Squally/TheArtsyTuber/Alyssa.... Who really knows who I am?

2009-09-09T04:45:00.002-04:00

yeah i dont care when it was last i posted. i left disney aug 14....kinda wish i never lefted because life just picked up exactly where i left it...crappy as HELL. working on a new job....if i can pay attention to this resume im suppose to be writing and not facebook -_- Also a little ticked that in my dr who seasons 1-4 they omitted voyage of the damned. What the hell?! its a pivital ep to begin season 4!!! arrrrugh!

life is a fickle thing.... i just found out today that one of my best friends ive known since highschool on the internet is dying and i cant visit or do anything about it.

this tottaly sucks ya know? My family is getting on my ass again about having Dani as a friend. I know what it is though. They don't care wether or not I have friends, because I have friends (...although I kinda sound in denail with that sentance) It's that they want 'proper' friends that will not tarish their families image like my little brothers friends do. I cant do shit here. I swear to god im going back to florida because

1) no one appreicates me here
2) my family.....(growl)
3) i got more done leaving them all behind

Im gonna try for a job at sage and hope for the best.

RWAAAR! >:O

-alyssa

....fantastic

Hmm! Gutsy You Are!

2009-05-25T12:27:00.001-04:00

Don't expect me to do anything like this lol

And why do I need a title?

2009-05-24T13:05:00.002-04:00

Finally Sunday. This week has been a little....wet.

The rain has been crazy this whole week. On Wensday alone, we had such a bad storm the whole park hit a power surge. I was with Belle and omg I was right next to her and ready to escort her out in like half a second.

Not sure why this week, but I have had a lot of actual physical interaction with Guests.

I already talked about the couple. The next day, i'm in the Mickey room and this little girl. Must og been like 3 or 4 and terrorfeid. She didn't want to see them. I'm use to that, and my main thing was to stop her mom from yanking her by her arm.

I got down to her level, and I told her she doesn't have to see Mickey if she doesn't want to. I was able to calm her down and ALMOST was able to get the sneak shot when her mom started tugging again.

I have to say that that little kid has a heck of a grip because she wouldn't let go of me!

I do really well with the littlekids. Anytime someone brings their baby, I get them laughingand giggling in like 4 seconds. Its so cute.

On the offtime I've been hanging out at home. I go out once in a while on my own.

Its something i'm use to. I am a lone ranger. I go out and I explore and for the most part I do it on my own. Im friendly with many people, but I don't mind not having friends. I get to sample so many people at work. Its what I always wanted. I see the world because the world comes to me.

I have laundry to do, will blog later

~Alyssa

A Boy and his Frog

2009-05-22T08:20:00.000-04:00

Oh fuck what a day

2009-05-21T21:23:00.002-04:00

So its 9:30 and im on break from Doctor Who....damnit that stuff is addicting like NO LIE.

I got seasons 1-4 and omg I love the doctor and Rose. Rose just...is so lucky. But i digress. I was watching Dr Who for so long last night that i forgot I had to get up at 5:30 to be to work by 7:30.

It was really weird because I went into instant REM and it was all about the doctor, and getting wisked away in his Tardis, but people kept getting on and annoying The doctor and ruining the whole thing, but it didn't matter. i was on this journey.

It was wonderful. Nothing holding me down...free. Like the doctor. Everything about the ninth and the tenth. Good to have a laugh at all of those advenures, seeing as I talk to everyone I meet. I ask them all 'where is your next adventure taking you' and only now do I wonder "Where is my next great adventure?"

~blink~ well enough daydreaming.

Ha ha ha, so....funny thing. I was talking to Poohbear during lunch and for the zillionth time I got the

"YOUR A CP?!" thing. Apparently, they think I'll be around forever lol. So we are having lunch (which is a rarity because I always eat alone. Im a solo act)

Well pooh sees my work ID and says "Oh. Your name is Alyssa? None of us ever knew."

Pooh, Tigger and I work very well together despite being in all the elements. I work extra hard out there to make sure that kids are happy, parents are happy, and most importantly that my characters are taken care of. It shows when you work hard for your character because they will work hard back and give you the most amazing pictures EVER.

I thought it was odd they never knew my name seeing as I wear a name tag. Of course, he continues with
"We always just call you Honey Ham."

I nearly spit my sprite through my nose.

Honey Ham was a mistake. One day I got very tounge tied in Poohs Playground. When mum and dad (don't knock on the british version of mum btw) finish their pics, I take mine. I have to make sure im loud so my characters know whats going on. Its never my camera either, it ALWAYS belings to the character. So in the PLayground its the 'Honey Cam'

.....Instert tounge twister.

"Okay Everyone, let's all look at the Honey Ham! (gasp) Pooh I didn't mean it."

But the damage had already been done..... >.< I forgot about PIGLET!

Of course, my attendant and i couldn't stop laughing to save ourselves.

So Im the Honey Ham/Cam....idk anymore.

Kinda tees me that I dont work with Pooh as much as Id like. I never get a choice during the day on where I go. REALLY COOL today though was I got to do a Magical Moment. Clear out of the blue though.

I picked up Liberty Square which meant I went up with the camera. Nice and good. I weaved the tunnles ducked under ducts and up through a trap door.

First thing I do is knock an idiot over who ignored the 'cast memners only sign....Moron.

I look around and BOOM! right in front of me? A live proposal. I've shot proposals before, but that was when I first started.

First though 'awww-omg, why is no one getting this?'

Next thought 'you got a FRIGGIN CAMERA AROUND YOUR NECK! YOU DO IT!'

So even though my data was wrong, I shot the proposal, tears and all. I was so excited I was able to arrive at the right time. I proceeded to talk to them and I took their generic celebration buttons and visityed my friends in the hair salon from HELL (Bibbidy) and got 2 Just engaged buttons. I stuffed them all in my pockets and made a magical switch......Jabbing my hand twice with the pin in the process. It was really great to make their day to the point the new bride to be hugged me! First time a guest ever hugged me....

Oh my god so many stories, little triumphs, things that just break your heart.....If only I had the time. Its 1am... I gotta go to bed. 11am-8p and I still gotta go to the bank!

today was 7:30a-6 p .......I was fully out on the bus.

oh well TTYL (lol I bet no one is reading this anymore.....stories to tell myself then)

~Alyssa

Huh? Oh hey! I forgot about this this!!

2009-05-20T08:19:00.003-04:00

I know....I know (slaps hand) I haven't worked on this like I promised I would.

It's been very busy these past months. I moved out of my apartment (looong story, will blog that one later)

and now im scrawling away during my breaks about what i need to do the moment I get home to finally get my dream off the ground.

Imagine, if you will....

hee hee, I love Twilight Zone.

I have layouts and format plans and all the guides for the paperwork i will need to grab one of the buildings in downtown (with the citys help of course) and turn it into a productive hub of artwork...

....plain and simple im opening a photo studio with an art gallery. Tadah!

As long as I can make it until August, I should be good. Its so odd though to be this far from home....more importantly this far from my camera equipment! ;__;

I couldn't possibly bring my bag of camera equipment so I left it home. v_v

I use a D70 Nikon everyday. Now before you go 'ooh' and 'aah' please realize this...

THEY ARE FUCKING CRAP!

i mean there not NEW D70s. No. These are D70s that are 4 years old. 4 years old taking about 1,000 pictures a day (yeah...I take like 500 pictures on a slow day, SLOW DAY!)

Heres the real kicker. we don't even have a contract with Nikon -I'm not sure if Ive said this already....-

So last night im in the Judges tent with Mickey and Minnie, and Mickey, being ever so bored with the lack of a line (Its raining and has been raining and -looks out the window- still raining)
Decides to jumprope with the queing rope.

I have to be quick with these pictures because if we have to stop the flow...it gets unhappy and then the characters stop helping you. That has already happened once to me with a friggin Diva princess who tried getting me in big trouble and claiming I called her a bitch onstage. (also another big story I will blog about later)

well....Camera decides its not having it. I go for the button and even though i am applying the right amount of pressure for the shutter....nothing. I keep trying and tryying until i get it. Now...Im angry. Someone decided to mash the button. You don't mash buttons. Its just no good.
And now a Word from Sonic the Hedgehog about properly using a camera!

Kids, everyone likes to have their picture taken

but if youshove your finger on the button like a whack-a-mole its not going to work

and thats NO GOOD!

So what do you do?

First, YOU STOP FUCKING DOING THAT
then, you say 'have a magicial freaking day'

(face plam)

I mean I like this job, but photography is really special to me, and the way they have me take pictures is...(sigh) I dont like it alot. I get in trouble anytime i introduce some creativity.

At times, i think they are just trying to kill me. They give me a bottle of water, a camera and tell me to shoot on tomorrowland bridge when its all sunny and 89 out.

There is no shade there, and i had NO ONE coming up for pictures (they gotta come to me, I dont go to them. Thats the premise of Photopass)

I took pity on the girl in the rosegarden because she had no water whatsoever, so even though I was suppose to be having my own water, I gave it to her.

Then the next day I passe dout at base from heat stress (HEAD DESK!)

So in short for now, because I gotta get to work: Nothing like I imagined. I like it and I dont, Guests are idiots.

ttyl

~Alyssa

Disney Days, Feb 26, 2009: Things look up

2009-02-26T00:21:00.003-05:00

Sorry I haven't been writing. Work is really crazy but fun. Everything is all settled. Mom sent down my wallet that was in some obscure purse (RWAR!)

Ive taken somee cool pics while ive been here, including alot that people buy to hang up at home which makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside. Melody and i are going to start a vlog called Vista Sistahs. Its going to chronicle our time down here. I also found cast Connection and we are now ankle deep in plushies and its so much fun.

Next week I start working in the Bibbidy Boobity Botique which is a small salon which is always busy then I do my character training.

Im a tad bit tired so im headed to bed. Best thing is I get 4 days off for Megacon YAAAAAY!!

Ttyl!
~Alyssa

Disney Days, Feb 7, 2009: The First Day and how Partners has failed me

2009-02-07T16:28:00.003-05:00

Well today was my first day and I was put in one of the craziest places EVER. the Partners statue just in front of the castle. People walking in front of me, strollers hitting me. Brazilians ignoring me. UUGH. Not to mention a few times my castle looked like the leaning tower of Disney. Got some cute shots, and by the end of the day some decent ones too. Went to cash my check, and seeing as my state I.D is M.I.A,Partners, A Disney exclusive Bank, can't open an account with me.

Uh.....wtf people? I used my County ID and Birth certif to get this far and even get my ciggies. I am fingerprinted with the company, Why wont you let me get my measly $30 from last week and let me get some bloody FOOD?!

Oh well, I'll try Wal-Mart then. If they dont give me an issue. I mean if I cant get my checks cashed, I dont know what I'll do.....

Will update later

~a.f

UPDATE

Yeah Walmart couldnt do Jack (let alone Jack in English) but my wallet has been found in some obscure purse I only used a few times to make mom happy

Disney Days, Feb 4, 2009

2009-02-04T07:14:00.002-05:00

Uh oh...... Dell, Once more you have a problem. I go to turn on the lappy today and its telling me that its on batery power. (Battery? wtf?)

So I checked, and the adapter pack blinks....Something tells me that isn't good.

Went to bed at around 10 last night. Aftr a hard days training, me and Melody watched (or tried annyway) Spirited Away. Bibi was making alot of noise on her phone and walking around which agitated me, but I got over it. I fell asleep at some point, i dont remember when. However, near the end of the movie, we turned it off and went to bed. I gotta get ready for work, it's gonna be chilly today!!

~Alyssa

Day 4: Oops.

2009-01-31T11:01:00.002-05:00

So I messed up. I thought my tour was at 9....seems it was at 7 so I will have to reschedule. Talked to cousins and parents and i was able to pull this cool photo from last night off the photopass and add a border.A fun story from last night:

After watching Wishes, the Magic Kingdom Fireworks show which was WOW!, A little girl was staring at the castle and going 'How'd they do that??'

I ask her mother how old she was. Her mother said she was 3. I looked over at the moon which had a star right under it.

I asked the little girl 'You see that star? Alot of wishes are born on stars. That star was the verrry first star to be wished on. and 30 years ago a man wished on that star and BOOM! All this happened. and every litle star and light are the baby wishing stars that all came from THAT one. And almost everynight it comes out to watch all of its children stars."

I was a bit smug at how I came up with that one.

Okay, a lil cleaning, lil nap, lil phone tag, then I will likely grab my pants.

Toodles
~a.f

Day 2....er 3: FIRE!

2009-01-31T00:36:00.002-05:00

This morning was HOT. Literally. I wanted to be nice to roomies and make them some toast....except we donthave a toaster so I put it in the broiler.......

....... Well. Theres a reason this is titled as it is.

First thing I tried to do: Blow it out..Nope.

Next? I panicked and looked for the fire extinguisher. Turned off the stove element. Yanked the pin and *insert noise here*

I freaked. Franticly grabbed my roommate and we turned on as many vents as we could. Called security. Told them the sitch, and were given a new F.E

Thing was: we were late and after we thanked them ran in the rain for the bus.

LET ME TELL YOU!

The security at Vista Way is soooooo awesome its unbelievable, so is Mait.

When we left (the other 2 roommates were still asleep tho lol), the breakfast I had out unfinished they set aside. They closed the bread, and the butter.

Note to self: Write thank you letter.

When I came home I spent an hour and a half cleaning up the residue.Ill wipe it again in a few days because we have an inspection coming up.

Had the place spreayed today too. It seems roly polies have been showingg up, so those two were uuber nice, and gave me pointers about like the sticky floor on the balcony and the oven. They joked when I told them about the F.E

"How did you use it if the pin is still there?"

At least now they know what a Fuck I was when running around.

I have some pics to upload later from my little excursion in M.K

I also went to Animal Kingdom Costuming to pick up my stuff early. I have to go to another costumng place in M.K (which *Gasp!* I will be at!) for my pants and bring a damaged shirt to

I have more stories but I hope I will have my webcam to do them with.

Toodles for now! Everyone is already in bed lol

~a.f

Greetings from Vista Way!

2009-01-28T22:27:00.002-05:00

Well Im here at Disney. Heres the whole story of Today:

Spent last night packing until I left. Seeing as the snow was starting to get bad, we left at 6am. It got so snowy, that US air changed my route to go to Philli instead of Charlotte. This was a VERY good thing, because the flight I would of taken was canceled. I was nervous taking off, and then had my fatigue and sudden altitutde change make me very very dizzy.

Getting into Philli was good. At least the next flight I took (whichI was boarded on in 20 min) didn't have to be de-iced. They had mixed freezing rain, but it didn't bother us. I had a window seat, but was moved to an aisle so i could be more comfortable. I must say US air is VERY nice to it's passengers!

When we broke away from the storm, the clouds were white and fluffy and the ground so beautiful!
Daytona Beach was soooo lovely!

SO I get on the ground and find out...my cigs were in my coat.....my coat I gave to my mother lol

I waited about an hour for my shuttle and soon I was at Vista and left my bags to check in. THey all thought I was an international student and asked for my visa lol. However, my ID looks like crap seeing as I was sweating like Hell.

I was given my room key, and found out that I am no longer paired up with my roommmate Ashley seeing as I was late. I am in the cheapest of all the apartments. A beautiful 3 bedroom in Vista. I met up with my first roomy, Melody, and she helped me with my bags. We share a bathroom, and her only peeve is to keep smelly shoes outside.

We are on the third floor.

I love how I went from freezing twice to sweating lol. I took my shower and Im ready for bed. I have Welcoming at 7am so toodles.

Will blog later.
~a,f

Promises mean nothing when it comes to Money.

2009-01-27T00:18:00.002-05:00

I have $22 total when I land in Florida in 2 days.

Why is that? hmm.....

I was promised (which is now my fault cuz I didnt read the whole thing right) $10 for 8 hours work -b.s i know-

I was suppose to be given money by my aunt, that never happened. I was told that I was being taken out as a last horrah....uh, no. Expensive sushi place and I had to pay for myself.

This is going to be interesting. I already have a wonderful urge to hang myself. I want cigs but I cant spend another $6 on them because I need the money for when I land....

Fucking Hell!

Clean people suck.

