Falling Apart.

I don't know how much more I can do. Im gonna snap, scream. I thought everything was okay, that it would all be smooth and at least people could have heir space. But suddenly people in our enviorments just invaded like the Vietkong. There are no answers. nothing to figure out.

I feel worthless if I'm not helping someone else. I dont want to go back to how it was, but I realize I have no more control over my life. It frightens me to be at fates will.

Im suppose to be happy, but it seems conditional. I have to have my room fully cleaned out by next week. My sancturary is going to be defiled. Invaded, and I can't stop them. Meanwhile, I am beginning to regret every move I make. I deleted another blog, because I felt it was responsible for some drama.

I messed up, and I dont think I can ever fix it. I must of done something wrong.

Its so upsetting to see everything you tried to handle with care shatter. Friendships, relationshipss with anyone are so fragile and beautiful that we take them for granted.

Everything I saw as a child....I never thought it would end like this. I always thought there would be more sunny days, more friends to talk to.... I cant say anything that wont incriminate myself. I never thought that I was the biggest bad guy. I feel dead inside. Snapped like the branches against the winds, and left to die in a field. Been snapped at, bullied, and neglected by every thing i held dear. My siblings snap at me, my family bullies (rather pressures) and the only thing I can come up with is that its my fault. Its an excuse and who I am is no ones fault but my own. Not the way i was raised, not my enviorment, not my lack of friends.


I don't want to give up, but I cant sit up at night alone because I am waiting for a friend to message me or email me back. They have their own lives. Lives I cannot interfere with anymore.I just dont know what to do to help anymore. I was always the second or third...or last choice in everything I did. Now its just time to stop kidding myself and bow out for good.

I'll update later.

~a.f

[^o^]....rawr

my sleeping is all mucked up.

CORRECTION.

Everything is mucked up right now.

Im going to sleep at 9am and getting up at 2pm

Been cleaning my stuff. Tried to scrub my white tennis sneakers. Got annoyed with the vinegar and window cleaner and the intense scrubbing that i tossed them in the machine. I realize I will likely need a new pair. Disney don't like no dingy tennis sneakers you wore for 2 seasons straight.

Theres other stuff I've wanted to do, but the weather makes stuff like that impossible. I need to shut up one day and just get in the car or on the bus because I have this photoshoot, and I dont want to push it back 7 months.

My last function in NY will be Genericon. Likely will leave Sunday morning

I want to see everyone before I go if I can. My timidness is keeping me from being friendly.

I found a song I remember so vividly in my mind from the last summer with Mary Kate. It was the same summer I founf subbed anime on Limewire. I was 14. It's interesting the smells and soungs that remind me of that summer. I didn't know how important and perfect It was going to be.

Sadly, Sony wont let me use the original video so I had to do next best thing, an AMV. I dont care about the video, its the music I love.



Will update later.

lol it seems my roommate is bringing her own dishes because she has issues with people using plates before us....uh, its called steam clean? Maybe shes OCD like Monk and brings her own dish to a resturant lol

Adventures in Cleaning

Everyone has been cleaning lately in my house. I'm taking the clothes I want to bring to disney out of their summer bins and washing the dust and ding they have collected (really it's good measure), and then packing them into my luggage. Mind you, I won't need alot of regular clothes because I will likely be working alot, but it doesn't hurt to have a wardrobe on hand just in case.

The scarier part is actually cleaning my room. lol

I seem to be a bit of a pack rat, but I've found some neat stuff including pictures from my very first anime convention and my very first cosplay as Pan from dragonball GT. (yes I know that series sucked but I loved how simple Pan's putfit was lol)

The same issue has arose though. Whenever I start doing a deep clean on my room, I start sneezing like crazy. Maybe I'm allergic to cleaning? hee hee hee.....

But my story is nothing compared to my little brother. He and his girlfriend decided to clean the bathroom and bleach it. Not only did he ruin one of the brand new t-shirts I gave him, he mixed ammonia and bleach (I KID YOU NOT!)

Whatever he put it in melted and got on the carpet. Genius then tried to sop it up with one of the good towels. Now.....afterwards, no one could understand why large chunks of the rug were missing. It was melted away, and it ended up on the towel which, after 4 washes, will never be the same.

