....>< what an idiot

i surprise myself with my stupidity at times.


I was talking to Ray about Joshs blog, and for a little bit, Ii couldnt read it when he started talking about "Sarah". It was like, Im finally able to find out new things and all of a sudden a person I do not know starts taking up alot of time and....I hate it, but i hate myself more.

So, apparently, Sarah is a girl, my age, well almost my exact astrology charts. Earth Dragon, Leo. Yes i know the charts are more detailed than that but shes a summer baby born in 88.

Shes in a few of his classes and plays WoW. According to Rachel, Josh has been into her for months.
....I do find ways to make myself miserable....

So, i got jealous, and starting voicing my opnion of a girl i never met, whom i guess i do not like. i called her a harpy. stated how i hated that she used her gender to do things she wanted and get what she wanted.

Its not just her, i hate most girls like that. I hated most of the people i graduated with really...

I feel really bad, because i was venting this on Rachel, whom I shouldn't vent on, se has more than enough on her plate to have to listen to me being stupid and ranting about a guy I had a crush on a long time ago but forced it gone because he was in a relationship.

ha ha...there, you got me. I liked Josh, but i knew he was MUCH older, and going out with Rachel.

Now I kick myself in the head for choosing my paths the way I did. However, i must not sulk on it. i should just be glad he has someone to talk to and have someone in common with. lol, he talks about Java in his blog and i sit back and go "wow, im so glad i not doing that. Id kill myself"

I tend to mess alot of things up when I try to change who I am. its doubtful though, anyone wants a depressed geek who is constantly acting like the world is wonderful.


i wonder to myself at times why I give so much of myself away to everyone else...

It hit me subtly. I give of myself because I do not want anyone to feel the pain I feel almost all the time when Im in my room, face to face with my true self: a sad thing with little chance in a future.

im gonna go.

sorry if this has caused un needed anguish for anyone.

--fluty