2009-01-19T22:27:00.002-05:00

Its no surprise to anyone that I'm not a very neat person. My room is a very big example of that. I don't like a clean room because of one very important thing: It encourages people who should not be in there to be there. You never see a person going into a messy room right? Only clean ones where things can easily be taken.

My room is my sanctuary and in a couple days they not only threw away alot of semi sentimental stuff but also took my bed and my desk and replaced it with some monster bed and my older sisters tall boy.

I was hoping they would of done this when I left. I didn't want to have to put most of my lifes possessions in bins and hide them in my closet.

I hate it. It makes me wish I were dead because thats how they are treating it. Not to mention I'm the bad guy for letting it be a mess to begin with (HELLO! DIDN'T WANT ANYONE IN MY ROOM!)

Spending the last week quietly making sure everything is ready. I tried to get ahold of a few of my friends to see if I could hang out with them for a little while before I go, but none of them answered my messages. Oh well.

Oh well...~a.f

Sorry.....right number.

2009-01-13T17:15:00.002-05:00

"The flight of Magorium"
I was going through the answering machine and found a message for my father from an older woman.

"This is Sylvia. Im not sure if this is the right number but im looking for Peters mother. I tried calling his sister, but a man started yelling at me that it wasn't the right number. I'm looking for Madeline (my grandmother), I haven't heard from her and I'm worried sick. If this is the right number, please call me back."

I kinda froze. This was one of my grandmothers good friends, and somehow she wasn't told about my Grandmothers passing in October. How awful can it be to know someone you cared about died, and never be told about it?

There are those moments in your life that never leave you. Images, sounds, smells.

They replay in your mind and all I can remember of my grandmother was her cooking the awful liver, and trying to get me to eat some. I proceeded to turn up my nose at the smell and tell her I was full or later on be truth and tell her that liver isnt really something I liked.

Or how she wouldn't take no for anything. If she wanted something, she did it! (wonder where I get it from? lol)

Her soft hands and passionate, yet shaky kisses on the cheek and her laugh that would of put Santa to shame. I loved my grandmother, not saying that she didn't do things I hated like selling the summer home I and my father knew for so very long.

I remember being a little child and that camp was enormous to me. In her room, a picture of Elvis on the blue walls. The lounger that was in the back went with her to PA.

The most vivd memory I will ever have of her is the lone casket in the cemetary while everyone else was leaving. I didn't want to go. I didn't want to move. One of the only people who connected me to my fathers side was gone. From the vauge memories of the house in Schenetady to all the memories at the camp and even her 10 years in Exton. I wanted to be closer to her. TO know more about her, but my pride and cowardiace got the better of me. She didn't like change about as much as I don't. We bought her a cordless phone, but she stilled used her own. And everytime I went past it, I noticed the photograph behind it. It was one my father must of taken when I was six and still in elementary school. It speaks alot about my nature and who I am. While everyone else was acting foolish for the camera, I had my head on my lunchbox, a thoughful but shy smile as looked ahead.

I don't rmember that picture being taken, just as I don't hardly remember half of the people in it.

I know she worked for G.E and married my grandfather, who died 3 months after I was born. He was in the military I think. They divorced. I don't know why. I always knew Charlie, my grandmothers companion. He was a nice man, but drank. When he died, that was one of the reasons she left South Ave. I wished she didn't leave. If she could of stayed closer to us, I could of still been closer to her, and maybe discover more about my past.

But I realize not everything can live forever. Even a tough Itiallian woman from Utica has to move on to bigger and better things.

I offer two songs. One for the mood I am feeling at this point in time, which was placed at the beginning of the post. It is the mourning I have in my heart which I know will some day be lifted by other events. and another that I always will remember my grandmother by. Wether working in her garden or playing with her canary. I can see her or my father playing this on the record player or the radio in the 60s. It's so beautiful. Possibly dancing with my grandfather.... I'll never know until I can ask her myself it seems. I have the most adorable Irish grandmother and I had a wonderful Itiallian mother.

Sleeping...it's getting weirder and weirder to do.

2009-01-13T13:00:00.004-05:00

I went to go walk the dog last night about 9. Go to the back room to put on my shoes, and it so happens that Sean and Ryan are playing Guitar Hero. I'm watching and watching (because I suck at the game myself), and next thing I know, im out like a light and sean is waking me up the next morning. ARRUGH! Rhythmic colors!

My own fault though. Im not only gullible but suggestible. Going into trance is almost too easy.

I had a string of odd dreams though. Most were interconnected.

Im with my Maginn buddies. Sou, Alex, Maria, Dawn and Sou Peng (sous little cousin) at this resturant in albany. I didnt really wanna be there because I promised my neighbor Id go to Red Lobster with her. I grab the 24 and get out of there when the owner (Sous father) says the meal is free and etc -something his dad would likely never do- Anyhoo I end up at Disney
Two lions being loose at Disney. Although Disney looked like RPI and to go into this one thing cost $1.50. The Lions were cartoon or like animatronic yarn based. they freaked me out and i ran into the hall as they got into the Auditorium of people. In the hall. Graduation Minnie is posing for a picture with a girl wearing the tassle cap.

I asked a girl if shes graduating, she said yes. I told her how Im arriving on Tuesday. She said oday was sunday, and I suddenly was upset. I had missed Genericon, and would have to leave that day.

I start making my way home, when my neighbor asks me to escort her and the dog home. Shes in the market scooter.

Alot of times, roads and skylines in my dreams continue. Some roads I was taking her over I remember form other dreams. I get her to East street, which looked like Rensslear.

I blank, unsure of where to go. I go up east street and realize Im closer to RPI again, and my grandmothers house. I ask my neighbor if she knows her way after my grand mums. She said yes, and it seems she was around the corner from her apartment. The building looked like the one across the street from her present apartment. She gets in, and I begin to make my way home.

How is it I have such odd dreams? I realized halfway when I was on the 24 that it shouldn't of even been running because it was suppose to be a sunday.

Oh well.

Might blog later.

~a.f

Me so tired..

2009-01-12T01:03:00.002-05:00

I just got out of a nice hot bath, and feel so weary that i could melt into bed. Theres alot on my mind. Thinking about dear friends, day dreaming about the 'what if''s ' in life.Im so relaxed that im afraid I might plop over in any moment. My heart still seems...empty.

-O_O!

I just freaked myself out...well maybe my head just played tricks on me or im really tired, but I started drifting into the euphoric relaxed feeling when I hear plain as day in my ear Josh calling my name, like in conversation. Maybe part of my brain was remembering how I would just sit there, stare at him and let him spill it all out. What he wanted, what felt good for him. I always listened, but I never really heard the words. Thats odd, yes. I would hear him and think about how to help him, but the moment that information was no longer nessessary, it was kinda locked into my memory for storage.

I miss talking to him. I stopped having time, and felt after awhile, I was intruding on his space. I read his blog to continue to try and listen,

I was flipping channles and saw Moulin Rouge. I can see why its a hard one to watch. Twice I changed the station because I couldnt take seeing Christian and Setine because I would more deeply understand different meanings for the show.

I love my friends..I always want to see if there is anything I can do to make ethem happy

Im slipping into Slumberland. Sorry if the grammar sucks. Ill fix it later

~a.f

o_O? ¿Como de homo?

2009-01-10T19:04:00.003-05:00

So I had to GO to the store (inside joke), even though I really didnt want to.

I didnt get dressed or do anything with my hair. I figured, ''its the store, fuck it''

So I went in my coat, with the hood of my gray sweatshirt up and pastel pink pants that were just short enough to show I wasnt wearing any socks with my CrocSlippers.

I trudged along doing the menial tasks I was asked. We got to the Deli counter and she is blabbering away about her gloves when this guy, perhaps my age or younger, says "Hi."

I dont think I knew him, I didnt recognize him. So I said Hello back. Meanwhile, motor mouth is still going on about her gloves, apparently talking to me.

So im talking to two people and I give him this look like 'heh, sry, shes a pain'

We go to leave and he said have a good night and i exchanged it back, but WOAH.

.....Freakin, of all nights not to look decent lol

Blog later

~a.f

Flash Game Review: Family Flights

2009-01-09T18:49:00.001-05:00

Friday Flash game Review! This week is Family Flights Game

Family Flights is the Story of a brother and sister who work to try and save their parents airline when the parents disappear. Its kinda like Diner Dash where you wait on people. Its a little slow at times, and people start going at once, it gets nuts, but its also pretty fun too. You push around a cart that can hold 4 items at once to passengers. Along the way, some levels will have no lights where the cursor works as a flashlight, or turbulance where you gotta give some people a barf bag...or clean up the vomit. You can download or buy a full version. The online version only gives you one world.
Hmm..
Perhaps Ill post more flash Games I like on here
Play Family Flights

Falling Apart.

2009-01-08T21:51:00.002-05:00

I don't know how much more I can do. Im gonna snap, scream. I thought everything was okay, that it would all be smooth and at least people could have heir space. But suddenly people in our enviorments just invaded like the Vietkong. There are no answers. nothing to figure out.

I feel worthless if I'm not helping someone else. I dont want to go back to how it was, but I realize I have no more control over my life. It frightens me to be at fates will.

Im suppose to be happy, but it seems conditional. I have to have my room fully cleaned out by next week. My sancturary is going to be defiled. Invaded, and I can't stop them. Meanwhile, I am beginning to regret every move I make. I deleted another blog, because I felt it was responsible for some drama.

I messed up, and I dont think I can ever fix it. I must of done something wrong.

Its so upsetting to see everything you tried to handle with care shatter. Friendships, relationshipss with anyone are so fragile and beautiful that we take them for granted.

Everything I saw as a child....I never thought it would end like this. I always thought there would be more sunny days, more friends to talk to.... I cant say anything that wont incriminate myself. I never thought that I was the biggest bad guy. I feel dead inside. Snapped like the branches against the winds, and left to die in a field. Been snapped at, bullied, and neglected by every thing i held dear. My siblings snap at me, my family bullies (rather pressures) and the only thing I can come up with is that its my fault. Its an excuse and who I am is no ones fault but my own. Not the way i was raised, not my enviorment, not my lack of friends.

I don't want to give up, but I cant sit up at night alone because I am waiting for a friend to message me or email me back. They have their own lives. Lives I cannot interfere with anymore.I just dont know what to do to help anymore. I was always the second or third...or last choice in everything I did. Now its just time to stop kidding myself and bow out for good.

I'll update later.

~a.f

[^o^]....rawr

2009-01-07T21:41:00.005-05:00

my sleeping is all mucked up.

CORRECTION.

Everything is mucked up right now.

Im going to sleep at 9am and getting up at 2pm

Been cleaning my stuff. Tried to scrub my white tennis sneakers. Got annoyed with the vinegar and window cleaner and the intense scrubbing that i tossed them in the machine. I realize I will likely need a new pair. Disney don't like no dingy tennis sneakers you wore for 2 seasons straight.

Theres other stuff I've wanted to do, but the weather makes stuff like that impossible. I need to shut up one day and just get in the car or on the bus because I have this photoshoot, and I dont want to push it back 7 months.

My last function in NY will be Genericon. Likely will leave Sunday morning

I want to see everyone before I go if I can. My timidness is keeping me from being friendly.

I found a song I remember so vividly in my mind from the last summer with Mary Kate. It was the same summer I founf subbed anime on Limewire. I was 14. It's interesting the smells and soungs that remind me of that summer. I didn't know how important and perfect It was going to be.

Sadly, Sony wont let me use the original video so I had to do next best thing, an AMV. I dont care about the video, its the music I love.

Will update later.

lol it seems my roommate is bringing her own dishes because she has issues with people using plates before us....uh, its called steam clean? Maybe shes OCD like Monk and brings her own dish to a resturant lol

Adventures in Cleaning

2009-01-06T01:47:00.002-05:00

Everyone has been cleaning lately in my house. I'm taking the clothes I want to bring to disney out of their summer bins and washing the dust and ding they have collected (really it's good measure), and then packing them into my luggage. Mind you, I won't need alot of regular clothes because I will likely be working alot, but it doesn't hurt to have a wardrobe on hand just in case.

The scarier part is actually cleaning my room. lol

I seem to be a bit of a pack rat, but I've found some neat stuff including pictures from my very first anime convention and my very first cosplay as Pan from dragonball GT. (yes I know that series sucked but I loved how simple Pan's putfit was lol)

The same issue has arose though. Whenever I start doing a deep clean on my room, I start sneezing like crazy. Maybe I'm allergic to cleaning? hee hee hee.....

But my story is nothing compared to my little brother. He and his girlfriend decided to clean the bathroom and bleach it. Not only did he ruin one of the brand new t-shirts I gave him, he mixed ammonia and bleach (I KID YOU NOT!)

Whatever he put it in melted and got on the carpet. Genius then tried to sop it up with one of the good towels. Now.....afterwards, no one could understand why large chunks of the rug were missing. It was melted away, and it ended up on the towel which, after 4 washes, will never be the same.

I don't like to clean my room if I don't have to. My room, my sanctuary, and I don't like to disturb it....Mind you, it IS a freaking mess. ^__^;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

One small bag is almost filled with my casual pants (some long, some short)

More jeans are in the dryer, and shirts are in the washing machine.

3 weeks. I will likely be leaving sunday. I plan to be going to Genericon though.

More updates later. The dryer dinged lol

~a.f

Systematic Downsizing.

2009-01-05T00:14:00.004-05:00

Don't you love it when people make plans behind your back and never tell you about it?

Case in point of what I seem to have found out by my little sister instead of my parents.

My little sister is very bossy, and everything will be her way and catered to her.../sigh.

It would seem after I return from Disney, I'm being kicked out of my house.

Her boyfriend is moving in. His roommate has fucked him over on his rent for too long. He is going to be taking my little sisters room. Little sis will be taking Mary Kates room, and the items such as the bed in Mary Kates room will be moved to mine to become a guest bedroom.

I quickly pointed out the one little detail they forgot: What about me?

"Oh, well it will be summer. You can sleep in the pool house if you have to. I would."

-grumbles about 'well why don't you Chosen child?'-

I talked to my little sister about possibly moving in with my grand parents and taking care of them:
"I think they're moving in here too."

S-so what? I'm compleatly fucked? They think I'm going to be making alot of money with Disney, but I'm not. I don't know what I will do. I knew they were growing les fond of me, but I didn't know that they were going to systematicly bully me out. The whole situation makes me wonder if they just stopped caring.

Out with the old, in with the new.

So, I guess while I'm in Orlando, I will try to secure a new job by the time I come back and an apartment. At least I know this will make them at least a little happier. This might be reprocussion for trying to keep my roommate from getting kicked out. (shrug)

I'll find a way, I'm sure. Perhaps in 7 months, they will change their minds?

I have 3 weeks...I have to get my things in order. I will likely have to put everything in boxes so they can get rid of them/me faster.

I have to wonder though, what did I do? Was I not nice enough? Did I lose my temper too much?

I guess this is just rewards.

Will blog later. I'm headed to Maginn tomorrow. I ran into one of my old teachers and I was planning on such anyway.
-20 min later-

So I decided to confront my mother about what the hell is going on. She fucking LAUGHED. Said that i'm not being kicked out, and no wonder I have a complex. No shit I have a complex! Im being told that after my internship I wont return to a home! She said if anything happened, I could have the attic. The wonderful attic filed with dust and low ass roofs and a ity bity tiny window and the possibility of not even getting up there if someone needs the ladder. OMFG my family has the best sense of humor right?

My little sister did all of this. Fucked my head up into thinking that everything is slipping away. What the hell did I do to her? I never got away with as much as she is. I have strived for everyones justice and fairness but where is mine?

Worse part is that now it's in my parents minds to kick me out which they have begun to use against me as they laugh. THATS NOT FUCKUNG FUNNY! I don't want to think that after finally getting my head back that I wont be welcomed in my own home.

How can people be so sneaky and cruel and sick?
~a.f

Its another one of those nights...I wonder when day will break.

2009-01-03T04:10:00.002-05:00

After freaking out over my internship I emailed Sim and explained everything. Hudson Valley wouldn't let me go this far and then hit me in the head would they?

Anyway, I went onto Facebook to see if one of my friends was still going. I see Rachel and her updated staus message on her grades. Of course she is going to have alot of friends comment about it too.