I don't like to clean my room if I don't have to. My room, my sanctuary, and I don't like to disturb it....Mind you, it IS a freaking mess. ^__^;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

One small bag is almost filled with my casual pants (some long, some short)

More jeans are in the dryer, and shirts are in the washing machine.

3 weeks. I will likely be leaving sunday. I plan to be going to Genericon though.

More updates later. The dryer dinged lol

~a.f

Systematic Downsizing.

Don't you love it when people make plans behind your back and never tell you about it?

Case in point of what I seem to have found out by my little sister instead of my parents.

My little sister is very bossy, and everything will be her way and catered to her.../sigh.

It would seem after I return from Disney, I'm being kicked out of my house.

Her boyfriend is moving in. His roommate has fucked him over on his rent for too long. He is going to be taking my little sisters room. Little sis will be taking Mary Kates room, and the items such as the bed in Mary Kates room will be moved to mine to become a guest bedroom.

I quickly pointed out the one little detail they forgot: What about me?

"Oh, well it will be summer. You can sleep in the pool house if you have to. I would."

-grumbles about 'well why don't you Chosen child?'-

I talked to my little sister about possibly moving in with my grand parents and taking care of them:
"I think they're moving in here too."

S-so what? I'm compleatly fucked? They think I'm going to be making alot of money with Disney, but I'm not. I don't know what I will do. I knew they were growing les fond of me, but I didn't know that they were going to systematicly bully me out. The whole situation makes me wonder if they just stopped caring.

Out with the old, in with the new.

So, I guess while I'm in Orlando, I will try to secure a new job by the time I come back and an apartment. At least I know this will make them at least a little happier. This might be reprocussion for trying to keep my roommate from getting kicked out. (shrug)

I'll find a way, I'm sure. Perhaps in 7 months, they will change their minds?

I have 3 weeks...I have to get my things in order. I will likely have to put everything in boxes so they can get rid of them/me faster.

I have to wonder though, what did I do? Was I not nice enough? Did I lose my temper too much?

I guess this is just rewards.

Will blog later. I'm headed to Maginn tomorrow. I ran into one of my old teachers and I was planning on such anyway.
-20 min later-

So I decided to confront my mother about what the hell is going on. She fucking LAUGHED. Said that i'm not being kicked out, and no wonder I have a complex. No shit I have a complex! Im being told that after my internship I wont return to a home! She said if anything happened, I could have the attic. The wonderful attic filed with dust and low ass roofs and a ity bity tiny window and the possibility of not even getting up there if someone needs the ladder. OMFG my family has the best sense of humor right?

My little sister did all of this. Fucked my head up into thinking that everything is slipping away. What the hell did I do to her? I never got away with as much as she is. I have strived for everyones justice and fairness but where is mine?

Worse part is that now it's in my parents minds to kick me out which they have begun to use against me as they laugh. THATS NOT FUCKUNG FUNNY! I don't want to think that after finally getting my head back that I wont be welcomed in my own home.

How can people be so sneaky and cruel and sick?
~a.f

Its another one of those nights...I wonder when day will break.

After freaking out over my internship I emailed Sim and explained everything. Hudson Valley wouldn't let me go this far and then hit me in the head would they?

Anyway, I went onto Facebook to see if one of my friends was still going. I see Rachel and her updated staus message on her grades. Of course she is going to have alot of friends comment about it too.

That moment in time I felt most alone. I had no one to talk to who actually cared. I wanted to be a good person, and all it got me was an internship in the air about to smash like ribbon candy.

I looked and found everyone from the old class..... and realized I was never ready for change. But the problem is, I cant control it. I see all the people I helped in my life, wether cheering them up, giving them support, or helping them through what we thought was the end of the world. I see how happy they are, so Sucessful.

Why did I fuck it all up?

I could of been a better person, but I gave it all up for what? FOR FUCKING WHAT?!!!

for other people to just glide through while you sit in the nosebleeds? For no one to recignize you when they are famous or successful?

To always be made fun of....wether or not I was in school. I helped EVERYONE, and all I got was pain....and a destroyed future.

