Falling Apart.

I don't know how much more I can do. Im gonna snap, scream. I thought everything was okay, that it would all be smooth and at least people could have heir space. But suddenly people in our enviorments just invaded like the Vietkong. There are no answers. nothing to figure out.

I feel worthless if I'm not helping someone else. I dont want to go back to how it was, but I realize I have no more control over my life. It frightens me to be at fates will.

Im suppose to be happy, but it seems conditional. I have to have my room fully cleaned out by next week. My sancturary is going to be defiled. Invaded, and I can't stop them. Meanwhile, I am beginning to regret every move I make. I deleted another blog, because I felt it was responsible for some drama.

I messed up, and I dont think I can ever fix it. I must of done something wrong.

Its so upsetting to see everything you tried to handle with care shatter. Friendships, relationshipss with anyone are so fragile and beautiful that we take them for granted.

Everything I saw as a child....I never thought it would end like this. I always thought there would be more sunny days, more friends to talk to.... I cant say anything that wont incriminate myself. I never thought that I was the biggest bad guy. I feel dead inside. Snapped like the branches against the winds, and left to die in a field. Been snapped at, bullied, and neglected by every thing i held dear. My siblings snap at me, my family bullies (rather pressures) and the only thing I can come up with is that its my fault. Its an excuse and who I am is no ones fault but my own. Not the way i was raised, not my enviorment, not my lack of friends.


I don't want to give up, but I cant sit up at night alone because I am waiting for a friend to message me or email me back. They have their own lives. Lives I cannot interfere with anymore.I just dont know what to do to help anymore. I was always the second or third...or last choice in everything I did. Now its just time to stop kidding myself and bow out for good.

I'll update later.

~a.f