That moment in time I felt most alone. I had no one to talk to who actually cared. I wanted to be a good person, and all it got me was an internship in the air about to smash like ribbon candy.

I looked and found everyone from the old class..... and realized I was never ready for change. But the problem is, I cant control it. I see all the people I helped in my life, wether cheering them up, giving them support, or helping them through what we thought was the end of the world. I see how happy they are, so Sucessful.

Why did I fuck it all up?

I could of been a better person, but I gave it all up for what? FOR FUCKING WHAT?!!!

for other people to just glide through while you sit in the nosebleeds? For no one to recignize you when they are famous or successful?

To always be made fun of....wether or not I was in school. I helped EVERYONE, and all I got was pain....and a destroyed future.

I miss it all...my school, my few friends, her....because I had a life then. It was a happy life. Im standing...at the point of utter collapse because i know if I lose this.....it's all over. Everything rides with Disney.

If I should die....I want to go back to that morning....to that hallway...to poke my head down the corridor....to make sure she was there. She was always there.... but like everything else in this cursed life. I got use to her being there, and the moment I think everything is going to be fine...it gets destroyed.

Not in my hevan. In my hevan, I'm back in the halls of Bishop Maginn, back where my family, my WHOLE family of students, faculty, friends are there.

I want the pain to stop. I cant ignore it anymore, and its only going to get worse.

I stand at the point of oblivion, and I dont know how this is going to end.

(stares blankly....unable to string any other words together to express the feelings still left)

Waking up from the Dream

2009-01-03T01:24:00.002-05:00

I may of done it again.... Set myself up that is.

The letter I was sure was coming came. Academic suspension.....again. Its not that i'm not smart (then again...that might be it exactly) but I hate parts of HVCC with a passion. Teachers, classes. But instead of pulling myself out of the class and risking going part time and dealing with an angry family, I never showed up. Now I pay the price for it. I was set, all set. I will be the biggest dissapointment not only to myself but to anyone who knows me. They all told me, but I didnt listen. This isnt pity...inside im ripping myself apart for the absolute failure I let myself become. There is no one to blame but me, and no one to help me when I fall. But even now, when I know I am in it so deep, do you know what I think about? A friend who needs help and support.

If I lose this internship.... I don't know what I will do. The first time this happened I went into a very deep depression, but I was lucky enough to have friend(s) by my side. After preparing for everything, if what Ive poured my heart and soul into vanishes... I don't know but it wont be pretty. heh, I say that like im threatening to break a chair. Thing is, if my parents find out, they will give up. I will be kicked out, and then a new issue shall arise...rather many will.

I have this awful feeling though that I have to do this alone. So ye of little people whom read this blog, your comments are nice and help me out. However, no matter what you write, the truth will still be there and no amount of kind words can change that I neglected everything, that now I have secrets that could change my life. What will happen when it comes to be Jan 28th and my parents want to drop me off at Disney?

Leo the Lion slips back into his cage, hoping that one day the bars will melt into his freedom.

What did he say?

2009-01-02T02:52:00.003-05:00

Forgive me. I have to add a few Lines because the text is spilling out of the margins

So as of late, I have been watching V for Vendetta. Amazing movie that forces you to think. However, there are a few of Vs speeches that unless you have a keen ear, pass you by without their meaning ever sinking in. Someone did the hardest task in the first one, where V introduces himself and I must say I laughed heartily at it.

After seeing that, I knew there needed to be a squeal.

I connect at times with Evey. At first she just wants to stay low because she was hurt in the past. However fate wont let her and she teams up with a person who at first facinates her. She hates him alot at times, but still tries to be his friend. Sadly, she runs, unable to join him fully. V then takes her and forces her to become the person she wanted to be and she falls in love. sadly she realizes he will never have her.

Meanwhile, I am here. I forget that at times. Its 3am...It might be time for me to lay down..

So tired....Happy new year BTW

2009-01-01T02:52:00.002-05:00

i wrote a really neat review of Flavours butt ive kinda crashed right now and want sleep. Today was kinda rocky. i had to chase sandys(my neighbor) dog, coffee around. After trying to clear the windsheild I put him in. its got those double doors so when I tried getting out the other side ,he followed. Now both doors are open and i put him back in....He goes out the other side into a large snow bank i wanted to avoid. now im coldm, wet, and wanna get going. I drag him around (forgetting the door) and put him in....Basard did the same god damn thing again! In hein sight it was funny for its Benny Hill styling. Its very cold, and all I can think about is Disney. My job, my equipment, how what when. its coming up so fast.

Spent the new year pretending to be happy with my family. I dont know who i am...I wonder when i will.

3am....time for bed...

kinda wish I had someone I liiked next to me .__. Maybe next year. Or the year after that.

Guess what is a bad idea? CRAIGSLIST

2008-12-30T01:35:00.003-05:00

@__@ I thought I would do it as a social experiment. What would happen if I posted on craigslist.

Holy crap. DO NOT WANT!

Within 2 min I had 20 emails, all of them perverts. Actually not all of them. A few are actually nice.

So why did I decide to do it? I was frustrated sexually and figured 'oh why not? lets see what happens'

I figured maybe I'll find some fun

What I found was all the dirty horny guys in albany -__-

I mean, yes, im nervous about sex, but im 20 for christ sake! I mean....I should be comfortable with who I am, not posting some weird stuff. Its not that im looking for any guy. I'm trying to find someone who can capture my attention, and will it towards any subject. To be so absorbed into who i am talking to.... Seems like a fantasy I cant capture.

Oh well, tonight wasnt a compleate failure.

Gonna try and sleep, ttyl

~a.f

ARRRRUGH!!!

2008-12-29T14:18:00.005-05:00

Okay, first thing is first. For those of you from the Ning, welcome, be careful I am about to get VERY angry.

Second off, This is my blog. MY BLOG. A place for me to express my feelings, cry, scream (as I am doing right now) Or whatever else the fuck I feel like doing! Now I don't Appreciate those of you who have been taking my blog seriously. I mean yes, Im expressing myself but im not going to seriously hurt myself or some crap like that. That is stupid.

HOWEVER, now those of you who have been interacting on my blog have now created a hostile environment for me at home. Now....when Squally gets fucked at home for her words...Squally gets pissed and clamps down on who can say or see what goes on in her life. We understand?

You see, I just got yelled at Because things that I write in confidence Here have bridged into the "Real World"

My family does not have the URL to this blog, which has been a godsent for me, however people have been talking to them and guess whos first to get bitched at for it?

NOTHING I WRITE HERE
SHOULD HAVE TO BITE ME IN THE ASS!!!

...And people wonder why I suspended the blog.

If I must, I will change it. I won't let my expressions threaten who I am. I will just hide them away from people who hurt me, wether or not they mean it. I am not a pawn in anyone's game, but rather I am an explorer of my own life and part of that life is my emotions.

Way to go, fucking up my day.

~Alyssa

Sadness creeps...and I cannot fight it

2008-12-28T03:51:00.004-05:00

All I see is the sunshine, the balcony, the laughter, the warmth...and I cant stop crying.

I never really talked about the subject, because I didn't want this to happen. Now I am alone in my room at 4am, crying.

Crying over Rachel.

I...She was the reson I had hope again. She kept me from giving up on everything.

I remember ohw we met..kinda. I made a fool of myself the first day of Parrs Drawing I class. I don't know what she thought of me that first day. I avoided her alot, because looked strikingly like another person i knew and feared. As time progressed, I began to talk to a Punk style girl named Madison, and continued my stretched friendship with a guy named Zach.

God I can't even remember how we began talking to eachother. I guess the inital moment in time doesn't matter does it? Madison and Rachel started me on finally taking the bus to and from school. Sure, I was nervous, but Rachel showed me where to catch my bus before walking to Josh's parents place. Mind you, 3 seconds later I almost got myself run over by the 80....god I was so stupid back then..

This all started over the song we heard in the studio. The song that always reminded me of her....

...Samson.

I spent so much time with her. Learned who she was. I had to know if she was real or just a figment of my desperate imagination. I still remember sitting in her kitchen, fiddling with her laptop with this song playing while the door was open and she was cleaning her room (seemed like she was always cleaning that room)

Or the night before NYC where I slept at the foot of her bed like a guard dog.

Even the first time I was allowed upstairs, sitting in her rocking chair, sipping tea while she worked on 2D.

I barely knew her a year. It would of been a year in August. Shows that I can't keep anything nice.

But how? How could I get so involved, so attached to her so quickly?

She was my Best Friend, and I couldn't say good bye. I never get to say goodbye.

Even now, im trying to push another very good and kind friend away because I know where he is now is not where he should be. He has to find a better place, but I realize I have to let go again, and after losing Rachel, after losing so many people who I loved in my life...Ill be totally alone, like I am right now.

She had no idea how much she affected people. How much people truly loved her, and I don't know if she ever will.

They all move on. I see it so many times. They will likely never remember the name, or the face of the person who was obessed with some japanese director, who fell asleep at their easel.

Who looked at everyone else with dismay, knowing that she could never fit in properly. Who always questioned wether or not she should be an artist.

Who questions if she should still be alive.

They are happier only knowing me for the time they did and allowing me to fade away into memory. I can't keep people forever, even if mine heart doth protest.

Good night
~Alyssa

What is normal?

2008-12-27T17:31:00.003-05:00

I have been reading stuff from other people. Watching videos, and looking at the twitter on various people and how their lives are. I am not trying to compare my life to theirs, but try to understand and the commonality over what is "Normal" or abnormal for that.

One person felt that Christmas was fine. Spent time with family and etc (the Commercial Christmas Card Day)

Another's was awful in their opinion. No matter how much they wanted to have a good day, the emotional needs of the people around them refused to let them do such (Blue Christmas)

The third......o-Oh... Well The Third is Jewish so they wont help much in this psychological study.

Please note, this is only examining one day. not past, not present, but Christmas itself and my search for a normal style of Christmas, seeing as my was non existent basically.

So, one would assume that no matter how much you fair during the year, that Christmas should be a day where you put all hardships aside and celebrate being with people you like or even love.

No one should be forced into any emotion it is noted though, wether forced to be happy or sad despite their own wishes.

If I may, Im going to stop consciously typing this in a way that people wont find offensive and go by instinct and what my mind really can see. its in images and color and feeling.....

In each hand a figure. Both worn, battered and chipped with the age of time. On the left. Cracks and chips painted over with department store paint, with a bland smile, and dark eyes. In the right hand, a chipped peice, a feeble smile, and sad eyes trying to repair its own cracks.

the left looks fine, but not quite reasonable yet. a few touches, the sudden paint job needing to be understood and it should begin to level off

the right needs help to patch up and clean off. Like that precious ornament you had and took care of for a very long time. It just needs some TLC.

Perhaps both do...

Being alone in boxes, pulled out only when someone wants to feel their warmth..... but be heart breaking.

I treasure both.

I made no sense did I? I'm sorry, the visions i see don't usually translate well.

To both the left and right. Both know who you are likely. I wish your Christmases could of been something else that you would of liked and made to cherish.

I'll see what I can do to make it up for the both of you.

~a.f

Marking up the past year..

2008-12-27T01:43:00.003-05:00

So I was reading Lisa Murray's blog, which I happen to stumble upon via my twitter.

Awesome person http://lisamurray.com/(click that! CLIK NAO! lol)

and she put out "Homework" Of two lists and I hope everyone who reads this makes their own.

Top 10 things that rocked in 08 and top 10 Things you want to accomplish in 2009

So here is mine

Top 10 that rocked in 08

- I kissed a girl (...Not sure if i liked it though..)

- Played W.o.W (Totally like that!!)

- Shared my true feelings with the world and people I cared about

- I finished a full semester at HVCC

- I won an artist award (I was not expecting that!)

- I started on Lolcats

- Began to go deeper in my photography work (thanks to Ryan)

- Expressed myself in this blog

- Realized how much I have matured in the span of a year

top 10 I hope to accomplish

- my screen play for Matsuboko

- go more freelance in my photo work

- Get the most out of my Disney internship

- Find a person who I can relax and be myself with for real

- Learn to drive

- Get a cheap car or Vespa

- Continue to carve my own path in the arts, rather than the degree course they want

- Begin to vlog

- Possibly move out of my parents home.

Whats yours? put in comments or even make it on your own blog

Merry Christmas? I have yet to start lol

2008-12-26T01:16:00.002-05:00

Oh god I am so tired.

My christmas doesn't last one day because I work like hell up to the min that if it were to only occur on one day, I would miss it all. For now I am going to write every thought that comes to my head. Forgive me if it isn't very cohesive.

So right now I am relaxing and listening to my Christmas music. The new stuff isn't very good. I was working with Eric and he bashed the Christmas song that came on the radio, which kind of upset me a bit. He judged it without listening to it at all. Now, I could listen to select Xmas songs because I can begin to take the music, the vocals, and the words and feel them all work as one to give a message. The new music, like I was subjected to when I was working at KB, has no heart to it. They covered a song that once had great meaning so they could peddle a CD and make money.

I guess the message in music is a reason why I adore folk artists like John Denver, which is who I am listening to now. The Peace Carol to be exact. He loved working with the muppets and knew how to embrace their pure essence. It's actually hard for me to explain because I begin to think about it, and my heart swells in the adoration that Denver and Henson had in their work. I look up to those guys when I'm working on my photography or writing and sketching my thoughts because they inspired me to no end.

So. My Christmas.... Well I got little sleep on the 23rd because I thought I was going to have to grab the 6am bus to get to Wilton by 10am. So at 4 I fell asleep. Woke up at 7, and my father actually drove me in. I was 30 min late because the roads were so god awful and people in Clifton Park are disturbed when it comes to driving.

So 11-7 basicly I was at KB and the rest of the evening could not get the sound of the cash register out of my head. Eric was uuber awesome and bought us Pizza, and I made it though the day, even though I was exausted. The store was bare of items. Everything was marked down and basicly gone. I told people who asked me about the companies close that 'We finally got bored after 82 years"

Eric really wanted me to go to a family party with him, but it was Christmas Eve. I really wanted to spend it with my own family. Plus it was my little brothers birthday. He kept sneaking kisses which I liked and didn't like at the same time. I'm just very open right now. I am just trying to keep myself from getting hurt I guess. However, in trying to keep from getting hurt, I guess I could be keeping myself from living as well.

Anyway, I get home and eat the traditional Eve dinner of anchovies in dough, talpia, shrimp, and pasta in a clamari sauce. Hee hee, think im Itallian much?

So Eric walks in while I'm eating, and I did the mist boneheaded thing. Right while im shovling food in my face (because at that point I was VERY hungry), seeing him in my perferial vision startled me and I shot my head up....like half of the pasta sticking out.

>< smoooth.

He said he didnt have a chance to hug me proper and proceeded to hug not only me but katrina, and my nephew Ronan in a huge group hug. I of course got smothered in his ginormous arm.

Watched my little sister on TV singing in Melodies of Christmas. The VCR kept pissing me off because the picture quality was grainy as hell. I stayed up and started cleaning around the tree (which was measured at 12f 6in with a 7ft diameter)

I put up the important ornaments that were left out after the fiasco I mentioned in a prior post. My parents Wedding ball, Mary kates Ballerina and Ballet shoes, and my personal fav, the litte drum I made in art enrichment when I was like 9 out of a tuna can, ribbon and toothpicks.....Sounds like a Magiver Christmas Special waiting to happen.

I was a little peturbed that I couldnt take out my Lionel trains. One thing I always look forward to is my trains. They make my Christmas whole because as a very little girl I remember going to my grandmothers(Rest her) On South Street. My father told me the key to Lionels is to lay on your stomach with your head on the floor and watch the train. I did so,and its effect was so magical that I would pout for years at Christmas when our transformer for the trains vanished with one of the trains. Two years ago, I got fed up, and went online to find a transformer and ended up with a new train and more track and two replica trains of the ones my father lost when his house burned down.

I cleaned upwards until 4am and laid on the floor, falling asleep when my mother walks in and asks me to help her wrap her gifts. Mind you, I told her to wrap weeks ago. I was cranky and a zombie so I think I may of told her off and went to bed hee hee hee.