I miss it all...my school, my few friends, her....because I had a life then. It was a happy life. Im standing...at the point of utter collapse because i know if I lose this.....it's all over. Everything rides with Disney.

If I should die....I want to go back to that morning....to that hallway...to poke my head down the corridor....to make sure she was there. She was always there.... but like everything else in this cursed life. I got use to her being there, and the moment I think everything is going to be fine...it gets destroyed.

Not in my hevan. In my hevan, I'm back in the halls of Bishop Maginn, back where my family, my WHOLE family of students, faculty, friends are there.

I want the pain to stop. I cant ignore it anymore, and its only going to get worse.

I stand at the point of oblivion, and I dont know how this is going to end.

(stares blankly....unable to string any other words together to express the feelings still left)

Waking up from the Dream

I may of done it again.... Set myself up that is.

The letter I was sure was coming came. Academic suspension.....again. Its not that i'm not smart (then again...that might be it exactly) but I hate parts of HVCC with a passion. Teachers, classes. But instead of pulling myself out of the class and risking going part time and dealing with an angry family, I never showed up. Now I pay the price for it. I was set, all set. I will be the biggest dissapointment not only to myself but to anyone who knows me. They all told me, but I didnt listen. This isnt pity...inside im ripping myself apart for the absolute failure I let myself become. There is no one to blame but me, and no one to help me when I fall. But even now, when I know I am in it so deep, do you know what I think about? A friend who needs help and support.

If I lose this internship.... I don't know what I will do. The first time this happened I went into a very deep depression, but I was lucky enough to have friend(s) by my side. After preparing for everything, if what Ive poured my heart and soul into vanishes... I don't know but it wont be pretty. heh, I say that like im threatening to break a chair. Thing is, if my parents find out, they will give up. I will be kicked out, and then a new issue shall arise...rather many will.

I have this awful feeling though that I have to do this alone. So ye of little people whom read this blog, your comments are nice and help me out. However, no matter what you write, the truth will still be there and no amount of kind words can change that I neglected everything, that now I have secrets that could change my life. What will happen when it comes to be Jan 28th and my parents want to drop me off at Disney?

Leo the Lion slips back into his cage, hoping that one day the bars will melt into his freedom.

What did he say?

Forgive me. I have to add a few Lines because the text is spilling out of the margins



So as of late, I have been watching V for Vendetta. Amazing movie that forces you to think. However, there are a few of Vs speeches that unless you have a keen ear, pass you by without their meaning ever sinking in. Someone did the hardest task in the first one, where V introduces himself and I must say I laughed heartily at it.


After seeing that, I knew there needed to be a squeal.



I connect at times with Evey. At first she just wants to stay low because she was hurt in the past. However fate wont let her and she teams up with a person who at first facinates her. She hates him alot at times, but still tries to be his friend. Sadly, she runs, unable to join him fully. V then takes her and forces her to become the person she wanted to be and she falls in love. sadly she realizes he will never have her.

Meanwhile, I am here. I forget that at times. Its 3am...It might be time for me to lay down..

So tired....Happy new year BTW

i wrote a really neat review of Flavours butt ive kinda crashed right now and want sleep. Today was kinda rocky. i had to chase sandys(my neighbor) dog, coffee around. After trying to clear the windsheild I put him in. its got those double doors so when I tried getting out the other side ,he followed. Now both doors are open and i put him back in....He goes out the other side into a large snow bank i wanted to avoid. now im coldm, wet, and wanna get going. I drag him around (forgetting the door) and put him in....Basard did the same god damn thing again! In hein sight it was funny for its Benny Hill styling. Its very cold, and all I can think about is Disney. My job, my equipment, how what when. its coming up so fast.

Spent the new year pretending to be happy with my family. I dont know who i am...I wonder when i will.

3am....time for bed...

kinda wish I had someone I liiked next to me .__. Maybe next year. Or the year after that.

Guess what is a bad idea? CRAIGSLIST

@__@ I thought I would do it as a social experiment. What would happen if I posted on craigslist.


Holy crap. DO NOT WANT!

Within 2 min I had 20 emails, all of them perverts. Actually not all of them. A few are actually nice.

