After this morning, I found myself feeling better and better.
I went to my interview, it went ok. I have to go back for another one.
I decided, since the 89 will go by the apartment anyway, to swing by and do an emergency treatment on the fuchsia plant, which was heavily infested with spider mites.
I walked up the four flights and noticed, for once, I wasnt fully winded from the climb. That has to be a good sign.
I walked in, and the air was still thick with sleep.
I said hello to Josh, he was playing World of Warcraft.
So many things I want to tell him, but I know I cannot.
I was a bit angry and upset after talking with Rachel this morning, thus my previous post.
Josh told me something very insightful that allowed me to at least let go of my anger:
"Don't set your hopes too high or too low. Don't take the high road or the low. Stay in the middle. Continue on your path."
We talked, and talked about so many things, and I found that the things we talk about are getting deeper and deeper.
I was tired, and so relaxed while we were talking, i started seeing things. Amazing things.
He was talking about the things in his life, and I could feel how eachone of them weights down on him and creates a black cloud. I could see it because he was thinking about it, and it made my heart sink how much darkness surrounded him. Then I saw how in this whole black cloud, there was a white beam. A beacon of light to show hope that he can make it, and it was connected to his mind. His sheer will power.
Josh and I were watching a program about Barbians, namely the Saxons, and we got into the conversation of chainmail tunics. Josh was talking about how Rachel didn't like it, but I only saw in my mind 'how can I make one without any seams? I think i can make a cambric shirt like that. I thought about it more and more, and all I could see when i looked back at Josh, was him, in a chainmail shirt, almost full knight attire. I was so surprised. It looked so good, and I could see it so vividly. Needless to say, this isnt something I see alot on other people. What happened next, was something I was use to a little bit more.
Josh was on the phone, and I got this awful pain in my arm. It felt like I was shot with an arrow, and it hurt!!
I started dozing off after that because it was all just so blissful. I didn't want to give it up so soon.
However, Josh wanted to play wow, and it was going for 8, and i needed to get home.
I couldnt get everything out of my head, its getting harder and harder.
I wont force anything, or rush anything. I promise to myself, that where I am is a dark forest, and I cannot see my path, but soon.... so soon I will emerge from the woods and see the fields of the future and tommorrow, and if I am lucky enough, I will see my friends in the light of tommorrow and pray their paths intertwine with mine for a long time to come.
I think it is like this: With Josh I see hope. Not hope for me, not hope for him, but hope. Hope for what I don't know. He doesn't either, I do wish I will be there to help and support when thats revealed.
The biggest thing was that, when I wrote a first draft-private version- it was like I had a cloak or arms wrapping me in warmth and strength and it made me feel so safe.
I came up with a good quote for like those Hallmark cards, and its to be taken at face value, there is nothing implied with this, just somethings that strung themselves together.Of course, if it were I who made the card it would be for something compleatly unassociated with the cards content. Like
Each night I bless your name.
Every glass I drink is to your heath.
Every wish I make is for your wellness.
Every tear I cry is for the shear love I have for you....
Sorry about the VD I gave you last summer.
*snark* Stop stop the music, listen to the beat. And dont stop the rhythm, its a part of me.
TTyl
~Alyssa
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