Next thing I know, my door is being pounded on and Sean is telling me to wake up, its christmas. Sean is my little sisters b/f, and I was ready to rip his head off because they went to bed early....bastards. I go to collect the gifts to hand out when I see Kelly's is missing. I groaned and proceeded out,knowing that If I were to dwell on finding the one, I would never locate it. If I tell myself it's okay, it will show up.

So far I only opened up one or twi gifts because I kept myself busy with giving out my gifts and cooking breakfast and taking another nap. I promised my parents I would attend evening mass with them back in Schenectady. I use to live in Schenectady, a couple blocks from St Johns church. I have some faded memories of living on South Street as a baby. Mind you, we moved to Troy when I was about 6 months or so but I do remember Mom in her red star Pajamas while I was in the hottub with daddy in a rigging of those fisher price swings that look like a plastic butt cast that only allowed the water to submerge my legs and nothing else. My father is an amazing man who made everything look so beautiful. I hope one day to Own that house on South ave. Its beauty is just on levels that no man could ever know. the stairs, the halls, the parlor, the bar, the rooms...just beautiful.

Its surpising that this post is full of hope and love and not of self loathing like my previous ones. I read My friend, Josh's post, and I guess it was a little kicker to maybe share the things in my life that I remember that made my childhood so special. Mind you, im still trying to find out where I went askew into the depressed, self loating creaton I am today.

MMmm, Im so tired its almost funny. Been having fun with my black shaul. Mom keeps trying to take it on me. It was a fluke I even have been wearing it. I found it in my closet and put off wearing it because it didnt go with anything and seemed like it wouldnt be warm enough. I began wearing my festive clothes including a skirt I couldnt resist lol, and its surprisingly warm! So when Im going out Ive often ditched my brown fuzzy coat that goes with my brown hat for this shaul, which has been awesome doubling as a blanket. Only downside is it what I am wearing is not dark, it will shed all over them.

Well, its 2:22 am. I should get some well needed sleep. All day Ive had repeating time, and more amazing. I was walking the dog and the stars were alligned in a huge '7' so I guess running ragged gave me some healing. Not peaceful contenment which I see and feel as mulberry red, but healing with strong laughter and smiles in the face of hard times, which is a baby blue and white in my mental aura classification. Many moods I can pinpoint in color. Perhpas in a later post I will talk about which emotions I feel envoke which colors.

Until then, Merry Christmas

~Alyssa Ann

^__^

2008-12-24T01:27:00.002-05:00

"Of course they're Pirates! They've got a flag with a Skull!"

2008-12-23T20:24:00.002-05:00

Oh how I loathe my little brother. Okay, it's not just him. There are times I hate everyone, but him I rarely like.

Right now I am filled with so much anger I am about to explode, but its worse because Im trying to calm myself down too. I finish up the laundry room and procede to unwrap Christmas balls, something I asked him to do at 2p. I had the ladder set up and get proceede to straddle it, trying not to freak out at the fact i was Ten feet in the air with nothing but a bunch of branches to save me if I teeter the wrong way. Now for being a massive tree, there were a hell of alot more ornaments, and he only would give me the tiny mass produced ones that didn't mean anything. I asked him 2 things : Get hooks on them and stop giving me the generic balls.

His response? A string of foul words about my sexuality in question and handing me another ball.

Now, I don't always try to be a bitch but when you hate heights, have A Christmas Story being blasted at you which is very painful when one has sensative ears (it developed when I was deaf as a child. That is a weird story there)

It all came to a head when I asked for a ball, and heard the delicate tinkle of broken shards.

"Noo." I thought to myself "Mom told me not to break any of them, what did he do?"

I asked to see it. He and his cronie girlfriend ignored me

"Let me see it!" I snarled.

He looked at me with a 'what the fuck bitch?' look and took the tissue paper that blanketed the little pink(Apparently) ball. Clenched it, and began to punch it thus making it beyond repair. He has no sentimental value for anything.
I got off of the ladder, almost falling off, and left. I can never work with that ass. He takes my feelings and plays them against me, doing things he knows upsets me. Then proceeds to scream at me and verbally abuse me when i try to defend myself.

I can't do this. No one wants to help me. I have no one to talk to, and all I can do is cry. I remember when it wasn't like this. I had a best friend. A person I could entrust my life to...all I am left with is a broken heart and a kid who doesnt appreciate anything.

I want her back. You have no idea what I would do. what I would give up to have her back.

good night.
~a,f

3:33....good time for a post

2008-12-23T15:33:00.002-05:00

I couldnt think of a title until I saw my clock. Its too weird, and im getting tired of it.

I...I don't know what to do. I finished feeling really happy that one friend is finally looking up when I get a message from Eric. Hes upset and feels hopeless and mentally I just collapse. I can't do this! I am bad enough, and I am thankful Eric stuck by me with that, but I went over so much with him, that my brain and emotions are far too over taxed to do it all again.

So I did the only thing I knew. I got up, left the room, and cried in the bathroom. I help alot of people I try to be good to everyone because I know if i don't somewhere down the road it will bite me in the ass, but why? Why the constant need to assist? Even the Percocet isn't helping me.

So I have to stand alone, fighting my demons, and helping my friends fight theirs when all I have
is a level one staff and worn out boots.

I don't want to give up, but it hurts...alot. Im returning the favor to friends. They helped me when I needed it, and now I'm helping them. There shouldn't be anything else to it. Let my hheart weep....I hate love anyway.

~a.f

Okay, I have to put better thought into my dreams

2008-12-22T14:29:00.003-05:00

This was creepy, like freaky creepy.

I was directing a new movie. A horror film with a monster and demons and goblins, but no one would get hurt because alot of it would get painted in with CG. This dog got attacked in its home by demons that looked like imps. Then I was in the dark room doing the prints from the photoshoot that I had talked about yesterday. I freaked out because I was printing colors in the black and white developer. I go out of the darkroom and was attacked but ran. I tried looking for someone anyone when cut was yelled and I was brought into this gray room with other people just standing or sitting around doing nothing. No one talked and it was creepy.

Man!.....what chaos my head is in.

Its moms birthday so im running around as usual. have the dog to walk still, and then mindless cleaning.

Toodles

~a.f

Does no see the coward bleeding in the corner?

2008-12-21T21:36:00.002-05:00

I wonder if I can type this so it doesn't look like I'm mimicking, or just talking directly to one person. That would be rude, and I'm trying to stop my bad habits for the sake of humanity...I guess.

I'm beginning the process to quitting. Its not a big step, but I am starting on Mediums instead of regular Newports. Hopefully I can ween myself to a short pack a week, then a light short pack. Then less until I don't need any.

My blogs begin to become a pity party. Asking myself things in text and later reading it, in hopes of understanding the answer.

Why do I hunger to know?

..Why anything? Why am I about an inch away from diving into the frigid waters to help, maybe save it looks like, a person who has given up? How can I show them it's not the end?

Maybe it is, and I am just blind to the fact. It kills me to know people I care about are in pain or sad.

Then I begin to wonder why again. Should I feel this way if they are only friends? I care for them the way lovers would. I treat everyone with the most respect I can muster and do all I can to make things memorable in a good way, even if it's only little things. Maybe I should just stop. It would seem if my close friends cannot benefit from what I've known my whole life, then I'm defective. No longer useful, and should be disposed of before malfunctions turn all my good work into shit.

Then another part of my brain says "Maybe nothing is working because you aren't trying hard enough"

And then I begin to wonder why im having a damn conversation with my brain and if that is normal.

If only I could drink this pain away. Maybe I'll drink to stop thinking, and finally live this damn life.
...Unlikely.

I'm traped to be the woman I am. To wonder so much and be facinated by it all. What hurts the most is to see what I cant hold and say "It's okay. I will make it okay." I would move the stars if I could, to make my friends smile.

Then feel wretched to think I had to do so much to have my own satisfaction of a smile.

It won't be long now......
~a.f

xmas and jobs.,,

2008-12-21T01:02:00.002-05:00

Well Jen and Nikki had their xmas party and Dj picked me up and whee away we ent.

Not the most interesting sentence but okay.

I was lamenting over what to give the two people who not only introduced me to cosplay, but became a good source of moral support. They are a couple and plan on getting married at some point.

So, I grabbed this overstuffed lamb I picked up a while ago, and took all my photos because I knew Jen's was in there. By the way. (points up) That would be Miss Jen as Leon from Rez Evil 4.

Now to clarify form previous posts. I ranted and yelled at a girl named Jen. THIS IS NOT THE SAME JEN. Okay, moving on.

It turns out it was exactly what they wanted. Nikki squealed, Jen was like "Awesome!" And I beamed at actually getting something right.

We commenced with watching Tokyo Godfathers which is one of my fav videos in the world. If you havent seen it, heres a trailer, but you have to be good with subtitles because there is no dub version of it (one reason I love it):

Notice that the only speech you hear is Miyuki saying 'forgive me' or people's names.

Then got into playing Apples to Apples with like 10 people, then wandered to where Dj was and started playing Go which I have not played in many MANY years, and some chess.

Then we ate. played rock band2 (I was decent) then we all settled and began to talk about everything.

It's great when friends are away for so long. We just sit and talk and talk. We were discussing mainly anime and cosplay, which gave me more ideas. Then Dolphies.

Dolphies are something I really love, but will never own due to how expensive they are.

That is one of Jen's Dolphies.

So, it seems I will actually be able to do A dolphie photoshoo before I go. Nikki has 5, Jen has two and I will have fun with them. I've already begun to think of different poses for them and their various outfits. Little story boards etc.

I have to go now, but this Christmas I hope you smile at least once. Love takes many faces and many forms.Even if no one is your arms, know you are in someones heart. Wether you know it or not.

I am working tomorrow and getting home will be a pain.

Toodles

~a.f

WHEEEEEEE! Photoshoot! can't wait! ^___^

Cold snow, LOTS of cold snow..

2008-12-20T00:51:00.004-05:00

Well, I've been wanting to blog, but a bit too tired to do so. Lately, my body has decided that it wants to sleep and try and balance out the nights I spent being a nervous wreck before Photo crits.

Since Tuesday I did my final performance for Acting I. Almost didn't have Ethan because he pulled one of my stunts and stayed up and then overslept. It was fine though, got an 'A' for sure.

Man was that this week? I can't remember the days are slowing like weeks.

I would talk about my dreams, but I can barely remember them. I remember fragments, feelings from them. Specific people. Then again, sometimes I cant remember if they are dreams or my day dreams or even over reactive rogue thoughts. My head is a lil messed up.

Then I think....is thought my friend or enemy? Should I take steps to think less? Usually it overloads and poses threats to my health and then stuff like right now happens.

I'm thinking so much about so many things, that I start screaming at myself to stop, and cry. Cry because all of these ideas, and none of them help anyone.

Rachel was right about alot stuff she said about me..

I miss her, terribly.

Sad thing is, I think I started looking up to her like I did my sister, and years of pain I tried to make vanish hits me in the face again. It's hard to lose someone, but it's so much worse to lose them, and know that no matter what you try, there is no way of even seeing them again by chance in the future.

I understand what it is like to love someone, and have them leave even if you don't want them to. To be angry at the things you did or didn't do. To say I will do so much different if i can have them back. Everyday it seems I am in the bathroom with the lights off crying. I plead that the past was changed. That the world had someone better than me. That I had been in the car... Look at that, I'm crying again. I was doing very well over not crying about this anymore. I learned that I couldnt change a thing, a damn thing. It was going to happen.

....And now I feel worse.

I was talking to a dear friend of mine, whom I treat like all of my close friends. One little side effect of my upbringing, I turn into a mother hen, trying to make sure everyone she cares about Never has to worry about the unknowns of life, and try to quell their fears or concerns.

I got harsh on them even though I knew they were upset. It is Christmas afterall, and people get very sad this time of year.

I could of said worse things, but I remember when I was exactly the same way, and still refused to talk to a grief counselor. Any time I had to go, I changed the subject. I didn't want people to know i was hurting. I was always the rock whom supported the world. Sadly, my eyes always betray my hidden emotions.

So I finish talking, and I decided that I would blog and check up on whom Im following. They had a new post and I clicked. I admired the background picture of a surrealist Stonehenge, and proceeded to read.

I was WAY too hard when I was talking, and feel like an ass now.

Maybe I was fast on moving on from my pain, but they weren't and if they are reading, Im not taking pity on you, but I understand. You, like every person is different, but...... I guess all I can say is I'm sorry, and hope you can forgive me for being so blind to your pain.

1:11a... Oh shit I'm dizzy, but I promised I'd stay on.

What a fool I can be.

Now I'm thinking about other things. Insulting myself. Questioning my own motives. How could I even try to help, when I crushed Eric? Dumping him and choosing my education over a relationship. I wonder if I will ever love enough to even know what my friends had. Then again...it's hard to love a freak who thinks too much.

Wanna know something sad? My family has started making fun of the fact I'm the only virgin in the house. Not something you need to know, but just one of the little thoughts that have now given me a ripe headache. So many things to know, but Why?

Why am I thinking so much? Why am I even here? Whats the reason? Surely the universe wouldnt deem my existance nessessary unless I coul help someone, even one.

/wince. My head.... I can't stop these thought explosions. It's so hard to control them too.

I guess it's meditation time. Try to rid all thought. Thats how I ease my pain over Mary Kate at least.

Song Flashback- First Love

2008-12-16T11:24:00.002-05:00

One of the first songs I found when I was 14 and playing around on limewire. It was really by accident I even found anime. This song I first saw in a fushigi yuugi Amv, one of the first AMvs, it was found on a VHS and put on the computer.

Lyrics (english ones because I doubt the Japanese ones will help you):
the last kiss
tasted like tobacco
a bitter and sad smell

tomorrow, at this time
where will you be?
who will you be thinking about?

you are always gonna be my love
even if i fall in love with someone once again
i'll remember to hold on
you taught me how
you are always gonna be the one
it's still a sad song
until i can sing a new song

the paused time is
about to start moving
there's many things that i don't want to forget about

tomorrow, at this time
i will probably be crying
i will probably be thinking about you

you will always be inside my heart
you will always have your own place
i hope that i have a place in your heart too
now and forever you are still the one
it's still a sad song
until i can sing a new song

you are always gonna be my love
even if i fall in love with someone once again
i'll remember to hold on
you taught me how
you are always gonna be the one
it's still a sad song
now and forever...

There is an actual english version, but it doesnt have the same depth of feel this one has. I'll let you be the judge

Torn

2008-12-15T19:06:00.000-05:00

Singing...my version of screaming at this wretched life

2008-12-15T14:52:00.004-05:00

So im in the computer lab at school listening to all the inuyasha openings. Reminds me of the times when I was younger and would just put them as loud as I could at RPI and enjoy the new genre I had discovered.

Today I am so angry it is beyond belief. Aside from having to jump around like a video game character on the ice while walking the dog, I almost have a tree fall right on top of me. It was interesting to see all the lights go out around me. The music is so loud, but I don't care. It has been a while since I've forced my likes on other people. Yeah so one car on my street got completly smashed. My neighbor went to her sons because its too cold in her apartment. I, however, have to spend "quality" time with my family. They are okay if you don't have to deal with them all the time. I sit there in front of the wood stove. My brother with his girl friend. My sister with her boyfriend. My parents. Katrina going to her soon-to-be girlfriends house. Its sickening to be the singled out person and have it pointed out every 30 minuets. I retreat to my room. It's cold, and I try to ration why I am the way I am. Why do I try to whore myself out for some damn attention? My whole life, have I only done good things for others for a nod of acceptance? (groan) Now I get yelled at for not getting up at 9am like the rest of them. Perhaps I don't want to be like you? EVER THINK THAT?! Eric even wants to get back together because I did some bonehead things 2 weeks ago.

Perhaps the reason I don't want to be with anyone is because I have to figure out who the hell I am. Wether or not my whole life is a fraud. It's hard to love anyone, when you can't even love yourself. I have so many ideas that I have books spilling over, great thoughts, and I just see that this life is nothing. What I mean is that it's all scripted. So corny at times that it reminds me of those Hallmark movies I quickly walk away from or change the channel because the next part is something I can't watch.

If you are reading this fast, you are missing out on everything I am trying to say. Its taking me a very long time to type, and I doubt you will ever appreciate it for what it really is worth. I stare at everyone around me, everything in my life, and see that none of it is what it seems. I own nothing. I cannot lay my claim to anything, because I give it all away. Perhaps that is why I am unable to love either.