So why did I decide to do it? I was frustrated sexually and figured 'oh why not? lets see what happens'

I figured maybe I'll find some fun

What I found was all the dirty horny guys in albany -__-

I mean, yes, im nervous about sex, but im 20 for christ sake! I mean....I should be comfortable with who I am, not posting some weird stuff. Its not that im looking for any guy. I'm trying to find someone who can capture my attention, and will it towards any subject. To be so absorbed into who i am talking to.... Seems like a fantasy I cant capture.

Oh well, tonight wasnt a compleate failure.

Gonna try and sleep, ttyl

~a.f

ARRRRUGH!!!

Okay, first thing is first. For those of you from the Ning, welcome, be careful I am about to get VERY angry.

Second off, This is my blog. MY BLOG. A place for me to express my feelings, cry, scream (as I am doing right now) Or whatever else the fuck I feel like doing! Now I don't Appreciate those of you who have been taking my blog seriously. I mean yes, Im expressing myself but im not going to seriously hurt myself or some crap like that. That is stupid.

HOWEVER, now those of you who have been interacting on my blog have now created a hostile environment for me at home. Now....when Squally gets fucked at home for her words...Squally gets pissed and clamps down on who can say or see what goes on in her life. We understand?

You see, I just got yelled at Because things that I write in confidence Here have bridged into the "Real World"

My family does not have the URL to this blog, which has been a godsent for me, however people have been talking to them and guess whos first to get bitched at for it?

NOTHING I WRITE HERE
SHOULD HAVE TO BITE ME IN THE ASS!!!

...And people wonder why I suspended the blog.

If I must, I will change it. I won't let my expressions threaten who I am. I will just hide them away from people who hurt me, wether or not they mean it. I am not a pawn in anyone's game, but rather I am an explorer of my own life and part of that life is my emotions.

Way to go, fucking up my day.

~Alyssa

Sadness creeps...and I cannot fight it

All I see is the sunshine, the balcony, the laughter, the warmth...and I cant stop crying.

I never really talked about the subject, because I didn't want this to happen. Now I am alone in my room at 4am, crying.

Crying over Rachel.

I...She was the reson I had hope again. She kept me from giving up on everything.

I remember ohw we met..kinda. I made a fool of myself the first day of Parrs Drawing I class. I don't know what she thought of me that first day. I avoided her alot, because looked strikingly like another person i knew and feared. As time progressed, I began to talk to a Punk style girl named Madison, and continued my stretched friendship with a guy named Zach.

God I can't even remember how we began talking to eachother. I guess the inital moment in time doesn't matter does it? Madison and Rachel started me on finally taking the bus to and from school. Sure, I was nervous, but Rachel showed me where to catch my bus before walking to Josh's parents place. Mind you, 3 seconds later I almost got myself run over by the 80....god I was so stupid back then..

This all started over the song we heard in the studio. The song that always reminded me of her....

...Samson.

I spent so much time with her. Learned who she was. I had to know if she was real or just a figment of my desperate imagination. I still remember sitting in her kitchen, fiddling with her laptop with this song playing while the door was open and she was cleaning her room (seemed like she was always cleaning that room)

Or the night before NYC where I slept at the foot of her bed like a guard dog.

Even the first time I was allowed upstairs, sitting in her rocking chair, sipping tea while she worked on 2D.

I barely knew her a year. It would of been a year in August. Shows that I can't keep anything nice.

But how? How could I get so involved, so attached to her so quickly?

She was my Best Friend, and I couldn't say good bye. I never get to say goodbye.

Even now, im trying to push another very good and kind friend away because I know where he is now is not where he should be. He has to find a better place, but I realize I have to let go again, and after losing Rachel, after losing so many people who I loved in my life...Ill be totally alone, like I am right now.

She had no idea how much she affected people. How much people truly loved her, and I don't know if she ever will.

They all move on. I see it so many times. They will likely never remember the name, or the face of the person who was obessed with some japanese director, who fell asleep at their easel.

Who looked at everyone else with dismay, knowing that she could never fit in properly. Who always questioned wether or not she should be an artist.

Who questions if she should still be alive.

They are happier only knowing me for the time they did and allowing me to fade away into memory. I can't keep people forever, even if mine heart doth protest.

Good night
~Alyssa

What is normal?

