad...
See how selfish I am?
Who in their right mind, would want to kill themselves after being given a life like that? i failed myself, and they see it. Its hard to see someone who doesn't see my failure. And it's hard to talk to anyone anymore. They all have their motives. I cant confide in family. I barely have any friends.... late at night I cry for her, wishing I could talk to her one more time... but I can't, shes dead and I cant change that.
more and more I feel like I do in my bed, alone, hopeless, with no set reason for living here...or at all.
Why am I writing this? I don't know. there is too much of a chance that a family member will see it, and then shove that in my face... it's happened before. I poured my heart out to my mother and a week later she started teasing me with it while i was crying... Shows I can't be weak
When you are weak, you crumble and fall.
To live in this world you have to be strong. Stronger than pills, stronger than death.
the little weak sparrow can't outrun the hungry cat.
so? what emotions do you have? do you hate me now? pity me? or are you like I am when I see this? Ashamed with the heavy collar of a bitch tightened around the neck.
I look around... and I see a world that without minor inconveniences, would be indifferent to my life or death, thats why I don't care if i die.
--Fluty
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