How could I have such hate for myself? I look in he mirror, and I only have mean things to say to myself. I've wanted to cry because I see myself for what I am. I wonder everyday, why?

And don't bullshit me with 'theres a reason' or 'see a shrink' because what ideas, thoughts I have NO ONE has been able to understand. I get brushed off, insulted because I can't stop thinking.

They want me to be exactly like them. Husband, 2.5 kids. 2 cars, mortgage I will never pay off.

But instead I am tourtured because I decided to use my mind. I wouldn't ignore it. I chose art which I have had a passion for my whole life. I rejected their philosophies and began to learn my own. For this I have been shunned, flogged and my spirit trampled to death. And even now, while I read everyone elses blogs, and take interest in their point of view, I feel I am only screaming out to nothingness. That no one will ever understand, that I can't find a mind that understands mine. Even weirder I keep having dreams with figures such as Steve Irwin and John Denver in them. Perhaps it is just some obscure part of my mind that doesn't want to compleatly sever myself from people telling me that if I continue like this, I can't help anyone besides myself.

Ugh, you ever just regret waking up? And even lovelier its 3:33. Perhaps I should try to write a thesis of the various ways people are good and bad. How they interact. Of course this totally bias seeing as i was born into a suburban class as well and see my entire childhood lived by a spoiled brat who couldn't understand anything and cried over anything. This child being me.

hmm... Perhaps I am avoiding sex because I see its effect on other people and do not wish to be ensnared like them.

I had a dream about that too. I was seduced by some guy, and while I don't remember its act, I could feel how cramped it made me feel afterwards. I wanted to try and understand what the hell he did when in some BDSM way, I was trapped by this mistress called 'SEX'.

Then again, I'm just a huge modern day nerd who is likely afraid that her performance will be less than lack luster in the proverbial 'bedroom'

Goddamn Im thinking too much again. And I've been having too many day dreams too. To the point I have to tell myself to stop.

I don't even know why im typing anymore. Im just going to go home before it gets too dark.

I can't scream or cry. I rarely can have a cig either so....BAAH!

~a.f

Quick check in

2008-12-11T21:04:00.002-05:00

I will be back in 9 days. I have alot on my mind, and need to calm down. Granted if you care. I realize I react a bit too much when it comes to my blog, but other people do not realize I blog in here when I need to release my anger or yell from a mountain top...Seeing as I have no mountains here, this will do fine.

Back on the 20th
-a.f

NOTICE OF SUSPENSION

2008-12-06T00:35:00.006-05:00

I wont be blogging for a while. Why? because I am sick of writing this and then getting people who tell me how my life is wrong afterward. It's MY LIFE. I'm sick of you all trying to act like you know better or chastising me for trying to give a little zinger when you are not feeling too happy. Forgive me if I still have a heart I haven't fully understood yet.

Go on and live your lives, I won't be your glimpse to things past

Squally out. To be honest I'm fed up with alot of you and I no longer care if you snap or snide at me.

Im not doing shit for 2 weeks, perhaps longer if I feel like it. If you have a problem by all means email me at fireicefalcon@gmail.com and tell me about it. I only tried to be nice, what the hell were you doing?

Returning worn and battered.

2008-12-05T21:18:00.002-05:00

So people have wondered why I write so many depressing entries? Because life is not very good right now. It's not just me, my little sister too. Right now, I am having issues even sitting or laying because I just got inot a big ass fight with my little brother of all people. Yup, little terror strikes again.

I caused it however, me and my pride. I won't let him push my little sister around anymore. he has dad around his finger, and the only one who seems to be the bad guy is mom because she tries to stop it. I screamed at him. Hes not a man, hes a little boy with a temper tantrum all the damn time. After dissolving my little sister to tears of frustration and agony in her bedroom, I decided that was enough. Its not about why it happened, it's the principle. The fact that he gets out of everything by screaming then sucking up to my dad who doesn't care as long as there is no fighting. Dad snuck out to the casino, which made little brother think he could run the show.

Mind you, he decided not to participate at all with the family today. We (meaning Kelly rose, my parents and I) dragged a 14 foot tree about half a mile in the woods to the car. We did really well too. Well he made another mess then cleaned it up, and got PRAISED for it, which drove my little sister up a wall because she does so much more, but apparently thats expected of her. Matthew bitches at her for so long (and I ignored it because I knew my anger was rising with him) then dissapears, leaving her distraught. I heard her and I talked to mom saying how it's not right.

Then came my boiling point. I decided that he needed to apologize. Never once has he ever had to man up....if you can call him that. I went downstairs, banged on the door and when it was opened, demanded he apologized to my crying sister.

Of course he cussed me out and called me a poin-dexter due to my glasses. I informed him that I would not move from that doorway until he went up and said he was sorry. He got angry and told me to get away from his house. Again (for the ump teenth time) I pointed out that he pays no bills, thus it is not his house but my fathers.

He screamed for me to leave and I told him I would not leave that spot until he apologized. He went to shut the door when I leaned on it, thus not permitting it to close. He shoved me to the ground against concrete stairs, and made a move for the door. I grabbed it, and got back up, still refusing to move. I would not take no. Even if I had to fight my own family, my little sister would get justice that she needs.

He went for me again when I hear the fimmilar noise of Kelly Rose, coming to back me like oh so many times I backed up Mary Kate. She yelled at him, finally letting it all out. Thing is, he cant cope with the same stuff we do, and he runs and fights instead of fighting for something right, he fights for something easy. I block him, letting my little brother know it is me v him, not my baby sister. He shoves me again, wherein I decided to be actually a bitch. This butt ugly blanket, which is used as a butt ugly curtain to hide their ugly butts while they fornicate, was right in front of me so I tugged and yanked it down and chuckled a mean chuckle in my head. I see him going for her and latch around his leg. He begins to swing forward, but I push him back towards his "cave".

Suddenly I feel the worse THUD! on my back and numbing pain echo out. 'ooh!' I thought 'That hurt! Just a bit!'

Kelly screamed and started going for him. I got up, knowing he would go for her. With all my limited might, I shoved him back, then turned my back to him and pushed him back into his disgrace of a home and slammed the door and told Kelly Rose to go.

I followed her and when he came back, I screamed at the top of my lungs what he is doing to my family. How he is ruining my life.

My mother asked her usual question 'what can I do?'

Sadly, due to the sudden adreniline, I screamed at her too.

"Mary Kate would NEVER put up with this! One bad apple ruins the bushel! hes a bad apple and look what he's doing to this family!"

Kelly right now is calming down. She seriously wants to just leave, and I don't blame her. She has been going through this for 3 years, and very gracefully. Family shouldnt tear eachother apart. I dont understand what the hell happened to him. In all honesty, the girls faired so much better than the boys in this family.

I was a bit surprised my glasses were not hurt in the altercation. I was ready for those to be the first thing to go.

Ive been smoke free for 2 weeks, Im getting a pack. Tomorrow I will shoot, grab dani and then who knows. Stroll on Sunday.

Toodles
~a.f

Tis the season to be....what? Inquisitive?

2008-12-04T15:07:00.004-05:00

It's been a few days since my brain decided to go nuts. I can't figure out a reason for it yet. I have to get out, thats all I hear screaming in my head. Other than that, have some nice things coming up. I have to stop freaking out, and just get this thing done on my own. If I panic, it will just come out badly. For now, I have assembled a make-shift tripod and will work from there.

I'll Post later
~a.f

The proper way to relieve stress.

2008-12-03T21:47:00.002-05:00

After my last two posts, I was cranky, agitated, and VERY anti-social. I hung around some people and finally at 3 went to the theater and just started playing the piano. Just over and over teaching myself new songs by ear, and singing as loud as I could, knowing no one could hear me. The one that seemed to just keep going to the point I started playing it with my eyes shut was Zeldas theme from Ocarina of Time.

I was finally calm when I heard a small creek then the curtain move. I got up fearing it was a ghost and quickly moved away when Friggin Cooper stepped out. Well there goes my anonymity. I dozed throughout Acting because I was so tired. Now that I am home....I feel a little safer. Not that Im not just with people whom were very nice to drop me off at school and pick me up instead of having me walk, but also I am back in my space. My tranquil gardens *smile*

I will have to see a counsler about how my mind wants to switch into doomsday mode when it realizes that something is going to fail. Yeah....Madison used me. Has her prints and has no real intentions of helping me with mine. Dani never showed up (didn't expect her to though) and Ethan must still have Bronchitis.

10pm Hope your day was better. I'm so....ugh (tired lol)

Toodles
~a.f

Thoughts from a Bewildered breather

2008-12-03T11:52:00.005-05:00

To place the setting correctly. Just outside the doors of the Marvin Library, closest bench to the stairs, and closest to the doors.

(To focus the mind and ready it to write amidst the people)
Hush. Ignore the people around you. None of them notice you, and you won't find the ones you seek.

Taking a breather away from many reminders of my personal failures. Dani never showed. I wonder why I still scan around, thinking I might see her like a puppy waiting for its owner to stroll up the walk. 11:30 the clock chimes in its melodious computer setting.
Why did the thought ever cross my mind that by giving so much of myself, my talents and my time that I could or would get anything in return. Just alone, as usual. Too timid to strike a proper conversation. Realizing I will be a blasphemous nun. Uninterested in sex. Only focused on art. Perhaps they are right and art is a fruitless course to take. Can I strive to capture beauty in the world, when it is so hard to find it in myself?

Red bench so cold now

the warmth of hearts vanished
quickly, snow sets in.

Why aren't I happy with myself?
Why do I only see the bad and the sadness? The failures and every other flaw I have is all that I perpetrate on myself

For what? To teach myself a life lesson? to show the world what they shouldn't become?

I look in the mirror and say softly,"Why? Why do you have to hate me so?"

Set Phasers to KILL!!

2008-12-03T07:17:00.004-05:00

(look! the title and picture don't match.... too bad.Lol)
I didn't sleep at all last night :(
I couldn't get my mind to stop. It just kept going and wouldn't let me sleep. I started crying because it actually got painful to think anything because new layers, aspects opened themselves up. Why? what the hell is this? I know i wanted to understand but this is a bit much!So meanwhile I get up, and actually prep for school seeing as I wanted to do a photo shoot today. I go to wake up Katrina....and shes GONE. She left me again. Mom says she will drive me but not before bitching the whole way about how art shouldn't occupy so much of my life and etc and other bull. I know I should love her and stuff but it just made my head hurt even more to think about how I saw myself in her eyes (seriously! You can knock this off at anytime brain!) Get to school, and couldn't use the studio, and Madison decided she didn't want to help me shoot because I didnt come in last night to help her print.

So I'm screwed. I don't have a tripod for this camera, and I got used. AGAIN.

Its funny how when I fail on my own it's because I gave up. This time in panick mode because I put my faith in others. People whom have their own agendas and reasons for doing stuff.

I'm suppose to meet with Dani again today to 'hang' and let her do work. I feel like an empty being. So much being forced around me. A loud buzz in my head and I'm just....calm accepting my fatalism. For once I was prepared, but because I trusted again, it fell apart. Like a cake. The baker entices the helper to aide in carrying the layered cake by giving him a brownie. He becomes so obsessed with the brownie, he stops his aide and the baker struggles to handle it alone.

I would love to scream to cuss, but then....it all shuts down. I'm finally tired and want to rest, but it's too late. Worse thing is, the place for comfort i have is an empty pixel canvas. Staring at people absorbed in their own lives. It was odd to try and delicately put on make up. For a moment, I looked acceptable in my eyes. Then I looked closer and saw who was really there. Here reflected is a pathetic being, not even sub par to be called door mat. I don't understand. Then again, I may never understand. Some days I feel content even happy about who and what I am, and then I crash back into my spiral of abuse to figure out if I am even worthy of life. If I should even be in public when my negativity affects others so much.

I think I saw Josh when I was getting dropped off. Well not Josh but this brown jacket that looked exactly like one I looked at online last night. Looked really nice.

I guess I'll wait for Dani, jsut to have her stand me up too.

Post later

a.f

My brain hurts. >.<;

2008-12-02T23:12:00.002-05:00

I'm chilling at home when I get a call from Dani. She says it's an emergency. Despite my mothers protests, I grab the bus and meet her downtown. It sounded like she was going to have a nervous breakdown. I meet her and she gives me $2 so I can go with her up to her house. She talked about how spirits have been scaring her, to the point she wrote psalm 23 on her door which management did NOT like. I saw it and was like "Dani! Use CHALK!"

I finally got her to calm down and explain it to me all in full.

I gave her my blessing to join this church in 'Vilete. An apostolic church. I figured I should trust her if she feels this would be best for her.

She asked them to do a spiritual cleansing on her home after everything has been happening. They refused, saying that it is God telling her to get rid of her girlfriend. I shook my head. They preach hate, which is the last thing Dani needs. She needs love. Which is why despite my own personal reasons, I will be taking her to my church on Saturday.

Weird things always happen to me when I'm around Dani though. She always wants to learn, and know more, which kinda trips my mind into an overload. It is to a point, she gave me a book and I began writing like a fiend on religion, financial classes, and her music.

Im going to make her some more calming music. After reviewing all of her music, its all rock, rap and etc.

I have a thing of listening and feeling the core of the song. The message it is really trying to give you. Almost to feel the heart of the person and the passion they convey. I believe that everything has a spirit, even built objects because say someone gives a gift. They are giving a part of themselves to you in actuality because it is FROM THE HEART. Get what I'm saying? half the time I don't because all of these thoughts on so many levels just overflow from my mind when this kind of thing happens, and it excites me. If i don't get it out in words, it starts to hurt and torture me because my mind cannot handle so much.

So I'm going to give Dani some more feminine music, classical, and choir boy music. They have a gentler spirit and promote harmony in my opinion. My head still hurts from all the information that I had going through my head. She wants to learn book smarts and philosophy, and I would like to understand her point of view more so I can be more open to others. Its all a huge scenario I'm trying to explain and identify because everyday problems do not just happen to everyday people. Everyone loves the same music, and the worlds problems are everyone's problems. I don't know why I'm crying though. This is so sudden and yet I cant stop it. My father is playing " Thats what Friends are for" and I cant stop crying. Probably because when I was going for the 80, Dani insisted I take her water. Said she didn't need it. I ran and made the bus, and being winded, I took a sip of water without realizing it until i was mid sip, and smiled. no one needs to be as downtrodden as I am. I will work to make everyone understand each other in simple language that we all can understand. This is my Equivalent Exchange. josh let me talk to him on Monday, and I returned the favor to Dani and she will return it to someone else and so on and so on.

My head wants to think about what is wrong with everyone, but my heart just wants to help right now. Anyone, anywhere. I just wanna make people smile, and feel better. Calm their fears. Let them know someone does care.

Toodles

~a.f

What the hell is going on?!!!

2008-12-02T14:15:00.003-05:00

Last night, after blogging about the shooting star or whatever, I decided to try and get some sleep. I put on my dorkiest music, to assure myself that I am not a normal person but a geek as I always have been since I fully understood what the word meant.

Music of choice?: The soundtrack from the Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time (which celebrates it's 10th birthday this week. See? Geek)

So i shut the laptop cover, and lay thinking about the music and its melodious notes. I think about my day. The things I did, who I talked to..Then suddenly the music just fades away and I'm left talking to my own mind, which I'm sure isn't suppose to happen.

I flinch involuntarily, and the music reaches my ears again. I open the top to see the track, see who is left on Gchat and shut it again, replacing my message from my geeky one, to my normal sleep message:

"Sleep...it alludes me" Which half of the time, it does.

So I think again. Which, if I was smart, would realize that thinking causes most of my problems.

As much as I had tried last night, my thoughts all went to one thing, one conversation today. My mind gave more reviews of play by play than a washed up ESPN Sportscaster.

Then the images started to form, unsure if it was a dream or a mental memory, I let my head begin its favorite pass time: What if Fantasies.

Sad yes, but its always something else to think 'What if JFK didn't get shot?' and etc

Last night, it was especially cruel. What if I was talking face to face? With whom? You don't need to know. Anyway, you are likely already guessing who so I needn't say their name.

....And now I hesitate to type..