I have been reading stuff from other people. Watching videos, and looking at the twitter on various people and how their lives are. I am not trying to compare my life to theirs, but try to understand and the commonality over what is "Normal" or abnormal for that.

One person felt that Christmas was fine. Spent time with family and etc (the Commercial Christmas Card Day)

Another's was awful in their opinion. No matter how much they wanted to have a good day, the emotional needs of the people around them refused to let them do such (Blue Christmas)

The third......o-Oh... Well The Third is Jewish so they wont help much in this psychological study.

Please note, this is only examining one day. not past, not present, but Christmas itself and my search for a normal style of Christmas, seeing as my was non existent basically.

So, one would assume that no matter how much you fair during the year, that Christmas should be a day where you put all hardships aside and celebrate being with people you like or even love.

No one should be forced into any emotion it is noted though, wether forced to be happy or sad despite their own wishes.

If I may, Im going to stop consciously typing this in a way that people wont find offensive and go by instinct and what my mind really can see. its in images and color and feeling.....


In each hand a figure. Both worn, battered and chipped with the age of time. On the left. Cracks and chips painted over with department store paint, with a bland smile, and dark eyes. In the right hand, a chipped peice, a feeble smile, and sad eyes trying to repair its own cracks.

the left looks fine, but not quite reasonable yet. a few touches, the sudden paint job needing to be understood and it should begin to level off

the right needs help to patch up and clean off. Like that precious ornament you had and took care of for a very long time. It just needs some TLC.

Perhaps both do...

Being alone in boxes, pulled out only when someone wants to feel their warmth..... but be heart breaking.

I treasure both.

I made no sense did I? I'm sorry, the visions i see don't usually translate well.

To both the left and right. Both know who you are likely. I wish your Christmases could of been something else that you would of liked and made to cherish.

I'll see what I can do to make it up for the both of you.

~a.f

Marking up the past year..

So I was reading Lisa Murray's blog, which I happen to stumble upon via my twitter.

Awesome person http://lisamurray.com/(click that! CLIK NAO! lol)

and she put out "Homework" Of two lists and I hope everyone who reads this makes their own.

Top 10 things that rocked in 08 and top 10 Things you want to accomplish in 2009

So here is mine

Top 10 that rocked in 08

- I kissed a girl (...Not sure if i liked it though..)

- Played W.o.W (Totally like that!!)

- Shared my true feelings with the world and people I cared about

- I finished a full semester at HVCC

- I won an artist award (I was not expecting that!)

- I started on Lolcats

- Began to go deeper in my photography work (thanks to Ryan)

- Expressed myself in this blog

- Realized how much I have matured in the span of a year

top 10 I hope to accomplish

- my screen play for Matsuboko

- go more freelance in my photo work

- Get the most out of my Disney internship

- Find a person who I can relax and be myself with for real

- Learn to drive

- Get a cheap car or Vespa

- Continue to carve my own path in the arts, rather than the degree course they want

- Begin to vlog

- Possibly move out of my parents home.

Whats yours? put in comments or even make it on your own blog

Merry Christmas? I have yet to start lol

Oh god I am so tired.

My christmas doesn't last one day because I work like hell up to the min that if it were to only occur on one day, I would miss it all. For now I am going to write every thought that comes to my head. Forgive me if it isn't very cohesive.

So right now I am relaxing and listening to my Christmas music. The new stuff isn't very good. I was working with Eric and he bashed the Christmas song that came on the radio, which kind of upset me a bit. He judged it without listening to it at all. Now, I could listen to select Xmas songs because I can begin to take the music, the vocals, and the words and feel them all work as one to give a message. The new music, like I was subjected to when I was working at KB, has no heart to it. They covered a song that once had great meaning so they could peddle a CD and make money.

I guess the message in music is a reason why I adore folk artists like John Denver, which is who I am listening to now. The Peace Carol to be exact. He loved working with the muppets and knew how to embrace their pure essence. It's actually hard for me to explain because I begin to think about it, and my heart swells in the adoration that Denver and Henson had in their work. I look up to those guys when I'm working on my photography or writing and sketching my thoughts because they inspired me to no end.

