I wonder if I can type this so it doesn't look like I'm mimicking, or just talking directly to one person. That would be rude, and I'm trying to stop my bad habits for the sake of humanity...I guess.
I'm beginning the process to quitting. Its not a big step, but I am starting on Mediums instead of regular Newports. Hopefully I can ween myself to a short pack a week, then a light short pack. Then less until I don't need any.
My blogs begin to become a pity party. Asking myself things in text and later reading it, in hopes of understanding the answer.
Why do I hunger to know?
..Why anything? Why am I about an inch away from diving into the frigid waters to help, maybe save it looks like, a person who has given up? How can I show them it's not the end?
Maybe it is, and I am just blind to the fact. It kills me to know people I care about are in pain or sad.
Then I begin to wonder why again. Should I feel this way if they are only friends? I care for them the way lovers would. I treat everyone with the most respect I can muster and do all I can to make things memorable in a good way, even if it's only little things. Maybe I should just stop. It would seem if my close friends cannot benefit from what I've known my whole life, then I'm defective. No longer useful, and should be disposed of before malfunctions turn all my good work into shit.
Then another part of my brain says "Maybe nothing is working because you aren't trying hard enough"
And then I begin to wonder why im having a damn conversation with my brain and if that is normal.
If only I could drink this pain away. Maybe I'll drink to stop thinking, and finally live this damn life.
...Unlikely.
I'm traped to be the woman I am. To wonder so much and be facinated by it all. What hurts the most is to see what I cant hold and say "It's okay. I will make it okay." I would move the stars if I could, to make my friends smile.
Then feel wretched to think I had to do so much to have my own satisfaction of a smile.
It won't be long now......
~a.f
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