Maybe because I am afraid it wasn't a dream. I don't remember all of it, just feelings, many indescribable, and certain images and key words of conversation.

It was a public area, with a help desk in front, and lots of light pouring in from the back wall. I was the only one who saw it though. When I asked the person I was talking to, they were silent for a bit. When their attention was finally grasped they said it was dark, pitch black in fact. I asked if this was a Lucid dream, where en point they turned and asked the question back.

It was like a barrier was crossed. I have never had a Lucid dream before, and the idea of full control was weird. The conversation continued, but I dont remember the words, only the body language and the fact that this room full of people never noticed us talking.

There was no annoyance, or anger. Just two people talking. It was almost eerie in it's simplicity. i smiled as the conversation continued. I noticed that the conversation partner was looking away slightly but still keeping eye contact. I was puzzled and asked what was wrong. They said nothing. I turned to see what it was they saw and it was as if simply breaking away from the objective threw me out of the dream itself.

I woke up dizzy dazed and confused. I open my laptop again, and it is 5am. I groan put my head down. Frustrated I open my laptop again to see it be 6am. I stared in disbelief. How could I have slept an hour when I knew my head was only down for maybe 5 minuets?!

I decided enough was enough. I put my music back on and tossed onto my other side and slept. No thoughts, no dreams, just sleep to enfold me away from the weird, the creepy, and the fantasies that always fill me with false ideas and hopes it wants to see me fail at.

How am I suppose to even begin to understand a dream like that? i told myself that shit like that had to stop, for everyone's sake.

I'll be around Im still kinda somber thinking about this.

Toodles
~a.f

I think they're aiming now.......

2008-12-02T00:19:00.002-05:00

So I'm walking the dog, just finishing my last cig of the pack when I see this light in the sky. It puzzled me at first. I wondered if it was a star, a very old one by its orange color. I noticed it move and figured "wow...the lights on that plane are DIM" And as I watched this low flying ball of light, that looked like a lamp post or a cherry on a cig, It suddenly just broke apart like a fire cracker. I was standing there for a couple minuets wondering if I really had just seen that. A low flying metor breaking apart at about 5,000 feet in my direction.

Mind you, this is the fourth one now. I knew during November there was to be a big meteor shower, but that was at the start of the month. Since then I've seen a green one, white one, yellow and now orange. Pretty interesting shit lol

50 Jokes that would likely suck on their own as told by Hank

2008-12-01T21:17:00.000-05:00

~a.f

To work...or not to Work? At this point, it's not a question

2008-12-01T13:16:00.003-05:00

One thing I like about Blogspot: It automatically signs me in when my email is up. Ha ha no pesky passwords to remember.

It's about 1:30 and I should be rehearsing my Acting scene with Ethan, but lo and behold!

He didn't show up Again. We have only practiced about twice, and its due in a Week.
I did however, get some stuff done. I bartered with Ryan, and convinced him that it would be in the best interest of both Madison and myself that for our self portrait project, that the roles be reversed. What I mean by this:

The assignment calls for the person to be their own model in their own shoot. Problem is, you both have to be photographer and subject.

I felt that while I am only one who truly knows my own camera, that I could change it up like this: I take pictures of Madison on my camera, which I am familiar with while Madison takes pictures of me on her camera, which she is most comfortable with.

Granted now, I am taking a huge leap of faith in Madisons Photography skills.

After the film has been shot, the rolls used would switch back so that we can print images of ourselves.

Ryan agreed amd I spent about an hour doing a shoot with Madison as Nancy from the tragic, drug rigged couple Sid and Nancy, whom she idolizes.

Later this week, we will work on my movie choice of Labyrinth. i chose that because I can somewhat connect to the conscious conflictions that the main character, Sarah, had to deal with. Continue to be a child in her own mind, or rise up and leave the fantasy and embrace the responsibilities of reality. Mine will be a bit hard but we chose the beginning scenes, a piece in the middle and the very end, since those would be the easiest to work with. A bedroom scene, A part in the maze which I am hoping an alleyway downtown would suffice for, and the end, where she is in her room again, a changed woman.

For now, I am in the library, and will likely head home in a second.

What in this world would make me happy?

2008-11-30T21:25:00.002-05:00

The Original Creators of Lolita and 90s Goth, Malice Mizer. They ruled from 92-01 when the drummer died.

I was wondering that after explaining the shit that happened today.

I stay in my room, and avoid them especially when the terror beast is let out of his cage.

My room is a place of peace for me, and I lock my door so the chaos of the world cannot enter unless I want it or want to understand it.

I got angry when Matt's girlfriend of a manatee (yes, I mean it in that way) Said that I called her fat, and that I was no better. To set the record, I called no one fat.....except in that last line, yes I called her fat to the example of a manatee which I'm sure she has no idea what one is because she nor my little brother want to finish their educations. I would of told that to her face but I knew if I went out there, I would of been swinging, then arrested by that whore.

Needless to say I am a bit heated so I will go back to what would make me truly happy.

I want to be alone, but I hate being lonely. Its a double edged sword I know.

I want a person who's passionate, but won't resort to excessive amounts of pressure, especially childish ones, to get their way (Crying and whining are the top two offenses)

I don't think I want sex. After what almost happened with my old b/f and what did happen with my fling.... I don't think I want part of that aspect of life.

People fantasize and fight over part on a body that are so awkward......Ugh I digress.

Sex isn't my thing, end of story. I can't find the right person so I wont beat myself up over it. The barriers seem to be fine, no one objected to them before.

I want a calm home for my calm mind, where I can have witty people come over and discuss interesting things... There is no way in hell I could ever be happy the way I am. I have to escape with like minded people. Im a philosopher, not a better half, not a lesbian, not fat, not a whore, I am who I chose to be, and I choose my mind. I reject your attempts to cattle me into your system. I choose to learn what I feel is necessary for my own survival and mental well being.

Does anyone else feel that way?

email me....let me know I'm not of a last breed.
Toodles...

~a.f

The Little Girl Who Was Forgotten By Absolutely Everyone (Even The Postman).

2008-11-30T18:11:00.002-05:00

The story Of emily, the girl who was forgotten. Not sure why I'm being drawn to gothic, emo lolita stuff. There are times, I don't like happiness. So overrated to laugh and smile. You quickly take it all for granted, because thats all you feel.

When I am angry or upset, I feel a wave of all other things. I can see better when under the foot of fate.How people really are, and who I really am. I let everyone push me around, even my family. No one knows who I am, how i truly feel, because none of them cares. When I call them on their wrong doings, expose them to the public, I am shunned away 'Go back to your room, Go to Florida.'

Case in point of Friday and my father hypocritical power over my younger siblings.

Matt and Kelly were fighting, and he was ready to punch her, and my mother stopped him. My father yells at my little sister and chastises her for... Oh yeah get this:

Her boyfriend sleeping in her room. They don't sleep in the bed together. He sleeps in the bed, shes on the floor. Across from where my parents sleep.

Now my little brother is a bit different. He sleeps in the basement with his girlfriend having sex LOUDLY everynight.

I point this out, and my father says turn up the radio. What...the.....fuck.

Everything is wrong, and it isnt until my little brother finally leaves on his own to the fact hes dropped out and has no intentions of an education that he will see how bad he treated all of us. How he made us give up on the world because of him. He breaks everything on purpose and looks for fights.

I fear he might end up dead, but I will only sigh and know he finally learned his lesson.

I have to worry about myself, the mess I have found my way into. Whether to try and contact and set my fears of shame aside, or sit and wonder if for once I will cease to be the cowardice bad guy.

If I should replace barriers I knocked down.

If I should stop this whole charade of a life, and give up on it, and see if I can repair it after I let them all do what they want for 7 months.

At this stage, I feel I am the problem. If I am gone and I return, I will finally see who I affected and who really cared.

The topping? As I am finishing this, the snot nosed shit insults me for bringing him the phone after he broke the sliding glass door. How can he be so messed up and wrong?

I refuse to be associated with him anymore. From this point on, he will only hurt me.

Toodles

~a.f

Sorry this couldn't be a "happier" post. Happiness doesn't exist anymore, such lies, anger,only spreads and people don't like it when it hits them in the face. At least have some grace.

Sleep....It alludes me

2008-11-30T14:29:00.002-05:00

I had the cig but decided against the quarter. All night, I couldn't sleep. Tossed and turned, and had to listen to my little brother slam the door he broke. I am really getting to loath this kid. I finally fall asleep about 6am, which was a first in a long time. I wake up at 2 because little brother is playing the fucking piano and yelling with all his damn friends. Why is it almost all the guys I know have issues with indoor voices? -_-; So I get out there, tell him to shut up, im sick AGAIN and he starts going off worse than a bitch during menopause.

Meanwhile, I'm having emotional conflicts about my behavior over the weekend regarding Eric.

But the entire world has to wait, because I have to walk the dog, even though I have another sinus infection. (-________-)
Whole week is packed. Monday, photo and acting, Tuesday, more photo. Wed photo gym acting Thursday Photo acting Friday etc...etc... Only these 2 weeks left then I focus on bigger and better.

Its snowing....lovely.

Toodles!
~a.f

Okay, I'll Post

2008-11-30T01:24:00.003-05:00

So work was fun. Im glad that they will give me more hours.

This is a fun ass song

so we kept playing with these water glitter balls and we were getting upset, because every time we played with it, babies would wanna play with it. When they played with it, their parents would buy. After awhile, we didn't have anymore to play with lol

I got there at 3:15, after my father decided to drive me. Spent some time walking around, played a bit of DDR and picked up some movies.

For now, a quarter, a cig and then, sweet bliss of sleep.

Toodles
~a.f

Wtf? my dreams are so weird.

2008-11-29T11:13:00.002-05:00

It was summer, and and Josh, Rachel, Madison and I were on the 80, going to get something to eat. I say a bit away from them, because everything had just re settled. It even looked like they gott back together.

Rachel says she needs a new phone. We walk in and Madison and I both comment on an older model that looked really good. Some guy walks up and starts to flirt with Madison....well there she goes. Even in my dreams Madison is guy hunting lol.

So I'm talking to Josh, when this other guy I knew from school kinda grabs me from behind. I was startled and only part of me wondered if it was a game. None the less, I elbowed him to pull free and hit him in the eyebrow area. Josh was furious, yelling that you don't do that to someone. He stormed to his table and sat down yelling that he wished I would go to hell and that they force fed me all the garbage of the restaurant. He then started at what I think was a lobster tail. I smirked and told him, that its all fish so id be having left over sushi. He chuckled and I went to the main dining room, where Rachel was sitting by herself. I began to tell her how much I hated my math courses. and the last thing she said before I woke up was "Fluty, I'll tell ya, I wasn't a math girl either."

So I kinda know what this means.... maybe. It means I have a second chance and I should be cautious about it. I shouldn't always feel like I have to fight back because if I do, I will only offend and cause issues....maybe. How the hell am I able to analyze this? I just woke up 15 min ago and I gotta get the bus up to Saratoga for work (yawn)

Toodles
*yanks covers over head*
~a.f

2008-11-28T19:45:00.004-05:00

Okay, I'm a bit more awake, so I'll update on last night a bit more. My voice is so hoarse.

Me n Eric get to KB at 11. On the way up, we talked about my blog, and how he didn't like how I kept calling him "My ex". I tried to explain that I used that instead of his name, because I didn't know If he would of Wanted me to use his real name for privacy reasons, "And you know I can't use 'old lover' because we never really did anything." It would of been giggle worthy if we weren't both feeling the effects of turkey. So, I was surprised to see a HUGE LINE when we got up there. A few others showed up, and at midnight.

.... Well, lemme put it this way, GET OUT OF THE FRICKING WAY!

I was in charge of lines and assisting people as they walked in. I had to hand out flyers and these giant bags that are substitutes for shopping carts, seeing as the store is not very big. First thing I do? Drop the bags >.< -baka...-

So there had to be about 30 or so people waiting to start with then more, but by 1am

It was dead.

Seems KB was the only store in Wilton to open at midnight. I started off a little rocky, and was prompted to be at certain places, but I realized that If I effed something up, I could throw everyone else off.

We all breaked for a bit, and loitered outside the store in recliners for about an hour.

At about 3 or so, the first disaster struck.

These bags have to be with you at all times. I told Eric that I have to stop carrying them, because seeing as I'm...er.... 'vertically challenged' I kept slipping on mine.

So on the off-time, I saw Eric dragging the ladder, and bumping into his feet, so i offered to shadow him and spot the ladder.

Well, While pulling down some Hannah Montana stuff, I took my eyes off of him for a moment to grab the toy he was handing me, and he slipped on the bags he had holstered to his belt.

I could feel the weight change and immediately went to grab him. He almost fell on me, but I kept his head and what not from hitting the racks. I forced him in the back room to check for any damage, and he had a very large red line. I tried to ponder what it was when I realized it was an imprint of my arm when I grabbed him.

The rest of the morning went fine, and I made it out and home, but not before Eric decided he wanted a Tv at Best Buy.

Now i'm very tired at this point, and hes freaking perky milking the fact he got one of the last deep discounted HDTV's.

One thing that did really creep me out was the Baby Alive. I kept walking past it and I heard it say the most fucked up thing ever (this is no joke)

WTF MATE?!

Im working 5p-close then sleepin on Erics couch.

There was more drama at home, but that is a very fun story for another time.

Toodles!
~a.f

@___@; tiiiired

2008-11-28T09:40:00.003-05:00

WHat a night. So freaking tired it's unreal but I can't sleep yet. I spent the night handling unruly customers going for obscure items.

Good news, I was given hours for tomorrow

Even better, talks of giving me even more seasonal hours YAY! (^_^)\/

Well finishing up. Walk the dog then bed....hopefully...

Toodles

~a.f

Post #94

2008-11-27T16:33:00.005-05:00

Woah headed to 100 fast.....neat. For now, i've been achey and feverish all day unable to get out of bed. the moment i can walk around i have to nap again so I can work midnight to 7am..... Lovely.

Oh, btw EPIC WIN

Yeah its a very old fad but it's amazing how they just rick rolled ALOT of people.

The only thing that could of topped it is if he yelled out he lost the game.

~a.f

Thanksgiving....not a time for anorexics (cuz DAMN that would be awkward)

2008-11-27T04:59:00.002-05:00

5am....working tonight midnight to 7am then likely taking the bus home so my ex can go sleep.

Up for today? dog, prepping food...my brothers dogs (there's that extra 10 i needed YES!) typing up and submitting an application for seasonal work at Krauses chocolate shop. lookin up ads for mom. Eating at some point apparently, napping for as long as I can then getting picked up to go to Wilton mall to be a line monitor and try to convince people to buy batteries that in reality suck and will not make it to xmas for those guzzler toys of yours, oh and i guess to answer the #1 question before it drives me insane 'No...we do not have the Bakugon toys, we have Bakugon tee shirts, pens and stationary sets though' and 'No, we do not have Wii consoles, but we do have wii games'

Seeing as it is now officially that time of year, here is my favorite holiday song because its just subtle, not an overdose of xmas and it combines old Victorian ideas and makes you think ^__^ A Solin' by Peter Paul and Mary

First hand experiences

2008-11-27T00:36:00.003-05:00

I decided to take the substance one more time, to document its effects for myself.

Oxycodone. It should be stated I took one whole tablet. 5mg oxycodone and 325 of crap..

Now I began to get giddy then sick, getting nauseous and dizzy like i got off of an amusement park ride.. Im shaking but I will be fine. I will unlikely ever have one again, but it should happen, i will go half. this is intense, and the euphoric feeling was amazing. It seems the less i think, the easier it is. im gonna shut my eyes....and drift back to the safe feelings. A small piece I offer:

The princess, caught under the spell of the magician, stopped fighting his influence nd returned to her tower, the magician grinning, knowing he had full control over her. He stripped her and laid her down penetrating her; bombarding her mind with pleasure and a new thought pattern to make her life Normal. And she slept... forgetting his impact until again he took her.

Update 1p, Thursday: O___O;;; ok I don't remember writing the last part. I mean I remember my fingers moving but I wasn't even looking at the screen!

Way to Choke....

2008-11-26T18:59:00.004-05:00

I am an idea person. I think of all possible methods and ways.However, when it comes to putting those ideas personally in action, i choke...terribly.