So. My Christmas.... Well I got little sleep on the 23rd because I thought I was going to have to grab the 6am bus to get to Wilton by 10am. So at 4 I fell asleep. Woke up at 7, and my father actually drove me in. I was 30 min late because the roads were so god awful and people in Clifton Park are disturbed when it comes to driving.

So 11-7 basicly I was at KB and the rest of the evening could not get the sound of the cash register out of my head. Eric was uuber awesome and bought us Pizza, and I made it though the day, even though I was exausted. The store was bare of items. Everything was marked down and basicly gone. I told people who asked me about the companies close that 'We finally got bored after 82 years"

Eric really wanted me to go to a family party with him, but it was Christmas Eve. I really wanted to spend it with my own family. Plus it was my little brothers birthday. He kept sneaking kisses which I liked and didn't like at the same time. I'm just very open right now. I am just trying to keep myself from getting hurt I guess. However, in trying to keep from getting hurt, I guess I could be keeping myself from living as well.

Anyway, I get home and eat the traditional Eve dinner of anchovies in dough, talpia, shrimp, and pasta in a clamari sauce. Hee hee, think im Itallian much?

So Eric walks in while I'm eating, and I did the mist boneheaded thing. Right while im shovling food in my face (because at that point I was VERY hungry), seeing him in my perferial vision startled me and I shot my head up....like half of the pasta sticking out.

>< smoooth.

He said he didnt have a chance to hug me proper and proceeded to hug not only me but katrina, and my nephew Ronan in a huge group hug. I of course got smothered in his ginormous arm.

Watched my little sister on TV singing in Melodies of Christmas. The VCR kept pissing me off because the picture quality was grainy as hell. I stayed up and started cleaning around the tree (which was measured at 12f 6in with a 7ft diameter)

I put up the important ornaments that were left out after the fiasco I mentioned in a prior post. My parents Wedding ball, Mary kates Ballerina and Ballet shoes, and my personal fav, the litte drum I made in art enrichment when I was like 9 out of a tuna can, ribbon and toothpicks.....Sounds like a Magiver Christmas Special waiting to happen.

I was a little peturbed that I couldnt take out my Lionel trains. One thing I always look forward to is my trains. They make my Christmas whole because as a very little girl I remember going to my grandmothers(Rest her) On South Street. My father told me the key to Lionels is to lay on your stomach with your head on the floor and watch the train. I did so,and its effect was so magical that I would pout for years at Christmas when our transformer for the trains vanished with one of the trains. Two years ago, I got fed up, and went online to find a transformer and ended up with a new train and more track and two replica trains of the ones my father lost when his house burned down.

I cleaned upwards until 4am and laid on the floor, falling asleep when my mother walks in and asks me to help her wrap her gifts. Mind you, I told her to wrap weeks ago. I was cranky and a zombie so I think I may of told her off and went to bed hee hee hee.

Next thing I know, my door is being pounded on and Sean is telling me to wake up, its christmas. Sean is my little sisters b/f, and I was ready to rip his head off because they went to bed early....bastards. I go to collect the gifts to hand out when I see Kelly's is missing. I groaned and proceeded out,knowing that If I were to dwell on finding the one, I would never locate it. If I tell myself it's okay, it will show up.

So far I only opened up one or twi gifts because I kept myself busy with giving out my gifts and cooking breakfast and taking another nap. I promised my parents I would attend evening mass with them back in Schenectady. I use to live in Schenectady, a couple blocks from St Johns church. I have some faded memories of living on South Street as a baby. Mind you, we moved to Troy when I was about 6 months or so but I do remember Mom in her red star Pajamas while I was in the hottub with daddy in a rigging of those fisher price swings that look like a plastic butt cast that only allowed the water to submerge my legs and nothing else. My father is an amazing man who made everything look so beautiful. I hope one day to Own that house on South ave. Its beauty is just on levels that no man could ever know. the stairs, the halls, the parlor, the bar, the rooms...just beautiful.

Its surpising that this post is full of hope and love and not of self loathing like my previous ones. I read My friend, Josh's post, and I guess it was a little kicker to maybe share the things in my life that I remember that made my childhood so special. Mind you, im still trying to find out where I went askew into the depressed, self loating creaton I am today.

