Crawling back.....

So why am I back here?

I spent a long time not needing to scream out my emotions to a page.


So why? Why am I back in the world of blogging?

Before I tell you why.... I want to know why you are reading this? concern? curiosity? Stalker? (plz dont be Stalker lol)

Because on this rainy eve, i feel most alone. A few people won't care, but will continue to read. Then they will shake their heads in their negative judgment of me. Go ahead. I do worse to myself.

(btw thats not a cutting remark, i cut myself enough when i try to cook...lucky i still have fingers)

Im smoking again, no surprise. But now that my parents know they keep going after a cig or my lighters. Got to a point i had to hide them....thats just freaky.

I almost had a job. The thought of such gave me hope for a long time as i checked in on it. It was taking awhile for my background check to go through but i was confident in it.

I kept calling, talking to the manager, and today (since i had to leave a mesage yesterday) i was over there and asked how my application process was going.

"Oh yes it went through but we filled the position."

Twice this fucking month I got jerked around and took up my own time to get my hopes up and shot down at another job not to mention having my fucking parents asking me what im doing in my interviews that it keeps getting fucked up.

Hello! Ok, anyone knows if you go into an interview LIE AND KISS THE GUYS ASS!


......(groan) I know at least 2 people are gonna start yelling at me about this blog...

Been talking to Josh on and off when hes not busy (I dont like to bug him alot so usually I just let him have his space until i maybe shoot him an email asking how his week was or give him a link)


Oh.....that reminds me. He was in my dream last night... It was a weird dream too.

I was at home talking about well random things and looked up, and I was talking to Josh. I was releived that we were on talking terms because for awhile I figured that since he started the new semester, he decided he didnt want anything from his past anymore.

He looked at me and kinda startled me. I was asking how this girl he knew was and he was grouchy about it, which reminded me of how we use to talk before. Then he took my hand and said something like 'you know...we still have a chance.' I looked up and took my hand away and just kinda left because I knew he didn't want that and had no idea who this person in my dream was.

The house filled with white smoke and I couldnt see until i got outside and a white rabbit was in a cage and looking at a fawn I had scared away.

I woke up confused because out of any dreams, I never had one with Josh in it that I can remember well.

Im putting it behind me though, that is wishful thinking of days past.

I do find it funny that no one thinks I can have a relationship with anyone.

Men(who arent perverts) tell me shit along the lines of 'no man is as insightful as what you are hoping for, try girls'

I talk to girls I know and they tell me I dont have what it takes to be lesbian.


And now im sitting going 'WTF?! am I suppose to be asexual?'

(Growl) why the fuck am I doing this? why am i writingthis? im only going to upset people.....

Shooting for the Disney internship again. If I cant make that...then ill have to move on from there.

I keep seeing peoples faces though, the dissapointment, the anger the frusteration that they have when are around me. Its something I cant shake off.


~a.f