I went back out to Hannaford with Katrina to look for this bread, sour cream and pie for my mom. We are looking at this pie and I see the one person I really would of wanted to avoid, Josh.

Why avoid? Because I still feel bad for the crap I put him through, and I know he still doesn't like my rude behavior. *sigh* so I'm talking to Katrina (which is hard as hell because I cant tell if shes talking to me or the person on the phone.) and trying to get out of there before I look any dumber.

Could of been worse, I could of been with Sandy.

$10 to go, and of course my mother refuses to let me borrow from he. Unable to use her card unless the money is in full in her hand.

I spent the rest of the trip with Katrina feeling like a jerk for choking. Why I fear Josh, I have no idea. Perhaps it is a fear to own up to my mistakes. So walmart.....zilch. Katrinas trying to goof around and cheer me up, which will never work. When I'm in a foul mood, it's hard to get me out of it...

And of course Life has to fucking mock me. Driving up to an intersection, there was one of those covers on the back for the spare tire that said 'Life is Good!' right in my face. Im glaring at it while Katrina is laughing.

I figure I will amuse her and say in my miserable voice "Ram it."

Get to Price chopper and they finally had the stuff I was looking for, paid for it and left. Get home, and get bitched at for trying to take the only cookie that wasn't contaminated by walnuts (yuck) and decided 'fuck it, ill go blog about how stupid i was'.....

.....Well, I guess that brings me up to like 7 min ago.

I don't understand how I can be so out of place here. Hopefully, when I get to Florida, my life will finally iron out.

Spending a week without buying cigs. It's gonna hurt, lol.

(._.) -sigh-

Writing down a dream before I lose it

2008-11-26T13:39:00.003-05:00

I was on the computer, talking to this girl I've known but never met. She says she has to go out. It just so happens, I am walking the dog. A car from the houses in the circle pulls out and I see a girl in the passengers seat with a guy driving and another in back. Two brothers and the girl I knew?

I follow (apparently forgetting about the dog)and arrive at hvcc campus apparently.

I pass a trailer for sale, not thinking much about it, and go into a large room, where maybe a handful of people are there including Steph,Josh, Dani, and the two I know online. They are looking at something and before I have a chance a bright green light fills the room. I drop to the floor shielding my eyes. When I get up, half of them are frozen in place. I scramble to the door with a few others who were not affected by the light, and see that the old world is gone, and winter has begun.

"We have to keep them warm." I said meaning those who were frozen
"We can't. The Arabs will gauge us for oil now. We will never make it through the winter."

I look back over and see Josh had left. I sighed. If anyone could of found a solution at that point in time, he could.

"They won't. Shut the door."

I walked over to one, a girl. It was either Stephanie or Ashley, another girl I knew online.

Suddenly she moved. They all moved. They didn't know what happened. I told her that people thought they were dead. It seems the only one who knew what happened was the first girl I knew online. I looked at her, but she wouldn't acknowledge my presence. She called for Ashley and they left together. Stephanie said she had to get to her parents and dashed off as well. I started walking back the way I came, and noticed this r/v or trailer. Apparently Josh was selling it, even though it didn't have his name on it. "$888.88? It's gotta belong to Josh." I called the number and said I had some of the money now and can give it to him. I settled into a little thing, driving down the highway into unknown.I was alone in the dark. That was the only thing I noticed. The dark and the cold.

Explanations

2008-11-25T15:38:00.002-05:00

Well.... I woke up at 11:30, but went back to sleep to finish one FREAKY dream.

I checked out the bottle where the Tylenol was suppose to be in (the bottle I took from) yeah......

...Seems that It was mixed with the other stuff. Upon closer inspection there were only 2 of my old pills.

All my plans for today have been scrapped. So I'm gonna walk the dog, clean a little then make annotated subtitles on the Youtube Live video I posted.

..It was so weird though. I was going off like a bullet but not even thinking at all

I get freaked out when I don't think because then I turn into like Jim Carey or some other messed up comedian like that before falling faster than a lead balloon.

updates later. Im expecting a bad crash today lol

~a.f

Update on condition

2008-11-24T21:11:00.003-05:00

Well, Im not having the spasms of pain up my leg which is the first time in a verrry long time. Down side, I got a wicked headache. I finished typing my string of rants and I look at my blog blotter ( I like calling it that) and it's freaky when I'm doing something and its like freakishly happening to someone else too. After reading carefully what he had to say, i guess it could be rue. However splitting headache isn't something I want if I wanna be normal. Jeez, how do you even know what the hell "Normal" is? Do Normal people pop pills to stop themselves from thinking or feeling? If so....Normal people need to be pitied.

~af

A string of rants and thoughts and omfg I should of just stuck to advil

2008-11-24T17:38:00.003-05:00

"WELCOME TO YOUTUBE (LIVE)"

So yeah, end of day. Making more posts than usual.

So first. I went to go and try and sell some of my vintage clothes. Again Not open. What the hell is up with downtown and hating Mondays as much as I do?! lol

So I walked back from fulton to Ferry, and waited for the 80.I swear I could of had 3 cigs waiting for that bus. Nothing however was worse than the spite with each passing bus.

I understand CDTA is trying to save money by jacking the price and cutting vital buslines. Heres a fucking Novel idea,

STOP HAVING SO MANY 22 BUSES!!!!

Seriously! I sat there and 5 of them went by. Two 22's right together. Now that's messed up. Then an express 22.

How many people go to the ESP that you need the 22 everyday well past midnight?

Meanwhile, it feels like the 80 is getting to Ferry via the Arctic circle. That bus is NEVER on time.

Uhm.....what else?

Oh.... yeah. Madison called and wanted to start work on our final. Now I love the girl, but I don't really want to do Sex and the city. For one I don't know anything about and two I really want to do Labyrinth. (Bowie is my Bishi)

So, with the cold against my thin khakis and the weight of all the crap I was luggin, my knees, head, back and abdomen started hurting badly. In stead of gulping down the last of the Tylenol, I knew I still had some Ibuprofen-600 from when I messed up my hand. I had used them later on (I had LOTS to spare) when I would get bad cramps from "The Lovelies". Worked really well too.

I begin to search the boxes of meds that date back to Fays drugs in 97 (HEALTH DANGER!) and every damn bottle was longer than the last with insane names for pills.

Do the drug makers seriously think that the longer the name, the better the product?

Whatever soI grab one and swig it down and thought to myself "That didn't seem right. My old ones were the tablet size this was kinda-OMFG!"

So apparently this bottle had been refilled with the wrong shit. While the bottle said Tylenol-600. It seems it was refilled with something else. Condone, Hydro condone, and was written in pen on the bottle which was clearly fading.

So Ive never had condone, this will be interesting. I hope it doesn't wreak havoc on my stomach like the Tylenol-600 usually does...

Oh what fun adventures .....

~Toodles

a.f

Roberts chat in the third person

2008-11-24T14:10:00.000-05:00

Found this, was written kinda cool.

Trapped in his cell that was once his home, he paced until he one day saw the news no longer covered the story of who he was or the plight he was in. They stopped caring about him, how? He was once all they ever talked about? Was it to truly be only 15 minuets of fame? Warhol! How could you create such a term! Robert collapsed next to a chair staring at the television which had switched to more light hearted matters.

He knew that shudder...his mind was exacting his punishment.

"So you no longer matter huh Robbie? I told you this was going to happen but no, you don't use your damn head anymore do you Robbie? Do You?! No....you used that thing you call a heart. It's been broken so many times.

"You realize no one wants you. They never did"
"No." Robbie said softly, his body rigid, and voice failing. "That's not true."

"But it is you idiot! None of them wanted you, you forced yourself on them like a priest on an alter server!"

Robbie sat there, staring at the ground, in reality looking at nothing but his life, and searched to find anything good in it.

"They got Better Robbie. You can get better to"

"I won't take the drugs. I won't let Doctor Stevenson make me a lab rat."

"You and your damn pride Robert! You won't accept help. You would rather rot away until you found the answer. I will tell you when the answer comes Robbie. How you can finally be happy Robbie! You will find it ten seconds after you've stepped off the chair and into your noose! You are stubborn and arrogant and thats why no hooker will go with you. No banker will make deals with you. Your own mother avoids your calls. Be this way Robbie, I wont stop you anymore. I gave you words to help you but now you can be truly alone, prodding thoughts out to a space less universe waiting for reply."

Robbie sat on the floor stunned. He didn't understand what he had done. Did his own brain go on strike?

Nothing. No 'Yeah idiot' or 'shut up and focus'

And for the rest of the night, Robbie sat and thought about what his mind told him as he spieed on his bottle of rum.

2008-11-24T12:39:00.001-05:00

Another Fruitless day

2008-11-24T11:02:00.000-05:00

I decided since hard work and saving money wasn't going to help me reach my goal, I would grab some stuff to pawn. It was alot of run around and I still own the items I sought to sell.

I had (have) a camera I bought over the summer, a few posters from the release of the first Pokemon movie, a sealed American Idol game, dvd etc.....

It started out that Iheaded to Captial Cash.... I walk down there to see a sign saying C;psed Mondays for October and Novermber

Great.... Well next is the other Capital Cash on fourth, but Ill stop at the comic book shop to talk to them about the poster...
Also closed on Mondays

fuuuuuck!

Get to the fourth street bus stop.

They moved to Third Street

-____-;;;;

I walk down and they are not open yet (although there was no times sign)

Wait 5 min to a very harrased manager saying loudly
'I don't know why there are so many people here, we aren't buying and we aren't giving out loans"

What a fucking bastard! I can see why people left such negative reviews like :

"...They assume everyone that come there is a crack head selling stolen stuff they offer you shit.."

"...operated by a bunch of assholes ,that are disrespectful towards customers ...that only tells me that they really are not a pawn shop but ,con shop..."

So I am not sure what else. Dani called last night when I was asleep. My mother yelled at me. Actually mom just kept making low blows and put downs all weekend. I am not sure if she thinks that helps in her twisted mind, but as you can tell from the previous post, it doesn't.

I'm suppose to meet up with Dani I think. I have to focus on my final and my paper.

All in all, I gotta stop thinking so much, because now it's to a point I have to consciously force factual thought and fantasy apart.

There was a slight upturn last night. I was going through old birthday cards I saved, and opened one to find a Five in it. W00t!!

All for now in this hum drum life.

Toodles.
~a.f

Living the "Good Life"

2008-11-23T23:18:00.000-05:00

I don't feel like blogging, but I will update on my weekend anyway.

It's getting to be like it use to be. All things going back to normal. There are days I wake up, and wonder if the last year was only a dream. All I find that I am faced with now is my failures.

I got up and went ti Wilton with Eric on 3 hours of sleep. It should be fine working there Friday. I think about Disney, about the dreams I want and feel that I need, and wonder if it's even practical anymore. Everyone has a camera, they can take their own pictures. No one wants a photographer anymore. They want photojournalists. No one wants a movie director, because they have enough already, and anyone can be one with a flip of their cellphone and gets lots of money videoing Lohan getting dumped with flour because she wears something she earned.

I hide. I've been hiding in the bathroom. It's so disparaging. I am usually a person who tries to inspire hope and happiness in others.

I'm forced to stop caring, even though thats not true. I still care, and it hurts because I can't do anything. I never could. Just have to watch people walk away, and do what they want, no matter how much it hurts.

I made the mistake of readin the old emails Josh and I sent. It just re-opened that feeling I had, and those 'what ifs'.

I guess all that can happen now is that they know I've always cared, but I have to do so from very far away.

If you see me on the street, and you decide not to avoid me, you can see how I feel. How the decisions have finally taken their toll, and that one more hopeful flame is gone.

Put on a sweater.

~af

The scarmble

2008-11-22T02:25:00.000-05:00

Well been figuring things out. Lists lists y more lists.

Flight plans, packing plans, etc. I actually got around to cleaning out my inbox (Scandalous!)

I emailed my recruiter Rebecca, but she hasnt gotten back to me yet. Thats just a little disturbing.

Other than that, focusing on a paper and my Photo final. Madison wants to do Sex and the CIty the Movie as our theme....Im thinking I might branch out and do Labyrinth. I can kinda connect with the movies character. Although if he would let us branch out to video games I could Sooooo do Cooking Mama lol

I was going through my inbox, which wasn't cleaned out since Ray and Maddy went to Italy. At the very bottom were the emails and chats Josh and I sent back and forth.

I wonder why I was so delusional back then. To try and be friendly with a guy I knew was far too out of my league.

I remember how he wanted me to move in, I wonder how life would be if i had. Would things be different?

Ha, would he still be angry at me?

I am doing better to get my anger in check. Looking back at photos from the summer and this fall, im starting to level out. Not super skinny, not obese, but there, in a nice college sized body.

I think that is all I can ask of myself really.

Since my laptop died, I've had to use the PC in the living room. weird to gaze out of a window while you type. Watching the moon rise. I was lucky enough to see a shooting star, second one this month.

Up for next week. Photo, thanksgiving, then working with my ex at KB toys in Wilton for Black Friday. I'm grateful hes letting me do it again, and that he's finally understanding my position when it comes to the reasons I ended our relationship.

Stuff to do in the morning

Toodles
~a.f

Groggy.....

2008-11-19T17:09:00.000-05:00

So it was likely a bad idea for me to of worked on those posters all night. I didn't go to bed and told my roommate that I'd like to get to school early.

What does she do? She left me! I was all ready and she left. I sat like a dolt thinking she was just getting coffee. at 8:20 I call her and shes at school. Fucking wonderful considering I had to be at UAlbany today.

So mom drove me in and I hunted down my ride to UAlbany. I found one of the girsl I was suppose to go with and then Maddy showed up, but I couldn't find our ride anywhere. When I finnaly gave up, they pulled in and honked and away to SUNY we went for the Andy Warhol exhibit.

I get back to school and my lack of sleep is quickly moving in on me. I was suppose to meet Dani, but when I started nodding off at the PC, I decided I couldn't do it anymore.

I literally collapsed from exhaustion and figured "Ill nap for 10 min then go to gym."

I fell asleep at 1:50....Woke up and 3:50 with my friend Johnathon asleep next to me.

So most of my plans were shot, and now I await Acting.

Toodles

~A.f

Ok.... I might have a problem...

2008-11-19T06:09:00.000-05:00

I finally got around to uploadin gthe cosplay portraits I took, and while I was tweaking them, I accidentally changed the hue of one. Well one thing led to another and now I've filled my Picasa with Pop Art inspired cosplay posters. I'm surprised at my own genius but holy cow I did sooo many lol

I mean they look nice, and it's a cool way for me to let my creativity flow but WOW. I got caught up into it fast.

For example, in a previous post I posted a pic of Jen, well now I have a poster of her:

From Pop Art Posters

I've made 6 so far.

Heres a link to all of my images

http://picasaweb.google.com/fireicefalcon

Im headed for school now, another painful day ahead lol

Toodles
~A.f

Long Live Fads!

2008-11-18T04:41:00.000-05:00

I remember this from my old YTMND days.
I needed something to jump. I wanted to dance and jump and etc and i found my old Fav in English, which I must say Ive grown accustom to and have begun to listen more than the original. I cant help but feel the Power Rangers were based off of them lol

Someday I thnk I will have a cosplay troop do this dance. It is too epic not to do

~Toodles
a.f

Oh yawn

2008-11-17T15:43:00.000-05:00

Im so tired it's unreal.

I get home and TA DAH! Disney has Arrived!!
Im gonna be going Jan 28th until August 17th

Right now im on dads pc scanning the rest of the cosplay prints.

I really need some sleep though-

oh look......snow

I haz a headache. and a fourth day without sleep.

2008-11-17T06:14:00.000-05:00

By now, its entering acid mode. I am typing on my fathers pc and see the motion blur of my hands. Oh boy, thats likely not a good idea. Im bloggin quick before school because today I dont want to wait for Katrina.

So i went to disconnect my adapter from my laptop, and i get half of it. the other half MELTED OFF!

Why is it anything I buy from China either doesnt last or tries to kill me?

ugggh

2008-11-16T19:12:00.000-05:00

freaking 8th time in 3 years. I dont know how this happens but the ac adapter has over heated the wires and shorted out the ac adapter

god i hate dell

in search for replacement

-_______________________-

'Tis Sunday (no shit)

2008-11-16T08:00:00.000-05:00

Haven't slept yet. Anytime I laid down, I'd begin to choke.