MMmm, Im so tired its almost funny. Been having fun with my black shaul. Mom keeps trying to take it on me. It was a fluke I even have been wearing it. I found it in my closet and put off wearing it because it didnt go with anything and seemed like it wouldnt be warm enough. I began wearing my festive clothes including a skirt I couldnt resist lol, and its surprisingly warm! So when Im going out Ive often ditched my brown fuzzy coat that goes with my brown hat for this shaul, which has been awesome doubling as a blanket. Only downside is it what I am wearing is not dark, it will shed all over them.

Well, its 2:22 am. I should get some well needed sleep. All day Ive had repeating time, and more amazing. I was walking the dog and the stars were alligned in a huge '7' so I guess running ragged gave me some healing. Not peaceful contenment which I see and feel as mulberry red, but healing with strong laughter and smiles in the face of hard times, which is a baby blue and white in my mental aura classification. Many moods I can pinpoint in color. Perhpas in a later post I will talk about which emotions I feel envoke which colors.

Until then, Merry Christmas

~Alyssa Ann

^__^

"Of course they're Pirates! They've got a flag with a Skull!"

Oh how I loathe my little brother. Okay, it's not just him. There are times I hate everyone, but him I rarely like.

Right now I am filled with so much anger I am about to explode, but its worse because Im trying to calm myself down too. I finish up the laundry room and procede to unwrap Christmas balls, something I asked him to do at 2p. I had the ladder set up and get proceede to straddle it, trying not to freak out at the fact i was Ten feet in the air with nothing but a bunch of branches to save me if I teeter the wrong way. Now for being a massive tree, there were a hell of alot more ornaments, and he only would give me the tiny mass produced ones that didn't mean anything. I asked him 2 things : Get hooks on them and stop giving me the generic balls.

His response? A string of foul words about my sexuality in question and handing me another ball.

Now, I don't always try to be a bitch but when you hate heights, have A Christmas Story being blasted at you which is very painful when one has sensative ears (it developed when I was deaf as a child. That is a weird story there)

It all came to a head when I asked for a ball, and heard the delicate tinkle of broken shards.

"Noo." I thought to myself "Mom told me not to break any of them, what did he do?"

I asked to see it. He and his cronie girlfriend ignored me

"Let me see it!" I snarled.

He looked at me with a 'what the fuck bitch?' look and took the tissue paper that blanketed the little pink(Apparently) ball. Clenched it, and began to punch it thus making it beyond repair. He has no sentimental value for anything.
I got off of the ladder, almost falling off, and left. I can never work with that ass. He takes my feelings and plays them against me, doing things he knows upsets me. Then proceeds to scream at me and verbally abuse me when i try to defend myself.

I can't do this. No one wants to help me. I have no one to talk to, and all I can do is cry. I remember when it wasn't like this. I had a best friend. A person I could entrust my life to...all I am left with is a broken heart and a kid who doesnt appreciate anything.

I want her back. You have no idea what I would do. what I would give up to have her back.

good night.
~a,f

3:33....good time for a post

I couldnt think of a title until I saw my clock. Its too weird, and im getting tired of it.

I...I don't know what to do. I finished feeling really happy that one friend is finally looking up when I get a message from Eric. Hes upset and feels hopeless and mentally I just collapse. I can't do this! I am bad enough, and I am thankful Eric stuck by me with that, but I went over so much with him, that my brain and emotions are far too over taxed to do it all again.

So I did the only thing I knew. I got up, left the room, and cried in the bathroom. I help alot of people I try to be good to everyone because I know if i don't somewhere down the road it will bite me in the ass, but why? Why the constant need to assist? Even the Percocet isn't helping me.

So I have to stand alone, fighting my demons, and helping my friends fight theirs when all I have
is a level one staff and worn out boots.

I don't want to give up, but it hurts...alot. Im returning the favor to friends. They helped me when I needed it, and now I'm helping them. There shouldn't be anything else to it. Let my hheart weep....I hate love anyway.

~a.f

Okay, I have to put better thought into my dreams

This was creepy, like freaky creepy.

