Today I am so angry it is beyond belief. Aside from having to jump around like a video game character on the ice while walking the dog, I almost have a tree fall right on top of me. It was interesting to see all the lights go out around me. The music is so loud, but I don't care. It has been a while since I've forced my likes on other people. Yeah so one car on my street got completly smashed. My neighbor went to her sons because its too cold in her apartment. I, however, have to spend "quality" time with my family. They are okay if you don't have to deal with them all the time. I sit there in front of the wood stove. My brother with his girl friend. My sister with her boyfriend. My parents. Katrina going to her soon-to-be girlfriends house. Its sickening to be the singled out person and have it pointed out every 30 minuets. I retreat to my room. It's cold, and I try to ration why I am the way I am. Why do I try to whore myself out for some damn attention? My whole life, have I only done good things for others for a nod of acceptance? (groan) Now I get yelled at for not getting up at 9am like the rest of them. Perhaps I don't want to be like you? EVER THINK THAT?! Eric even wants to get back together because I did some bonehead things 2 weeks ago.
Perhaps the reason I don't want to be with anyone is because I have to figure out who the hell I am. Wether or not my whole life is a fraud. It's hard to love anyone, when you can't even love yourself. I have so many ideas that I have books spilling over, great thoughts, and I just see that this life is nothing. What I mean is that it's all scripted. So corny at times that it reminds me of those Hallmark movies I quickly walk away from or change the channel because the next part is something I can't watch.
If you are reading this fast, you are missing out on everything I am trying to say. Its taking me a very long time to type, and I doubt you will ever appreciate it for what it really is worth. I stare at everyone around me, everything in my life, and see that none of it is what it seems. I own nothing. I cannot lay my claim to anything, because I give it all away. Perhaps that is why I am unable to love either.
How could I have such hate for myself? I look in he mirror, and I only have mean things to say to myself. I've wanted to cry because I see myself for what I am. I wonder everyday, why?
And don't bullshit me with 'theres a reason' or 'see a shrink' because what ideas, thoughts I have NO ONE has been able to understand. I get brushed off, insulted because I can't stop thinking.
They want me to be exactly like them. Husband, 2.5 kids. 2 cars, mortgage I will never pay off.
But instead I am tourtured because I decided to use my mind. I wouldn't ignore it. I chose art which I have had a passion for my whole life. I rejected their philosophies and began to learn my own. For this I have been shunned, flogged and my spirit trampled to death. And even now, while I read everyone elses blogs, and take interest in their point of view, I feel I am only screaming out to nothingness. That no one will ever understand, that I can't find a mind that understands mine. Even weirder I keep having dreams with figures such as Steve Irwin and John Denver in them. Perhaps it is just some obscure part of my mind that doesn't want to compleatly sever myself from people telling me that if I continue like this, I can't help anyone besides myself.
Ugh, you ever just regret waking up? And even lovelier its 3:33. Perhaps I should try to write a thesis of the various ways people are good and bad. How they interact. Of course this totally bias seeing as i was born into a suburban class as well and see my entire childhood lived by a spoiled brat who couldn't understand anything and cried over anything. This child being me.
hmm... Perhaps I am avoiding sex because I see its effect on other people and do not wish to be ensnared like them.
I had a dream about that too. I was seduced by some guy, and while I don't remember its act, I could feel how cramped it made me feel afterwards. I wanted to try and understand what the hell he did when in some BDSM way, I was trapped by this mistress called 'SEX'.
Then again, I'm just a huge modern day nerd who is likely afraid that her performance will be less than lack luster in the proverbial 'bedroom'
Goddamn Im thinking too much again. And I've been having too many day dreams too. To the point I have to tell myself to stop.
I don't even know why im typing anymore. Im just going to go home before it gets too dark.
I can't scream or cry. I rarely can have a cig either so....BAAH!
~a.f
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