Now when I can't sleep, this weird biological reaction starts. My stomach, first off, gets pissed off. I don't know why but it does. That in turns makes me have a sleep deprivation version of Acid reflux.o say, that brain fu

Needless t-..... well I guess that proves my point. When I get tired, my brain shuts down or goes into auto pilot mode. This is usually bad for me because while im shutting down my brain still absorbs EVERYTHING around me. It was weird but i would learn more in school dozing off than paying attention.

I've had so much on my mind, and now after being so miserable and angry and full of sadness and hate, I just woke up and let go of it all. True i will still torment me, but it shouldn't rule over me. Who knows what happens now.

Perhaps I will reconcile friendships
Perhaps not
Perhaps I try just to find out that said friend is in an alternate reality where I am really his arch rival who must fight him to the end and I really have a wa-

.....Ok it seems brain function has begun to pick up.. At least in the over-reactive imagination department.

In the Summer of 1994, there was a lunch that in the future changed my life about how I looked at CG and John Lassater

And whether true or not, it seems WALL-E was placed in movies since then:

All for now

~a.f -where are the bloody tums?-

THE SECRET IS OUT!!

2008-11-15T18:26:00.000-05:00

Obviously not Kirk or Spock's favorite song......

What makes this actually funny is that Jeff Nimoy is the one singing the 'Ode to Bilbo'

I guess he seriously wants people to forget that little fact xD

Im guilty

2008-11-15T16:35:00.000-05:00

more animals

The first Emo cat.... picture composed really well actually. Go figure

So the cough is getting better. Spent alot of last night punching the crap out of my chest to loosen it, which helped big time. Still a bit of a wheeze, but the crap is finally moving. Last night I was ready to go to the hospital, the only thing that kept me breathing was periodic inhaler puffs.

So why am I guilty you may ask. Well because I'm not obeying the wishes of others for one.

Parents wanted me to get a job, but because i was unable to stand let alone take the bus in the rain for an interview, I didn't go. Damn you fever induced delusions!

I didnt know if i was freezing or burnin up last night so I had to sleep sitting up so I would stop coughing so badly.

There is so much heartache, and pain regarding my past here, that I hope moving away will help me finnaly move on with my life. I disobeyed another friends( well I still concider him friend...he likely conciders me stalker now hee hee-Wait...thats not funny when i think about it...)

wish of cease and desist towards his published works.

I seriously wonder why. Ive had friends tell me how little they think of me, show me that they do not like me, and even said that they dont care for me or about me and are against everything that make me who I am...... Jesus Christ, why do I still protect these people and concider them friend (oh btw its no one IRL, but a person ive known)

hmm.... I know once I have decided to be a friend to someone its like I stop at nothing to make them happy, which doesn't work half of the time.

I cant really blame my astological or zodiac signs because its hard to prove that.

Hmm, ill try that. lemme see my attributes in astro and chinese zodiac:

Aug4,1988 7:46am Niskayuna NY

You were born with the Sun in Leo and the Moon in Taurus. The key words of your character are pride, self-determination, strong will, objectivity, and moral dignity.

Hmm. Well yes, I dont back down easily, I have a goal sometimes and I always try to do the right and proper thing. Kind of old school Victorian.

You are one of those individuals who likes to exercise authority, and you have a good deal of dignity. You are generous and magnanimous, and whatever negative characteristics your temperament may have are completely compensated for your warmth and noble outlook.

I must say it "Respect my authoritah!" lol Yes, I take many risks (and fail with many)

Im always trying to be hopeful, blah blah blah lets get to something relevent

Saturn was found in the fourth house at the time of your birth. With this placement you may have the feeling that duties and obligations in your early childhood conflicted with your innermost emotional needs. Consequently, you felt frustrated and misunderstood. This could lead to a sense of fear and distrust in the world that is not conducive to success in human relations and communications.

Thats actually very true. After being hurt so many times, I shut myself away. I stopped trusting people.

Chinese Earth Dragon

If you make friends with the Earth Dragon, you have a friend for life! Friendship is a big-time commitment which they show through uncommon kindness, caring, and giving spirit.

Oh....wow that kinda answers my question

Like most Dragons, those of the Earth don't like to rush Love. They like doing what comes naturally, steady rhythm, beginning from friendship and igniting into the exhilaration of falling in love when it's time. Earth Dragons want long-lasting relationships, not tumbling tumble weeds.

Oh....hmm yeah that makes alot of sense too. It really makes sense after what happened with my last 'relationship'

Then perhaps I defend my friends and matintain them as friends long after they reject me because it took a long time for me to trust them (with some yes with others no) and after that, a friend is a friend no matter what, I cant change that. If they ever need me im there.

I just wonder if they know it. I will try harder to keep my word and obey the wishes that were asked of me. It is rude to go against like I have.

~toodles

a.f

2008-11-15T02:20:00.001-05:00

Hmm..... How long till I stop breathing?

2008-11-14T21:17:00.002-05:00

I am having issues breathing again. By now I've given up.

I watch Saw and people getting what they deserve because they punished their bodies for the hell of it or hurt other people.

I was awake struggling to breathe until 8am when I finally nodded off.

Woke up at noon beginning the whole choke, choke, sneeze, chest-rattle over again.

I was in no condition to go out let alone try an interview.

after choking and wheezing for 5 solid min I tell my mother 'im ok'

she just replies that i lost another job.

Its bad enough I feel like shit physically but dont try to mind fuck me.

I spent a half hour crying because I cant take it anymore. If i choke i wont be able to stop it

And now I dont think I want to.

Ill smoke my cigs and tell mother nature to do her fucking worse because death will be alot better than this

~ciao

2008-11-14T21:17:00.001-05:00

2008-11-14T04:30:00.001-05:00

It's the third night in a row now....

Third night ive cried myself to sleep. Only this time I cant sleep.

It's over the same thing again. The lack of friends and people to love.

Am I really that evil that when I try to find someone to talk to, they either leave or pretend i dont exist?

Logically, I am the bad person if so many dont want to be near me.

Its so lonely though. To always be cast aside because you are NEVER what they want.

Never what anyone wants. Now I begin to hate even myself, because i know there must be something wrong if I cant even have friends who dont hate me, or insult me, or make fun of me or tell me im rude just for expressing myself.

Everyone tells me that. Have I really been this blind? I thought I was a good person. I tried to be what you all wanted. Dont you even know what you want?

All I know is that im alone and I cant find anyone, and it hurts so much, but either they dont care or its my fault.

Im sorry. im so sorry

(growl)

2008-11-13T18:55:00.000-05:00

Food isnt worth public ridicule.

Im gonna rant because im sick, and agitated.

I get up and help wrap shit, then email stuff, then the dog then dinner. I can do so much for them but they still tease me and chastise me because of what? a glass of pomegranate juice?

I cant breathe well.... short shallow breaths is all i can muster right now.

im hiding again, so i can avoid all of them. of course im the one who's wrong.

so light headed i must just go to sleep if i can

bai

2008-11-12T22:41:00.000-05:00

Spent the day thinking while I was sick in bed. I didnt like that I missed dry mounting in photo.

More and more often, my 'friends' tell me I should think less. It gets me in trouble. But friends are suppose to support you, and help you right? Or is it just in my imagination?

I've always wanted to help my friends but perhaps I just messed it up. Maybe thats why everyone i've ever known has left.

Is friendship a form of love? I would lay my life down for my friends.

Doesnt matter does it? If I cant keep friends, its impossible to try and have a significant other.

By the age of 20, most people would have a few boyfriends.

How can high school kids give their hearts so easily? do they want to know the pain of having to let them go?

Maybe im so warped because my teen years were so isolated and painful.

Who knows. I am getting sick of myself even.

2008-11-12T00:28:00.000-05:00

Quick update:

Got bad chest congestion (Newports....they don't help)

Been waiting by the mailbox ready to jump the mailman for any news from Disney.

Probably going to do another Vlog Blog about peoples obsessions with their looks.

Ill make it funnier and do it in Mozilla so that when I make mistakes people can be like 'lol mistake'

.......on second thought they can sit there and be agitated at my purposeful misspellings and latter solicitations of them. Ha......spelling Nazis...

Complication...... I has it.

2008-11-10T00:29:00.000-05:00

So.... with the fact that I have less than 10 sheets of photopaper left, I've decided to take a new approach on my film and prints

I hooked up a new printer/scanner and started scanning them..... this is alot harder than I thought.

I figured, easy cheesy, Ill just scan and negate the color......... Not that easy

When I did that, I lost my shadows and etc so I might play with it more tomorrow with PS2 but for now ive spent hours fucking around with alot to get this

Yeah, its getting there but I must be missing something. Whereas, this is one I did in the enlarger:Looks nice, eh? hmm. Guess Trial and error is gonna be the way to go. Oh well.

I gotta get alot of these pictures up so.... Perhaps in a later blog ill share the prints ive done so far, and maybe be able to get the negative to go better

A blog about a vlog....about a blog....Has anyone elses mind begun to hurt yet?

2008-11-08T21:27:00.001-05:00

WOO HOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-11-07T14:38:00.000-05:00

So, I got up and I dragged myself to the bathroom.

Mom is on the phone with some Rebecca, and I'm like not paying attention when mom knocks on the door saying its for me with Disney.

Ok, prolly just a confirmation of my 4p appointment to talk about the program

Nooo...... She is a recruiter with DISNEY.

Ok... So I bolt out of the bathroom and to the phone like theres a croc in the toilet. This was the call I was waiting for. The Decision on if I was doing the Disney PhotoPass Unit.

So we began to chit chat, and she told me that she heard about my broad knowing of photography both traditional and digital (what can I say? my greatness travels fast lol)

She said she didnt want to spoil the surprise but talked about what i could bring to people and if i ever encountered the PhotoPass people before

I did my one time down there. I looked at the person and said ".....I want your job"

So I explained to her my history with Cosplay and the anime conventions and offered if she wanted to give her a portfolio of my work

she said it wasnt required (*PHEW* note to self: Bull shit less)

I asked how much equipment and wether or not the cameras go in a safe place at the end of the night and what model

Answers:
1 bag to hold batteries and scanner with blank cards
They go into a cabinet at the end of the day
She couldnt tell me because she didnt know lol but its a digital SLR (single Lens reflex)

I wont be stuck to one area though. Its a global position so Ill be going to every park

(straight face.....fail)

WHOO HOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Goodbye New York
Goodbye nasty ass winters
HELLO ORLANDO

HELLO WARM WEATHER

HELLO MONITORED FREEDOM!

IM GOING TO DISNEY WORLD!

2008-11-06T15:04:00.000-05:00

In between Fall and Spring is where she will be

caught in the current of life

The tumble of grace is one no one will notice.

Half of the Beasts call it will happen.

Date unknown

Oi vey.....not again

2008-11-06T12:35:00.000-05:00

-Fluty

Dont fuck with Dragons

2008-11-05T15:26:00.000-05:00

So im listening to some music, trying to calm down. I am so angry that I cannot even control myself. People like to fuck with my emotions, my feelings, to the point ive gone nuclear. You know? I don't care, and it feels good. Feeling my heart pulse with hate and anger feels great. I no longer have to worry about other people, because none of them worry about me. I will make it despite your hurtful attempts Jennifer. Continue to attack me. Continue to call me a disgusting fat cunt for things I never did!

I dont care if im EMO, if im gothic or whatever the fuck you want to call me. I am black, I am evil and angry. If I could I would punch her, and show her the full hate she has enstilled within me. I would have sex with anyone I wanted, but my own chains of manners bind me.

Fuck your world.

If I wouldn't get in trouble Id take a large knife and stab something in the face 50 times.

Smile, run from people, you are a coward. A bully who can only be happy with your cronies and corrupting an innocent girl.

(screams)

Let the world be done with me! Kill me so I no longer have to deal with the evil and shit of this fucking earth!

The shit you say of me is not only a manipulation of my own low self esteem but a reflection of the evil and the shit that fills your own heart.

But what can I do about this? Nothing. You spread your lies about me and I cannot counter them because you bully everyone into believeing you. Hateful hurtful girl, your time is coming, ad your rewards will be just and painful. Not by me. I wouldnt do myself justice to go after you.

If you even fucking care (which of course NONE of you do) Ive given up on your humanity. If you hate me for no longer caring about your pettyness,
BITE ME!

Between people telling me a minor mistake that didnt mean anything is basis for expulsion of elections, to my own mother fighting about race before changing it to her own Republican agenda, and everyone in this fucking world who wont either give me a chance or wants to take something away from me? GO AHEAD! HERE IS MY SOUL! ONE THAT POURED ITSELF FOR THE WORLD TO MAKE IT A LITTLE BETTER

take it, if all your crap and foolishness is the price for it, I cant afford it.

The external blog. of not quite alot of DOOM

2008-11-04T15:17:00.000-05:00

November 4th,

Another blog I am writing in my notebook before I type it up. I'm at school because I had to bring Joe's bus pass back. He let me borrow it so I could get home. It's a little easier doing this because here is less distraction.

I voted for the first time today, nothing terribly big besides I a little confused at first.

....Ok, apparently Dani is looking for me on campus, but I have to study with Madison. I ran into her on the bus, and agreed to help her study for a quiz tomorrow.

Right now, I'm wondering how I'm going to get home. I have an interview with Disney at 5:40 and I'm hoping to score a Photography position with them. Really, anything that has the option of skipping New York's cold-ass winter is good.
I made some prints, haven't gotten around to a contact sheet.

So, at last count (yes Im jumping around alot again, its my thought process. Sorry), I have been told that either I have no friends or no one likes/cares-about me about 5 times in 3 days by a few people.

Normally, that could of made me so EMO, the black pit of sadness that laid in my soul would rival a blackhole.

Now it's not worth it, I know they are making cheap shots, and I wont be an easy target anymore.

....(groan) Im likely walking home again after studying.

Ja-nae

~a.f

Ye ol sugar hangover pt 2

2008-11-04T11:46:00.000-05:00

So yeah, sorry I didnt finish this. Ive been tired and feelin a lil sick.

So we were hanging out watching Jen and Stacy and Josh play Silent hill Homecoming (well not me, I was making fun of the monsters then getting out of there)

Nikki, Alyssa, and Ashley were watching Ouran which I have to admit, after hearing about the english dub for a year and a half, it has come out Very good.

We got home late, and the next day, I grabbed all my photo equipment and went to the Jpop dance to take portraits. I even put out a raffle for the group of my services seeing as there is a growing market for a cosplay and anime photographer.

I was taking awesome shots for an hour and a half when I kept thinking to myself "Jesus, this roll wont end...-Oh no..please no"

Yup, I FORGOT TO LOAD THE DAMN THING!

Thankfully most of the people who I took shots of were still there and I was able to get them into my second studio (I took down the first down so they could rave)

I offered to send some home, and got $20 in donations
I processed it, and while some I really loved didnt come out, I got 5 good ones to far, just to find out I only have 13 sheets of paper left. and 3 rolls of film

So far Ive printed Link, Leon (Res Evil4), Dead Japanese Girl, Ryu (street Fighter), Speed and Trixie (Speed Racer)

Dead Japanese girl came out weird because I tried using already used paper as a border, but it didnt work like I wanted, it just dodged the paper rather than blocking out fully.

Gonna go vote then bring Joes pass back

~a.f

Ye Ol' Sugar hangover

2008-11-02T14:07:00.000-05:00

Wow...... what a weekend.

So while I was depressed Friday afternoon, I started getting hit on by some guys after I sang Suddenly Seymour with Stephanie, and tried to make myself disappear when I saw Sara walking out of the computer lab.

I mean its bad enough to see her, knowing that she likely knows what I said about her before summer, but dressed as a stereotypical nerd, that was a disaster waiting to happen.

Afterwards. I got in contact with Dj, and he told me that Justin, Joe and Ashley are going to be picking me up for Jens party.

This time, I saved myself issues and just dressed nice and put some cat ears on.

It seems, when one finds themselves unknowingly, their real friends come out of hiding, even when it seems they were never there at all
Ill finish this later, I have to grab the bus and process film