I was directing a new movie. A horror film with a monster and demons and goblins, but no one would get hurt because alot of it would get painted in with CG. This dog got attacked in its home by demons that looked like imps. Then I was in the dark room doing the prints from the photoshoot that I had talked about yesterday. I freaked out because I was printing colors in the black and white developer. I go out of the darkroom and was attacked but ran. I tried looking for someone anyone when cut was yelled and I was brought into this gray room with other people just standing or sitting around doing nothing. No one talked and it was creepy.

Man!.....what chaos my head is in.

Its moms birthday so im running around as usual. have the dog to walk still, and then mindless cleaning.

Toodles

~a.f

Does no see the coward bleeding in the corner?

I wonder if I can type this so it doesn't look like I'm mimicking, or just talking directly to one person. That would be rude, and I'm trying to stop my bad habits for the sake of humanity...I guess.

I'm beginning the process to quitting. Its not a big step, but I am starting on Mediums instead of regular Newports. Hopefully I can ween myself to a short pack a week, then a light short pack. Then less until I don't need any.

My blogs begin to become a pity party. Asking myself things in text and later reading it, in hopes of understanding the answer.

Why do I hunger to know?

..Why anything? Why am I about an inch away from diving into the frigid waters to help, maybe save it looks like, a person who has given up? How can I show them it's not the end?

Maybe it is, and I am just blind to the fact. It kills me to know people I care about are in pain or sad.

Then I begin to wonder why again. Should I feel this way if they are only friends? I care for them the way lovers would. I treat everyone with the most respect I can muster and do all I can to make things memorable in a good way, even if it's only little things. Maybe I should just stop. It would seem if my close friends cannot benefit from what I've known my whole life, then I'm defective. No longer useful, and should be disposed of before malfunctions turn all my good work into shit.

Then another part of my brain says "Maybe nothing is working because you aren't trying hard enough"

And then I begin to wonder why im having a damn conversation with my brain and if that is normal.

If only I could drink this pain away. Maybe I'll drink to stop thinking, and finally live this damn life.
...Unlikely.

I'm traped to be the woman I am. To wonder so much and be facinated by it all. What hurts the most is to see what I cant hold and say "It's okay. I will make it okay." I would move the stars if I could, to make my friends smile.

Then feel wretched to think I had to do so much to have my own satisfaction of a smile.



It won't be long now......
~a.f

xmas and jobs.,,

Well Jen and Nikki had their xmas party and Dj picked me up and whee away we ent.

Not the most interesting sentence but okay.

I was lamenting over what to give the two people who not only introduced me to cosplay, but became a good source of moral support. They are a couple and plan on getting married at some point.

So, I grabbed this overstuffed lamb I picked up a while ago, and took all my photos because I knew Jen's was in there. By the way. (points up) That would be Miss Jen as Leon from Rez Evil 4.

Now to clarify form previous posts. I ranted and yelled at a girl named Jen. THIS IS NOT THE SAME JEN. Okay, moving on.

It turns out it was exactly what they wanted. Nikki squealed, Jen was like "Awesome!" And I beamed at actually getting something right.

We commenced with watching Tokyo Godfathers which is one of my fav videos in the world. If you havent seen it, heres a trailer, but you have to be good with subtitles because there is no dub version of it (one reason I love it):



Notice that the only speech you hear is Miyuki saying 'forgive me' or people's names.

Then got into playing Apples to Apples with like 10 people, then wandered to where Dj was and started playing Go which I have not played in many MANY years, and some chess.

Then we ate. played rock band2 (I was decent) then we all settled and began to talk about everything.

It's great when friends are away for so long. We just sit and talk and talk. We were discussing mainly anime and cosplay, which gave me more ideas. Then Dolphies.

Dolphies are something I really love, but will never own due to how expensive they are.



That is one of Jen's Dolphies.

So, it seems I will actually be able to do A dolphie photoshoo before I go. Nikki has 5, Jen has two and I will have fun with them. I've already begun to think of different poses for them and their various outfits. Little story boards etc.

I have to go now, but this Christmas I hope you smile at least once. Love takes many faces and many forms.Even if no one is your arms, know you are in someones heart. Wether you know it or not.

I am working tomorrow and getting home will be a pain.

Toodles

~a.f


WHEEEEEEE! Photoshoot! can't wait! ^___^