Well, I've been wanting to blog, but a bit too tired to do so. Lately, my body has decided that it wants to sleep and try and balance out the nights I spent being a nervous wreck before Photo crits.
Since Tuesday I did my final performance for Acting I. Almost didn't have Ethan because he pulled one of my stunts and stayed up and then overslept. It was fine though, got an 'A' for sure.
Man was that this week? I can't remember the days are slowing like weeks.
I would talk about my dreams, but I can barely remember them. I remember fragments, feelings from them. Specific people. Then again, sometimes I cant remember if they are dreams or my day dreams or even over reactive rogue thoughts. My head is a lil messed up.
Then I think....is thought my friend or enemy? Should I take steps to think less? Usually it overloads and poses threats to my health and then stuff like right now happens.
I'm thinking so much about so many things, that I start screaming at myself to stop, and cry. Cry because all of these ideas, and none of them help anyone.
Rachel was right about alot stuff she said about me..
I miss her, terribly.
Sad thing is, I think I started looking up to her like I did my sister, and years of pain I tried to make vanish hits me in the face again. It's hard to lose someone, but it's so much worse to lose them, and know that no matter what you try, there is no way of even seeing them again by chance in the future.
I understand what it is like to love someone, and have them leave even if you don't want them to. To be angry at the things you did or didn't do. To say I will do so much different if i can have them back. Everyday it seems I am in the bathroom with the lights off crying. I plead that the past was changed. That the world had someone better than me. That I had been in the car... Look at that, I'm crying again. I was doing very well over not crying about this anymore. I learned that I couldnt change a thing, a damn thing. It was going to happen.
....And now I feel worse.
I was talking to a dear friend of mine, whom I treat like all of my close friends. One little side effect of my upbringing, I turn into a mother hen, trying to make sure everyone she cares about Never has to worry about the unknowns of life, and try to quell their fears or concerns.
I got harsh on them even though I knew they were upset. It is Christmas afterall, and people get very sad this time of year.
I could of said worse things, but I remember when I was exactly the same way, and still refused to talk to a grief counselor. Any time I had to go, I changed the subject. I didn't want people to know i was hurting. I was always the rock whom supported the world. Sadly, my eyes always betray my hidden emotions.
So I finish talking, and I decided that I would blog and check up on whom Im following. They had a new post and I clicked. I admired the background picture of a surrealist Stonehenge, and proceeded to read.
I was WAY too hard when I was talking, and feel like an ass now.
Maybe I was fast on moving on from my pain, but they weren't and if they are reading, Im not taking pity on you, but I understand. You, like every person is different, but...... I guess all I can say is I'm sorry, and hope you can forgive me for being so blind to your pain.
1:11a... Oh shit I'm dizzy, but I promised I'd stay on.
What a fool I can be.
Now I'm thinking about other things. Insulting myself. Questioning my own motives. How could I even try to help, when I crushed Eric? Dumping him and choosing my education over a relationship. I wonder if I will ever love enough to even know what my friends had. Then again...it's hard to love a freak who thinks too much.
Wanna know something sad? My family has started making fun of the fact I'm the only virgin in the house. Not something you need to know, but just one of the little thoughts that have now given me a ripe headache. So many things to know, but Why?
Why am I thinking so much? Why am I even here? Whats the reason? Surely the universe wouldnt deem my existance nessessary unless I coul help someone, even one.
/wince. My head.... I can't stop these thought explosions. It's so hard to control them too.
I guess it's meditation time. Try to rid all thought. Thats how I ease my pain over Mary Kate at least.
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